What kunilou said.
I would not attend the funeral of anyone who hated my guts, extenuating circumstances or not.
Nope you didn’t have to ask Shack-Up Sister. Since Sister 3 is doing her own thing, it’s not a “family” thing. It would have been nice, but not necessary and besides it was a group decision. She can easily send a small flower arrangement on her own (and she should) without looking like the odd-sister-out. And Uncle should send something big - like the floral drape over the coffin - for 50 years of respect. I can understand him not going to the funeral. One smile or, god forbid, chuckle and he’s not getting invited to the next family shin-dig.
Uncle and Shack-up don’t even come to Christmas anymore. They say it’s because of their health, but I think they know they’ve crossed the line and they never seem to have any fun.
Also, Uncle is a really bad drunk. A crazy drunk. He doesn’t get nuts at Christmas anymore, but he is always in the bag when he gets there.
Why?
Apart from refusing to share a flower arrangement, you have no control over how your uncle (or any other relative) shows respect on the occasion of you aunt’s funeral. While you might find it sad or disgusting (and you’re certainly entitled to your opinion), it’s not your place to dictate what he does. They’re going to do what they want.
There’s absolutely no point in getting worked up over something you can’t control. I know you would like to “make things right” for your aunt, but it’s not within your power.
Oh, I agree with you. It is totally up to him how to grieve for, respect, or dis his ex. I just didn’t think it was appropriate for us to include him as “one of the cousins” when he’s really the ex-husband and father.
If I were your uncle, I’d probably go by myself later after everyone’s left and just have a few private moments at the grave. He could bring some flowers of his own then. You don’t spend 50 years married to someone and not visit their grave at least once, IMHO.
I think your only role here is to feel bad for the kids (their Dad is married to their cousin–do I have that right?) and to hope that noone makes a scene.
It’s all out of your control–does the funeral home/pastor/rabbi know about all this?
I am sorry, not to add to your pain, but …ew. I cannot imagine this occuring–was she of legal age? must ahve been, I suppose.
What do HER parents have to say (or are they dead, being that these folks are kinda up there in age)?
Her mother (his sister) is still alive; dad died a little over a year ago. They’ve been doing this for the better part of 30 years. Broke up, and then got back together fifteen years ago. Her children are extremely cool to her, as she left her husband years ago, and left him with the kids, the first time she went around with Uncle.
As it turns out, they sent flowers from the two of them and he never did show up. He may have decided to pay his respects after the fact, but obviously could not be supportive for his kids.
Just a quick, nosy question: uncle and niece never actually went through a marriage ceremony, did they? Because it certainly isn’t legal if they did–no state allows uncles and nieces to marry. I just add this as a note, since most people in the thread have referred to them as married.