Indecent Exposure?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Have you ever been busted for it? Ever come close? Please, share your indecent exposure stories!

I’ll share mine:

We were about 16. In the car, in a parking lot. Things are getting a bit steamy, both literally and figuratively. Neither of us could see out of the windows, that’s for sure. The clothes are coming off…

Suddenly, pulsing lights starts pouring into one of fogged windows! This being the south, my first thought was “NO! Another alien abduction! When will they leave me alone?!” However, there’s a familiar rythym and color to these lights…oh no! It’s not aliens, it’s the cops! Almost as bad.

Like any gentleman with a naked girl in the passenger seat of the car would, I leap out to address the situation. Through her door. Shirt inside out. Somewhat lacking in the pants department.

As luck would have it, it’s one of the cops I know.

“Hi, Brian, hows it goin?”, I say while hastily climbing into my boxers. That’s right, be nonchalant, he may just want to chat.

“Hey there, Beelzebubba. Whatcha doin?” DAMN! Probing question…what to say? Must think quickly! He’s coming toward the car, and the foolish girl hasn’t made a move to put on any clothing! I know this because I didn’t have the presence of mind to actually close the door.

Suddenly, a flash of brilliance strikes! “We’re just talking.” Hah! He’ll never suspect a thing!

“Did you know you’re in a church parking lot?” Well, now that you mention it, I did…“Well I’ll be damned. How did that happen?”

He has, by now, reached the car. Takes a peek inside. Smiles. “Boy, you must be some talker. I suggest you take her home. I better not catch you in a church parking lot again!”

So I took her home. Didn’t get arrested, though I got threatened with it if caught again. Didn’t get any either, but what can you do…

2

I was thrown out of the Bears/Vikings game last October for what was called indecent exposure.

My friend, a rabid Vikings fan, always wears a Xena costume to the game. I told her that I would not be mistaken for a Viking fan, and that I would have to wear some sort of “Bear” costume.

So. I went out and bought some brown faux fur. I covered my very best and most supportive bra with brown fur, straps, front, back, cups, everything. I also made bear ears, cuffs and collar. With the bra I wore jeans and black boots.

At halftime, I was approached by security, who asked if I was in fact wearing a bra. I said, “no, I’m wearing a costume with a bikini style top”. The security guard recorded my name and seat number, told me to immediately put my jacket on and not to take it off for the rest of the game.

Bears fans will remember that last year we sucked. All we had was Mr. Brian Urlacher, who did, in fact sack Culpepper in the third quarter. I jumped up and cheered. The men around me began to chant for me to take my jacket off. So for all of five seconds, I did.

The security guard was watching and pulled me from my seat. He told me I had to leave the stadium. When I asked what the problem was, he told me that I knew what it was. I told him that I never revealed my naked breasts, and that you could not see anything more than you see on daytime television! He said that wasn’t the issue. I asked him why big, fat sweaty guys can paint themselves blue and orange and sit there in boxer shorts and get on t.v. for it and he said that I ‘knew damn well’ that it was a different situation. I asked him if someone complained…and he said ‘that doesn’t matter’, which I take as a no, then he added that if I argued with him further he would have me arrested.

He tore up my ticket in front of me, cryptically mentioned that there was no record of me ever having existed at that game, and gave me twenty dollars for a cab.

As he threw me from the stadium he said “in the future, use some common sense”

When my friend tried to find me, the security office told her they’d never heard of me, even though I saw them write my name and ticket number down.

four phone calls to the security company (Garcia) and Soldier Field, in addition to three emails to the Security Director at Soldier Field, asking for an explanation, have gotten NO response.

BUT, Soldier Field did send a letter of warning to the man who gave us the tickets (they were his season seats), telling him that he’d better be careful who he gives his tickets to, because Soldier Field is a FAMILY STADIUM.

funny…no one kicked out the guy who said I was an ugly cunt. I guess that’s a family value.
jarbaby

3

Maybe Soldier Field just has a general policy against women with bear breasts.

4

Eghads! That was so horrible I actually groaned out loud.

5

Dang you, Little Nemo, that was GREAT! I wish I’d thought of it!!

6

that’s great!

well, the only case of indecent exposure wasn’t something I did, but recently my husband and I were in our backyard talking when suddenly he said “there’s a naked guy in the backyard next door” and sure enough, there was - he was in his 60’s and let’s just say he was carrying more weight than a man his age should be. He was ready to dive into the swimming pool.

Granted, we recently purchased our house, and it was vacant for a year beforehand. I guess he didn’t realize there are neighbors now.

7

I posted this once before, but I think it bears repeating. I think it’s funny as hell, but maybe you had to be there … you be the judge.

I and two of my friends are stumbling back from a bar which, coincidentally enough, was within stumbling distance of my apartment (Raoul’s Roadside Attraction in Portland Maine, if you really need to know). About halfway back (and we’re only talking about a quarter mile - tops) all three of us decide we need to pee and we cannot hold it any longer. At the time we happened to be walking past a car dealer. So we squeeze in between the cars parked next to the sidewalk and let go with the wizz.

Just as I’m getting into it good, I hear my friend Pete say, “Cops. Zip it up.” Now you know just as well as I do that there is no way in Heaven or on Earth you can just “stop” a good beer pee. So I just kept going. Now you have to picture this…

I’m standing there having a very relaxing pee.
This cop just strolls casually up beside me.
I look over to him and nod hello.
He nods back.
I smile.
He says, “Just about done there?”
I say, “Yup, just about.”
He waits for me to finish and zip up, before dragging me back to the sidewalk for a lecture.

My friends are giggling, I think the cop was giggling too. But somewhere in the middle of it all my friend Pete says, “Hey officer, when you gotta go, you gotta go.”

The cop puts on his cop face and says to Pete, “If you don’t shut up, he” (pointing at me) “is going to jail for indecent exposure.” At which point Pete cracks up saying, “Oh shit, I hope I have bail money.”

Luckily, the cop was cool, he was just rousting us drunks and he let us go. But damn it was funny.

8

This was the subject of a local radio call-in poll (actually it was something like “Should men and women be held to the same standards for toplessness”). One of the callers was a local police officer. He said that a topless woman is not indecent exposure (that only covers the naughty bits). If he saw a topless woman walking down the sidewalk, he would tell her to put a shirt on, and if she refused, she could be arrested for disturbing the peace. But exposing the boobies in itself is legal here :).

9

Not yet; Practice makes perfect!

10

I haven’t been busted for it, but I’ve been the victim of it.

Freshman year of HS, we were on a bus to a cross country meet. Suddenly, all the girls in the back of the bus started screaming, giggling, and pointing. No one knew what the hell was going on. After a minute, they stopped.

About five minutes later, they started doing it again. This time, I looked out of the window and saw…

A middle-aged guy in his car who wasn’t wearing any pants was jacking off!

What hapened was that he thought it would be fun to rile up a bunch of high school girls. He got such a reaction from us before, that he actually stopped and turned around to follow our bus (he had made a light that we hadn’t and was ahead of us).

We got his license plate number, and one girl on the team had a father who was a cop. We called him, and the guy was arrested. It turns out his wife beat him up for it.

The bus driver (an old lady) actually said to us, “Next time, girls, bring cameras!” and, “I hope you all run faster after your little ‘excitement’!”

I thought I was going to throw up the rest of the day. What a gross way to see my first naked guy.