“Dad, I banged my head on the table!”
“Is the table OK?”
or, (Dad goes up to the table and smacks it) “Bad Table!”
or, “Buck up or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
This sounds worse than it is, but it was always told entirely as a joke: “Shall I punch you? If I punch you you’ll forget <other injury>. Shall I punch you? Shall I? Huh, shall I?”
Always just made me laugh 
“Chicks dig scars.”
I don’t have faintest idea what to say to the girls, I mean, they’re allowed to cry and stuff.
Whaddya mean they’re (girls) are allowed to cry and stuff? My favorite with my girls is
Are you bleeding? -or-
Should we take you to the ER and have them cut it off? -or-
And what were you doing that you weren’t supposed to be?
Okay maybe that last one is sincere!
“Hold him down while I get the blow torch to cauterize the wound”
You’re all forgetting the most INSINCERE of comments to hurt kids:
Kid: Is this gonna hurt?
Doctor: It won’t hurt one bit.
…
Kid: AAAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHH!!!
Child consequently loses all trust and respect for his elders.
My Mom always used the “pinch or poke you somewhere else and you’ll forget about the original injury” method, which I hated.
My Dad just cried out in intentionally fake sympathy, “Oh the pain, oh the agony!” I still sometimes say that to myself (in the same exaggerated moaning voice) when I get a minor injury.
From my dad (Mr. “I’ve got a paper cut, and am now completely incapacitated”), I got a lot of “Don’t cry, it can only hurt you.”
If somebody hurts his ankle, I’ll say, “Ya want me to kick the other one so you don’t limp in a circle?”
This thread is causing major flashbacks to my youth!
LilMiss is injured jumping on the bed, after having been told NOT to jump on the bed:
“Mom! I hurt my head!”
“Jumping on the bed?”
“…uh…yeah…”
“Sucks to be you!”
(That works better when there is blood)
“Mom, my right foot hurts!”
“C’mere, let me stamp on your left foot. The the right one won’t bother you as much.”
“Mom, the cat bit me!”
“…and?..”
No blood, no band-aid. You self-inflict injury due to stupidity, no pity.
Of course, when I broke my toe because I grabbed a glass jar with wet hands and WHOOPS! it slipped, I got “Mo-om, you shoulda dried your hands completely, shouldn’t you?”
Well, if it was a complete accident, I tend to be more sincere and less sarcastic but most of the time I hear my mother’s voice coming out of my mouth and saying things like:
“SEE? I TOLD you not to do that! That’s what happens when you walk on the back of the couch/jump on the bed/torture the cat/torture your little brother!”
D_Odds:
Your kid named Calvin (As in calvin and Hobbes)? Sounds like something his dad would say!
I don’t know, it’s pretty scarey to hear stuff come out of my mouth that sounds exactly like my mom or dad.
I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day and my husband was at National Guard Drill. One of the girls did something to the other and I responded as per usual with “If you two WANT me to come in there, just keep it up!”. Whereupon the little angels quieted right down…Mom however, she was just laughing like anything. She always said that she hoped that when I had kids I’d get one just like me. Sheesh, moms anyway. Now I tell my kids the same thing!
:wally :wally :wally :wally
That one is good!
My preferred is:
Kid: “Muuuuuuum, Jezza hit me for nothing!”
Me: “Hit you for nothing?? Well, you got outta that cheap…I would’ve charged you for the privilege”. 
Every once in a while I will open my mouth and my mom’s voice comes out.
VERRRRYYYYY SCARY
But when LilMiss is injured it’s entirely my voice. She mollycoddles. I’m mean.
I usually get a “Well, duh.” from my kids when I console them with
“It’ll feel better once it stops hurtin’.”
I like, in response to some major interpersonal infraction (such as “he’s looking at me!” or some such horror), to say “Maybe if you cry like a bitch, he’ll stop.”
That oughtta work.
Life’s a bitch, then you die…
(good thing I’m not a parent, huh?)
I just tell them it doesn’t hurt. :shrug:
Sooner or later, I’m always right.
I coach kids trampolining and gymnastics, and the kids have their fair share of knocks.
Kid: Owwww! My finger!
Me: Give me your arm. (Begin sawing with below shoulder.) Do you want me to amputate?
Kid: Owwww! (Begins to wail.)
Me: But you’re too big and tough to cry about it, aren’t you?
Kid: Oh yes! (Kid stops crying.)
Kid: Owww!
Me: Does it hurt?
Kid: YES! LOTS!
Me: Go sit down and have a rest til it feels better.
Kid: (30 secs later, after seeing the other kids doing something cool.) Oh, it doesn’t hurt any more! (runs off)
Kid: Owwww! My foot hurts!
Me: Kiss it better.
Kid: (at beginning of class) I hurt my foot at school today, I won’t be able to do … (limps off)
–five mins later—
Kid: yeah! (running around playing a game in warmup)
Kid: Owww! My hand hurts!
Me: No worries, you’ve got another.