Well, yeah. Which is a source of comfort in moving on. I’ve clung to more dying relationships through the mechanism of denying stuff like this. After my marriage broke up, I’m like, “Dude, the woman didn’t buy you a birthday present, or even get you a card. Think maybe that was significant, somehow? Hello, McFly?” but at the time it was “Ahh, big deal, presents aren’t important between two people who love each other.”
Heh.
I had dinner out at my sister’s the other night, and we were discussing my current job situation. My BIL said, “Yanno, your ability to endure intolerable situations would be admirable – if you lived in London during the Blitz.”
<stashes Blitz remark away for future reference>
How close are daughter and exwife? Are they in England together?
My mother spent the years that she was divorced from my Dad by telling everyone that would listen (and if you spoke more than 3 sentences to her–you got the full story) that my Dad was a son of a bitch.
I look just like my Dad. I have most of his interests.
It was really hard growing up (I was 8 when they seperated, 14 when they divorced, he married someone else, divorced her and then my parents remarried one another when I was 21) being told that basically I was a dastardly son of a bitch.
Parents: when you disrespect the other parent, you shame the child.
I still have a strained relationship with my mother. (sad thing is–she was partly right–my Dad can be a son of a bitch. But it’s not all the time and not something that has to impact on every issue etc).
Anyhoo-I took the other tack–the one that says (in my head): the absent parent cannot be all bad. Noone is as bad as you are painting them, mom etc. Of course, I built up a dream Dad who gave me tons of love and attention. Ah, well.
Reality bites sometimes.
Some kids don’t take that way–they believe what they are fed. I think at this age, daughter needs to LOOK at what she has been taught as “truth” and decide for her own self. I dont’ care what she has said or done–daughters need dads. (I am assuming here that no abuse, molestation, alcoholism etc has occurred. Sorry if that offends you, but I feel the need for the caveat. I am not asking you to account for the rift–it’s none of my business). Unfortunately, YOU cannot make her do this. But, I think that a low level of frequent loving messages (ie letters, emails etc) can go a long way. No mention of ex wife in those letters, no mention of even times past (could rile up feelings of bitterness–“yeah, he was the when I went to Kindergarten, but what about the rest of school” type things)–but things that interest you–that you think would interest her. It is not enough to write and say “I am trying out for the community theater production of Madame Butterfly and I want the lead”–so what? Write what you think would interest her–and also stuff about yourself. An occasional anecdote about you as a boy (or at age 18) might spark something.
I don’t really watch Oprah, but a few years ago she had a show about Dad’s rights post divorce etc. She had a woman on who was soooo bitter about her ex–she had basically poisoned her kids against him. The sons had grown to early adulthood and found that Dad was not the ogre that was told to them, but the daughter didn’t come round. My guess is that she felt the need to support her mom–like accepting Dad would be abandoning Mom somehow. Not logical, but we are not dealing with logic here.
Pseudo --this is starting to matter to me. Talk about projection! I just wish my Dad had tried when I was 18–I had contact with him, but it was the “pay the college bills and he bitches about the cost” type contact. I wish you well–it is hard as hell to play to a silent room, but I think you are right that she is reading the emails. Maybe a small thing of flowers on her Bday with a card?
Also, methinks that exGF doesn’t realize that guys handle this kind of stuff differently. I am finding out with my boys. I also have come to respect my husband’s limited ability to mind fuck stuff–alot of females need to do this. Guys don’t. Too bad exGF can’t write to daughter and say that “your Dad misses you and thinks of you every day.” It might be believable coming from another woman.
Ok-I have meddled enough for one day.