Infertility, Miscarriage and Coping... advice?

For us, that “no guarantee” was on of the reasons we went the international adoption route. My son is 12, so some of the current IVF advances weren’t there - and there wasn’t a “guarantee” clinic in the Twin Cities. None of my fertility treatment was covered out of pocket, and 12 years ago we were broke. $400 a month for Fertinex was breaking us - in addition to turning me into a raving bitch. With no guarantees we’d ever get pregnant, we decided FOR US having a child was more important than creating a child.

So we went down the adoption path, which - at that place and time in that program - pretty much meant a baby within a year.

And promptly started paying $800 a month for daycare. :eek: And promptly had a surprise baby that put us at $1400 a month :eek::eek: in daycare within twelve months of having our first.

Had we not just gotten really lucky in terms of timing (we got to take advantage of the dot com boom - AND we’ve kept our dot com boom jobs through the 2001 bust and the Great Recession), we’d really have had a struggle just to keep the roof over our heads

As far as knowing when you ovulate–have you been taking your temperature every morning? PCOS may mess around with the reliability of that (I don’t know; didn’t research PCOS when I was TTC) but if it works, it is free and very reliable. I charted my temperature using fertilityfriend.com which interprets the results for you. I found it to be more reliable than ovulation prediction kits.

I know it’s hard but try not to get too down about it yet.

My has PCOS, we tried for about a year with no luck. We then started fertility treatment and she was given some drug (I think it may have been Clomid or something similar) to help induce ovulation. Within a couple of months she was pregnant and we now have a son.

She was 40 so you still have plenty of time. It’s probably difficult to relax about it but doing so does help with success in this.

My advice, and again, blunt here - try not to get too down about it EVER. Yes, its early - chances are really good that - having gotten pregnant once in less than a year of trying, you’ll get pregnant again soonish - and while the pain of this loss won’t ever go away, it will get dimmer. And yet I have a cousin who spent 15 years trying, and starring in her own little infertility drama where not having a baby was the most traumatic thing in the world and became quite insufferable about it - and when your own sister has breast cancer and your cousin continues to play the “I can’t have kids” pity card which grew old ten years before - frankly you want to tell her to stuff it.

Spend some time trying to get pregnant, you haven’t been at it a year yet, give it some time. And if it doesn’t take the traditional way, decide if you want to go for intervention. Think about your outcomes - would you consider adopting? What would life be like for you as childfree (and there are advantages - in the ‘the thing I want most is a baby’ frenzy - its easy to forget that there are advantages to the hip childfree life of “I can watch any movie I want.” Yeah, that is STILL the apex of my post motherhood ambition - to have the TV to myself and be able to watch Dexter - or something else really child inappropriate)? Try and keep at least part of your brain focused on the positive things in your life - a supportive and loving spouse is a good start.

My husband and I are planning on adopting. Ideally, we’d love to have one and adopt one. We are both strong believers in adoption; his father was adopted my parents’ godson was adopted, one of my cousins was adopted. We will adopt someday, so we will have kids someday.

But I long to experience pregnancy. I want to feel the baby moving inside me. I want to have my husband sing to my pregnant stomach. I know pregnancy is a struggle at time, I know it’s hard, uncomfortable and difficult. But I also know it’s very rewarding. My good friend just had a baby, and spending time with her while she was pregnant really showed me the joy of pregnancy. (That baby couldn’t have come at a worse time for me, but I can’t begrudge her that. It’s not like she got pregnant to spite me… and she was pregnant first, but anyway…)

Stop trying so hard. You and your husband want a baby, you’ve got the discussion out of the way and neither of you doubts you want to raise children as a couple. If you can agree that if it doesn’t happen for a couple more years you’re both fine with that, then the pressure’s off. I’m a firm believer that women who are “trying” put so much pressure on themselves that the stress on the mind and body actually work against successful pregnancy.

Dangerosa may tell me I’m completely wrong, but her story only lends to my own personal evidence that “planned” babies rarely happen. There seems to be an awful lot of couples out there (I know three personally, and I don’t socialize with a ton of people so that’s a pretty high ratio) who went the route of seeking fertility treatments without success and then decided to adopt. Or were successful with the fertility route and managed to have a baby not without great time and expense. Not long after the adopted/fertility-assisted baby is home, a natural pregnancy happens! Coincidence? I think not. The pressure was completely and totally off. Once all that stress and pressure were off (not that new baby isn’t stressful - it’s a different stress), the mother’s body relaxed and conceived.

You need to take as much time for yourself as you need to properly mourn your loss. I’m an adopted child of a mother who really went through a lot, both with miscarriages prior to adopting me, and then with 2 full-term pregnancies that resulted in non-viable births. There was a lot of sorrow in my household until I was 6. I saw my mom hugely pregnant twice with brothers who never came home. I honestly don’t know how she came through it all with her sanity intact, but she did. (this was in the 70’s, she had an underlying condition that wasn’t diagnosed until the 80’s that explained why she couldn’t have successful pregnancies)

You will be OK. Stop trying and let your body do its thing. It might take another year or two, but if you can be in the state of mind where “oops!” you’re pregnant, you may find yourself with an armload of baby before you know it!

I know you think this is helpful, but this exact and common advice is *always *cited by trying-to-conceive couples as the most painful thing anyone says. It comes across as dismissive of the pain someone is suffering (once you’ve made the “go” decision, you can’t just turn it off) and it comes across as blaming the couple–“You just want it too much.”

It’s also just not true. Only about 10% of couples deal with infertility, and of those that do, many are resolved fairly quickly. The world is FULL of planned babies–it’s just that people that plan babies and then get pregnant quickly never tell anyone about the plan–they wait until they have good news. It’s only after years of trying that it becomes known you are struggling with infertility.

Furthermore, it’s dangerous. The OP is young, so it’s not a big deal, but if a woman is 35 and spends a couple years “relaxing and just not worrying about it” instead of seeking treatment, she may well permanently lose the ability to conceive. Fertility starts dropping dramatically at some point in your late 30s.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is not caused by stress.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is not cured by relaxation.

You are completely wrong. And saying something that doesn’t help, in case you can’t tell from the previous responses.

I conceived my daughter when waiting for my son half a world away. Not a stress free time. A girlfriend at work jumped through hoops for her first two, the third was a surprise - conceived while her infant was going through chemotherapy.

There is no statistical difference in people who have fertility problems in people who conceive spontaneously while trying, those who give up completely (but don’t use birth control) and those who adopt. It IS coincidence.

PLUS, its highly offensive. My son was not adopted as a fertility treatment to get my daughter - yet that is the implication. Should Serenata adopt, she’s adopting because she is choosing that path to parenthood, not because that path might manage to get her a bio child.

A lot of infertility is unexplained. For me, I had boardline issues with hormones - they SHOULD have been sufficient to support a pregnancy, but apparently they weren’t. But a woman’s hormones level’s through her life can ebb and flow - and mine were apparently at an ebb when we were trying. (I still get classed with “unexplained infertility” but that was the best the RE could come up with to give me an answer. Those boarderline hormone levels were all they every found that was wrong - and they weren’t wrong.)

Serenata, I’m glad to hear you guys are adoption positive already, because if you DON’T conceive and carry to term (and I think you will, its just a matter of giving it a few more tries), that step will be easy for you to take. My aforementioned cousin could never come to terms with adoption - so chose to be childless - except that wasn’t her choice either. Very frustrating for her, to reject the only door available as “not good enough” - in some ways I don’t understand it, but for some people, a biological child is really really important.

I will say one thing about “relaxing” - it may not help you conceive, but it will make this time much more pleasant – obsessing constantly about when you ovulate, if it took, mourning the lack of pregnancy is not fun - and if you can minimize it, I promise this time will be more pleasant regardless of the outcome. I discovered yoga during my TTC time. Also, like breaking up with a boyfriend who never liked Mexican food - so you visit a Mexican restaurant to help you feel better - embrace your current child free-ness. I didn’t read an entire book for YEARS once my children arrived (at least ones that had more than seven words on a page). A paint can didn’t get opened for five years (painting with toddlers around - not fun).

At your age, my mother’s medical history was similar to yours, although her PCOS hadn’t been detected yet. She was called infertile. I also suspect that Dad’s sperm count wasn’t particularly high, based on what I know about their sexual habits and the circumstances of each of Mom’s known pregnancies; the stress she was under while trying for their firstborn didn’t help. I have two brothers, and you have access to much better doctors than she did.

Best wishes; I’m afraid I’m not very good at the comfort part.

I also agree that SeaDragonTattoo’s post is offensive, and I don’t think many people who aren’t in our situation realize it. I relaxed for FIVE YEARS and it got me no where. I’ve tried aggressively for two and half years and have had one success and loss.

Serenata67, how far away from the one year mark / getting insurance are you? I hate waiting (nothing like that two week wait!), but sometimes it helps me to think stuff like ‘I will have my appointment with the fertility clinic in January, my first IUI in March, and if it works, I’ll be pregnant this time next year!’ I can allow myself to be positive about the future even though it seems like thing take FOR.EVER.

I apologize to everyone who found my post offensive. That was never the intent, and I would hope a re-read would perhaps reveal the intent no matter how badly written. So I have been roundly corrected. My mother’s difficulties wither her pregnancies were traumatic for me as a child and it comes out in weird ways sometimes. She’s my hero and I was trying to let Seranata know that she will get through her miscarriage, too, because she sounds like a strong person. (and yoga got my mom though a lot too - breathing exercises and meditation helped her so much she still talks about it today)

I thought it was more plain to see that my answer to the OP would have been different if she were older. She’s young and hasn’t been trying for a year yet, and has already got proof that conception is possible for her, with heartbreaking results. She’s got a couple of years yet, to try and enjoy her marriage and all the fun that goes with pre-baby adventures she and her husband can share in the meantime. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to set a goal of 29 or 30, and say if there’s no baby by then, it will be time to pursue the fertility treatments.

I’m trying to offer nothing but support and I’m sorry it’s been seen differently. I’ll just stay out of these threads in the future. I apologize profusely if I’ve done it again and said anything else offensive.

Its ok, we all know it was innocently done.

Two things to never say to someone having problems conceiving or someone who conceived after adopting.

“Just relax and you’ll get pregnant” (often backed up by an anecdote) - it puts the blame of NOT conceiving on the infertile woman. AND statistics don’t really seem to back it up. (Although, as I said, relaxing is good - simply because being stressed out about the whole thing isn’t fun).

“Adopt and you’ll get pregnant” (or the corollary to someone like me “oh, it always happens that way”). It doesn’t and adoption is a lifelong committment to another human being that becomes YOUR OWN child, not a fertility treatment.

Now you know better. Infertile woman and adoptive parents tend to be a little touchy on these. And you hear them so damn often that its pretty obvious people just need to be educated that these sound really bad - even when you are well intentioned.