Long, rambling: "My Girlfriend and I" are now "My Girlfriend" and "I"

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

which is to say, we’ve broken up, after a nice run of 5 1/2 years. Nothing unpleasant, though I don’t understand most of what was troubling her, and I’m sure she doesn’t understand some of my issues either. (Basically, as far as I can tell, she expressed disappointment with my distance from the day-to-day details of her life. I don’t ask a lot of “How was your day?”, “How’s your mom doing?” kind of questions routinely, on the assumption that if her day was great or rotten I’m going to hear about it anyway, and if her mom got nailed by a speeding cab, I’m sure that’s not going to go unmentioned, but if everything is perfectly the way it was the last time we’d spoken about it, then I already know that. My girlfriend–I’ll need to start calling her “My ex-girlfriend,” I suppose-- likes asking a lot of yadda yadda questions, which I will reluctantly answer, just to be polite, but really if she never asked another one it would be too soon for me.)

Anyway, this mild disappointment with a flaw, as she saw it, in my personality became a complaint, then an issue and then a burning issue in our relationship. I don’t think she was ever under the impression that I really didn’t care about her life, apart from me, or that I didn’t like her mom, or anything–it’s just that she needed, and then really needed, and finally REALLY, REALLY needed a boyfriend who wanted to talk about this stuff a lot, and that guy wasn’t me. I’m baffled at her seeing this as an issue to break up over–otherwise, I think we were quite happy with each other–but that’s not for me to judge, I suppose.

My point is not to revisit the relationship–one of the virtues of this breakup is being relieved of “Relationship Micromanagement” as a daily discussion–but to wonder and solicit views on how to adjust to single life.

I’ve always been a very independent cuss, even though I’ve mostly been in monogamous relationships my entire adult life (five-year engagement to Woman I, eleven year marriage to Woman I, three years of separation and divorce from Woman I and intro to dating, year-long monogamous relationships with Women II and III, with a few months of dating in between, a year of concurrent affairs with Women IV, V and VI, and then the last five-odd years with Woman VII.) But in the brief periods of being out of a monogamous relationship, such as right now, I’ve felt isolated, disfunctional, eccentric, and lonely–even though in many ways, my life is at its peak of satisfaction when I’m by myself. I can read, sleep, eat, exercise, work whenever I like, watch exactly the TV and movies I want to seee, shut them off when I’m bored, and in short do virtually everything I want to do when I want to do it, and I love that. I long for a little bit of it when I’m involved with somebody, and get far less of it than I like, but when I’m not with somebody, my ideal existence feels empty.

Right now I’m sitting on my terrace on a beautiful day, wearing comfortable clothes, eating a salad made exactly as I like to have it made, and I should be feeling like I’m on top of the world, which in many senses I am. Yet I feel very disconnected without a significant other.

Have you dealt with this strange state, of being uncomfortable both with and without someone sharing your life? How?

2

Long distance relationship. Seriously. In some ways it really is the best of both worlds. The other person isn’t around on a day-to-day basis to bug you about when to eat, exercise, sleep, etc. or to make food in a different way than you like it or to complain about the way you make the bed or whatever. But they’re only a phone call or a plane trip away. It can actually be a really good balance.

I am looking forward to the end of my current LDR hopefully in a year, but my previous 3-year quasi-relationship was long distance for its entirety and much more successful that way than it would have been if we’d lived in the same city.

3

Eventually, you will hopefully find someone with whom you can have a relationship, hold the “Relationship Micromanagement”. Marry this person. The lack of ups and downs and micromanagement was and is one of the best things about my relationship with Mr. Neville.

I dealt with being single by becoming bitter and cynical, and working 80-90 hour weeks on average, which means you probably shouldn’t ask for my advice on that. But does it help to know that someone who dealt that badly with being single eventually found someone who she’s deliriously happy being married to?

4

I think you may be mistaken in that your perception that your ex knew you care about her life.

But you did not ask me to rehash things–I will say though, that it sounds like the relationship could be salvaged, if desired, if you would apply yourself. A little effort can go a long way to making both partners satisfied.

To answer your question: I actually have felt more lonely within relationships than when I was alone. I have been married for some time now, but I still can recall (and it has happened within my marriage) times when the degree of disconnect is so high, that there would be more companionship if I were alone.

I hazard to guess that you are going thru a stage of adjustment here and it will get better. I am sorry things didn’t work out.

5

Asking him to change his interest in detail is like asking an introvert to become an extrovert. That is a basic fundamental of personality and it isn’t that easy to change. If this girlfriend was bothered by his basic personality traits, I think she did the right thing.

As for the question posed in the OP, how to deal with being single, I am sorry I don’t have any profound answers. I have the same issue. When I am not in a relationship, nothing seems to matter much. But I am not picky to where I like to have things my own way, either, and I really don’t care if I get to watch what I want to on TV or whatever. I don’t miss stuff like that in the slightest. It is more satisfying to me to share things we both enjoy, to learn new things as I try what he likes.

My only suggestions would be not to dwell on it. You seem to have no issue meeting people. But also don’t try too hard. Love finds you when you least expect it to.

6

You’re right, at least in that SHE would certainly said that I didn’t seem to care about her life. But whenever we discussed it, I would begin by stating (honestly) that I DID care about her life, that her issues were things I was concerned about it, but that TALKING about these issues regularly and aimlessly wasn’t someting I was comfortable doing. When she would next begin the discussion, she’d often come back to “You don’t care about my life…” and I’d be back to “But I do care, it’s just all the talking…” and I’d be thinking, “Does she think I’m lying when I tell her I DO care? I guess so.”

I mean, I should know what I care about and what I don’t care about, no? It bugs me that she never would engage me on the level I wanted the conversation to be on, which was “Ok, you DON’T care about talking about this stuff,” which I felt could have moved us forward. She would always come back to that unhelpful place that indicated either that she thought my statement was a lie, or that she had forgotten my previous statement, both of which annoyed me no end.

7

Love is a behavior, not something you talk about. Same thing with your interest in her life. If you don’t want to talk about her life, then you really aren’t interested in it- at least not to the extent she needed you to be.

That said, it sounds like a compatibility issue, not some inherent failing on your part, and I do hope that you find someone that has the same view of things as you do.

8

Stonebow wrote “If you don’t want to talk about her life, then you really aren’t interested in it- at least not to the extent she needed you to be.”
I guess my problem is that I was willing to talk about her life, just as long as she brought it up, and with a tad more focus than “Let’s talk about ME”–in fact, she used to thank me for caring so deeply that I would help her work out exactly these sorts of issues at length. When she was done thanking me for this, I would often ask her to save a little of ther effusive thanks for future times when she would accuse me of not caring, because then would be when I’d need those thanks.

I just wouldn’t initate the discussion–and I don’t think “failing to initiate” equates to “failing to care” at all. I think some of her caring for me was unnecessary and unwelcome, in fact. I have an 18 year old daughter, who I love dearly, but who no longer wants to speak to me. My ex-girlfriend would sometimes, apropos of nothing, ask me “Have you heard from her lately?”, which would often trigger anxiety on my part, grief that I hadn’t heard from my daughter in a few months, guilt over things I might have done to keep my daughter close to me, etc. and I used to wonder why my ex-GF would inflict this pain on me at random intervals by bringing up painful topics with no prompting on my part, which is exactly why I wouldn’t do that to her, unless asked explicitly. I would never be able to tell whether asking a question like “How’s your mom doing?” would elicit that sort of emotional distress when she wasn’t prepared to share something like “She’s terribly depressed again” or “She’s worried about her mammogram–and now that you mention it, so am I” and so my nature is to avoid asking, but I care about her mom, and would gladly discuss anything she wanted to talk about. I just didn’t (and don’t) see not asking as indicating my lack of caring.

9

I have seen a therapist a few times now to discuss my distance from mr. beckwall.
The most cut-to-the-bone thing I have heard my therapist say is “If you have to ask for it, at this point it’s probably not working”. Meaning, after 8 plus years together, things should be forthcoming and flow freely between mates/SO’s. There are members of both sexes who just need a lot of talking and validation, and then there are others who seem OK with info on a need-to-know basis. I happend to need validation a good deal, and can’t say that I was getting it. My advice to you is more like a suggestion - give it time, see how it goes, if you feel really good alone then maybe this situation has sorted itself out. But more than 5 years is a good chunk of time, almost too much to throw away if the only issue is not enough communication. That’s something that can be worked on.

Be patient, try to think outside the box, compromise as needed, remember that love is one of life’s greatest gifts.

10

Thanks. I guess I’m not going to be comfortable, even if my whole life is going beautifully (which it kinda is right now), for a little while yet. I need to feel more patient, I know, I just wish I don’t need more patience RIGHT THIS FUCKING INSTANT.

11

If I add up the lengths of all your relationships correctly, I believe you’re at least in your mid-40s.

You say you care, but you don’t want to talk about it. You aren’t curious enough to ask. You don’t want to talk unless the conversation leads to a definite point. To a lot of people, that indicates that you don’t really care.

You’re content with the way things are, but vaguely dissatisfied without a SO.

Sounds to me like you miss the companionship, but not enough to make a commitment to invest something of yourself in the relationship.

I’m sorry if that sounds blunt.

12

There are different emotional styles, people. I’m with my pal pseud on this – I tend to be a private person, and I tend to assume that other people want their privacy as well. I don’t need or want a whole lot of blah blah blah in a relationship. If you want to talk, I’m happy to listen – but I’m not going to pry. And the way to get me to talk is to give me the space to do it, not to bombard me with questions.

I like to think this doesn’t make me a bad person, or an uncaring person.

13

Well, it would seem that there is more here than I perceived.

I am sorry about your daughter–I bet that your daughter (I am a daughter and have one, too) is mad as hell at you for XXX. 18 is a hard age in many ways–I so wanted to tell my parents (divorced at that time) to both go to hell. Sometimes I still wish I had, and I am 42(they remarried each other when I was 21).

I hear you about the differences–and it sucks to be supportive and then accused of not caring in another set of circumstances. So, I do feel for you a bit.
BUT.

(you knew there had to be a “but”)
This seems to be a pattern. Fogive me, I am not a therapist, but it doesn’t seem to be a healthy one. Certainly, it seems to be a lonely one.

If you want the companionship–you have to put forth effort. It doesn’t have to be all her way. You can say (and my husband does, to me) “give me the Reader’s Digest” version. I over-analyze and micro-manage alot of my life( I am working on that), but I still turn to my husband and will launch into blahblahblah…and he will say, “do I need all this detail?” And he really doesn’t-I need to say it, but he doesn’t need all of it to help me. Enter girlfriends/workmates etc. I can confide in them, while also relying on my husband for support (but not overburdening him).

Lord-what I am trying to say is that there are ways of compromising about communication between the two of you. Frankly, I think she is blaming you for something that is both your “fault”. Perhaps she is not so good at identifying her feelings and needs? “you dont’ care” is a pretty big catchall.

As for your daughter–YOU need to keep trying and keep trying and keep trying.

What is with the passivity? “oh, she’s mad at me and doesn’t want anything to do with me…so I’ll just accept that and sit here.” NO parent get off the hook that easy–I don’t care if you haven’t seen her since birth or whatever-no excuses.

D’ya think it’ll get better if you don’t do anything? NO and NO and no. Baby steps, repeated over time–and your relationship will improve.

Daughters NEED Dads–even at 18. And Dads need daughters, sometimes, too.

good luck.

14

Thanks for the good wishes. Trust me, I’m far from passive. I’ve been sending my daughter long and numerous emails, asking her what I can do to hear her issues, for the last year (she’s an ocean away, in England) offering to see a family counselor with her when she gets back (and follow her lead on how much or how little I should speak and listen in the sessions), taking full responsibility for the things she’s angry with me about (without even knowing what they are), allowing for the possibility that I’ve done awful things I’m unaware of yet but am willing to work on if only she’d tell me what they are, etc…So far, none of them has been answered (and none has been bounced back either, so I can be pretty sure she’s gotten them). But the fact remains that she’s argued in Family Court that she wants nothing to do with me, and the court has ruled that I can’t make an 18 year old acknowledge me if she doesn’t want to. (Doesn’t stop her mom from cashing child support checks, mind you, but otherwise I’m a non-person.) I will continue to love my daughter all her life, and will never stop trying to reconcile with her, but I’m simply acknowledging the extent to which I’m limited in my ability to have a relationship with her when she refuses.

15

Yeah I know how you feel. I start to feel crowded and blow up at my girlfriend if she spends too much time at my place, but a good three or four hours after she leaves I get pretty lonely.

16

Yikes-can the ex be of any help?

Or is the ex fomenting this in some way?

Sounds like the 18 y/o needs to grow up a bit and face you–either to get you out of her life for good (sorry, but that is a possibilty) or to make new terms. I would keep it light–a funny email here and there, an article you think she’d be interested in, short letters(never underestimate the power of the handwrittne, especially these days) about what you are up to–not romance stuff, but whatever else. Slow and steady flow of DAD over time will go far.

Unless she is a total jerk–that would be a problem. Don’t think so, though.

Was exGF close in age to daughter? That would explain almost everything…

(forgive me as I pry into your life!)

17

Don’t mind at all–just tell when this becoming too intensely personal for you, is all.

No, the ex-GF is decades beyond my daughters’ ages, and she got on with them very well for years and years.

Methinks (Meprettysure, actually) that my ex-wife (the daughter’s mom) is behind much of the animosity. The morning my daughter tormed out of my house, almost three years ago, she left a nasty, hurtful note that included the phrase “and I don’t care about your child-support payment problems” which she could have gotten ONLY from my ex-, since I never (to my kids) so much as alluded to the fact that I was paying child-support to my ex-wife, much less that, during the early stages of our separation, she was squeezing me for every cent the court would allow at a time I was without a place to live, a bank account, a stick of furniture and was basically living out of my car and office. That said, I never missed a single payment, though I was pleading with my ex- to lay off a bit while I got my life together. These arguments with my ex- were years in the past, so the only way my daughter would have known about this stuff was if my ex-wife were to be telling her how cheap and selfish I was, how little I cared about my kids, and other destructive , poisonous (and totally baseless) stuff.

No, my daughter’s been fed a line of goods for years and years, but my GF wasn’t anything but sweet and friendly and kind to her. I suspect that all that kindness was ultimately behind her plying me with questions about my daughter that tended to get me upset. That is, I don’t think I was being asked how my daughter was doing BECAUSE my GF wanted to rile me up. I think that was the effect, but I think she really was concerned and didn’t understand how restraint might be kinder (to me) than picking at that scab would be.

18

I haven’t, but I think it’s what’s supposed to be meant by “Men, can’t live with 'em, can’t live without 'em.” Or, in your case, women.

My mother defines herself by her relationships, so when Papa died after a 3-yr illness she was pretty much adrift, like you describe.

19

Good point. I think if I were better able to define myself outside of relationships, this wouldn’t be such a problem. I take a lot of solace (probably too much) from the thought, “Well, SHE seems to accept me for who I am” so that when there’s no SHE, I feel unacceptable even to myself, though nothing has changed other than her absence.

20

Except it sounds like she doesn’t accept you for who you are.

Maybe this is your opportunity to get more accepting of yourself.