In which you tell your fellow Dopers five lies about yourself

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21
  1. I am a published historical novelist, under the name Alexandre Dumas.
  2. My first wife was Olivia Newton-John; my second was Ann Coulter.
  3. My metabolism turns fat into long, beautiful hair.
  4. I ghost-wrote most of the Beatles’ catalogue and played flute on several of their songs.
  5. I have naked photos of Cecil
22
  1. I placed fourth in the 2001 Paris-Dakar Rally.
  2. Both the Denver Broncos and the San Francisco 49ers expressed interest in me near the end of my college football days, but nothing came of it.
  3. I wrote a well-known series of detective novels under a pseudonym.
  4. I played drums on a couple of Mary Chapin Carpenter’s albums. Remember “Down at the Twist and Shout”? That was me on drums.
  5. I was a background high school student extra in many episodes of “Room 222.”
23

  1. There is a male gene in my family history which gives one the ability to exert individual muscle control over either of one’s testicles. It is a very recessive gene, appearing only once every 20 generations, and I currently have it. The last of my ancestors to have it was Sir Blemish of Taunt in the early 17th century, who made a small fortune entertaining French theatergoers with his jocular acrobatics. Appreciation for this fine art has, evidently, diminished significantly since that era.

  2. Although Time Magazine named me “Person of the Year” in 2006, they had me confused with another “you.”

  3. I was one of the men in that historical Iwo Jima photograph. I was hard to spot because I was under the rubble.

  4. I am personally responsible for Fran Drescher’s acting career. I’m still drafting the apology letter.

  5. I invented a fourth word that ends in “-gry” just to piss people off.

24
  1. I made 11 hole-in-ones the first time I played golf.
  2. I am the original “More Cowbell” guy.
  3. I know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
  4. I know how to make 2+2=5.
25

Ah, so you’ve seen them, too? Quite a bevy, eh? Eh?

26

Deleted - duplicate post.

27

So let’s say you had eight wives, in decreasing order of beauty (8=Stunning; 1=plain):

8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1.

Now each is more beautiful than the next, except for 1, who is not more beautiful than anyone. Now according to Elendil’s Heir, each is more beautiful than the next, so the only two solutions to the problem are:

a) an infinite number of wives, in ever-increasing beauty or
8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 -1 -2 -3 …

b) wives arranged in a circle, with beauty going up at every step.
8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 -> loops back to 8, and is more beautiful than 8.

Both cases eventually lead to infinite beauty, since beauty must increase at each step. Case a) is ruled out by the explicit statement that he only has 8 wives, so the solution that remains is the second.

QED (And more than slightly tongue-in-cheek :D)

28

  1. Watch the Journal de Montréal next week for damaging photos of a certain Conservative MP. The leg in the upper left-hand corner is mine.

  2. I once went on a Sex on the Beach tear and woke up clad only in a feather boa and clutching a blender.

  3. I am banned from fine art libraries in three provinces for my excessively liberal interpretations of abstract expressionism.

  4. I once had occasion to smuggle a small flock of live geese across the border. I draped them under some rugs in the back of the pickup truck and attributed the honking to a loose muffler.

  5. I spend my days hashing out left-wing screeds for The Tyee and rabble.ca before retiring to my silk-draped boudoir to get my nightly goat’s milk massage from my coterie of supple Maltese pleasure boys.

Saluton, Sinjoro Penisegulo!

29

Logically, then, they have an infinte number of legs as well*.

I don’t see how that can be beautiful. So your proof fails.
QED

*Old logic/math joke. You can find it in a lot of places, like a Random Walk Through Science.

30

Spot the lies!

  1. I have no formal training in my chosen profession

  2. I am the only son of an only son of an only son

  3. I wear pink often, which directly led to my habit of carrying a gun

  4. I can write your name with a pencil clenched between the toes of my right foot, but not my own.

  5. I’ve never lived in the same place for more than 2 years

  6. Since 2000, I’ve not gone more than 2 years without leaving the country

  7. I married my high school sweetheart

  8. I once spent $700 on a knife

  9. I’ve never voted for anyone that became president

  10. Silly Sally won’t sell me seashells anywhere but a seedy wharf after the seagull incident

1) true mostly, sent to some training after hire 2) true, but have two sons so the streak is broken 3) false, can’t stand wearing pink except for a breast cancer awareness pin 4) false, I don’t even know your name 5) false, current house for 10 years 6) true 7) false, didn’t have a HS sweetheart (awww) 8) true, custom from meteorite 9) true 10) unable to comment on current litigation

31
  1. I have the three best garden gnomes in existence (determined by the official judging body for the sport).
  2. I have a genetic abnormality that causes me to have two foreheads.
  3. I can tell the flavor of jello by touch.
  4. I know the fate of Jimmy Hoffa, he is now a lovely table lamp in my den.
  5. I buy all my underwear from a small stall in a market on the outskirts of Bangladesh.
32

1 - I gave up a career as a supermodel because of a makeup allergy.
2 - I rode the winning horse in the Kentucky Derby for 5 years in a row in the 60s.
3 - My left hand is strong enough to crush coconuts.
4 - George Clooney won’t stop pestering me for a date.
5 - I have James K. Polk’s toenail clippings in a jar on my nightstand.

33

  1. I was the guy that turned Isaiah Washington and Tim Hardaway down and made them so angry at gays.

  2. The WMDs are in a shoebox in my linen closet.

  3. Eating carrots makes my ears burp.

  4. I saw Joe Hill last night.

  5. I invented pinecones and missed beating god to the patent by that much.

34

Saluton yourself! :smiley:

35
  1. My dick is prehensile
  2. I have been raped by a giant tentacle monster
  3. I enjoyed it
  4. My shit does not stink
  5. North Dakota does not exist.
36
  1. I type with my eyebrows.
  2. I’m an Elvis impersonator impersonator in my spare time.
  3. Sometimes I pee blue.
  4. I am a professionally trained Ugandan pastry chef.
  5. My tapeworm speaks Vulcan.
37
  1. My only friend is the blue canary in the outlet by the lightswitch.
  2. At the '64 worlds fair, in the DuPont pavillion, I sat on a bench that was still warm. The warmth was from my one true love, who had been recently sitting there. That was the closest I will ever get to her, for she lives on the other side of the world.
  3. I used to work at a burn-smell factory.
  4. I’m very big, I’m a big important man.
  5. I’m sick and won’t die… just like Chucky.
38

I went for a ride on the carousel.
I was on a yellow horse, right behind the swan.
In the swan, a man and a woman they were doing it.
I didn’t want to look. I wished I’d brought a book.
I looked down at the chip in my horse’s red mane.
He had a high, soft, beautiful voice.
I got down and ran around, and then I asked him his name.
He said out loud, he said it was “First Choice”.

Yes Mom, I’m still a virgin.
And you are Marilyn Monroe.
When I was a little girl, we grew wings and flew under the sea
To see my daddy, Mr. Edgar Allen Poe.

full lyrics

39

1 - I do yoga
2 - I hate rap music
3 - I obsessively sharpen pencil-sharpeners
4 - I leave a trail of slime behind me, like a snail
5 - I’m British

40

[ol]I am licenced to pilot airships in excess of 300’ in length[]The unpublished manuscript of Beethoven’s 10th Symphony is our family’s most prized heirloom. (We’re waiting for the price to go up a little higher.)[]President Mugabe of Zimbabwe once told me a really good knock-knock joke[]I have dug a tunnel from my back garden to China[]I play chess by email with Robert J Fischer, and am presently six games ahead in a very long-running series. Under the circumstances, he’s being all right about it[/ol]