First of all, mucho thanks to everyone for giving me hugs and support and advice. I’m always in need of perspective. You’ve made me smile, which is nice right now. Thank you.
A few things to clarify:
First, the e-mail may have seemed vague, but I’d told him all that stuff Saturday, during our “discussion.” But he wasn’t listening. Everytime I said, “James, you hurt me…” he would interrupt. When I tried to explain why I was hurt, he would call me immature and say I was being overly dramatic. That e-mail was the summation of what he already knows, what I’ve already told him several times. I just thought that being straightforward in that reply was the best way to get my point across.
Why do I feel betrayed? I was always honest to him about my feelings. But he used them against me to make himself look like a hero to Nancy. I spoke to her right before I left, and she wasn’t angry. She hadn’t thought I was mean to her when I walked away. James created this little drama so she would see him as a shining knight, and he did it using my honesty and openness. And then he accused me of having ulterior motives.
Also, after he told me he didn’t love me, I didn’t stop loving him, but I did realize that it wouldn’t happen. I waffled on the issue of leaving, and finally decided to stay until school ends for the semester so I would not have added stress. I have three weeks to go now. When I told him I was leaving IKEA, he begged me to stay. I mean, he literally cried because he didn’t want to lose our friendship.
The things I did for him as a friend were no different from the things I do for other people. I’m a giving person (more often than not, a pushover). A week before his party, I had one for A. I bought him a nice present, but I do that for everyone. I am, at heart, a realist. I understood that he wouldn’t love me (like weirddave said, he doesn’t believe that friends can ever be anything more) and did my best to deal with it. I foolishly believed that it would all work out, but I never believed anything romantic would happen between us.
I’ve had this happen before to me: a close friend (who was gay, so the love thing never played a part) basically used me when it was conveniant for him. I had a lot of fun with him and we had been friends, on and off, throughout our childhood, so it seemed natural. I let his opinion of me matter more than my opinion of myself. I let him be my friend when it was good for him and allowed him to make me feel like less of a person. I did this same thing with James. The only way I handled the other situation was by cutting him out of my life. I think it’s the only thing I can do now.
In retrospect, I truly believe that it was like an ego boast for James to have me around. As my manager said, “James is not-so-humble…okay, he’s an arrogant prick.” I never realized that before, but now I see it. He has qualities that I admire, but he’s very willing to use those qualities to cut me down when it suits him. I was a reminder to him that someone thinks he’s wonderful, so he wanted me to stay, so he cried and told me not to leave. But when I exhibited actual human feelings in the matter (instead of being some sort of robot), I was in the way.
I’m trying to rationalize all this, but it’s hard. This whole matter has left me with a bad taste in my mouth. At the same time, though, it’s solidified what I know about myself to be true. As I said, I know what kind of person I am, and James is not going to compromise that. I still need to work on being a pushover and having more faith in myself, but I have time for that.
Steve, I’m trying hard to be a bad-ass ninja rock star, but I may have to take a leave of absence from the post while my poor heart recovers.
to that idea.