We tend to respond like Kalhoun, offering to beat up the offending piece of furniture since they, the INJURED ones, are too hurt to defend themselves.
~ “Did you get any blood on the floor/sofa/sidewalk? Uh, oh … it’s allergic to blood…”
~ “We’ve exceeded our allowable trips to the emergency room this month - we’ll have to amputate ourselves - now point to where the headache hurts most again?”
~ " OH NO! Did you hurt my table/sofa/sidewalk when you fell???"
My aunt was watching some little nephews, and one hit his head on the corner of a step. Her reaction, “Will chocolate make it better?”
She doesn’t have kids of her own.
I’m one for telling them to not bleed/vomit on my carpets.
I’ve also been known to ask them “did that hurt right away or did it take a few minutes”
Lots of funny ones when my son was in the hospital in his body cast after being hit by that car.
For example his inbreed uncle came up with the gem…“hey buddy! How you feelin’?”
Or his sperm donor who called the hospital and asked if Josh was there.:rolleyes: Nope, he went for a jog around the ward you putz.
Child #5 wailing “Momma I scraped my knee!!!”
Me “Gosh, I bet it would really hurt if I poked around at it a little”
Oh, and they aren’t called stitches they are “string band-aids”
We’ve also had our fair share of child and dog/cat accidents in which one child or the other was hurt by one of the animals and we’ve replied with "oh great, now we will have to take them (said pet) to the vet and make sure they didn’t catch anything from you. " or “it’s a good thing you (kids and animals) are up to date on your shots”
And yes I do live in a fairly Calvin and Hobbes type house.
Awwwwwwwwwwwww Diddums
Add me to the “You’d better be bleeding” crowd.
And asking if the offending furniture/wall/sidewalk/etc. is okay.
I’ll also offer to injure them someplace else - say stomp on their toe, to make them forget a jammed finger.
Or how about, “You’re to young to have a headache.”
Or, in response to a cold or somesuch - “Just because you feel lousy is no reason to make everyone else miserable.”
But my all time favorite is Shake it off, you big crybaby!
Of course, this all came back to bite me in the ass a while back. We had just bought a new fridge, with the freezer compartment on the bottom. On the day it was delivered, I was home alone with the kids, playing Nintendo in the basement. I went upstairs to the kitchen for a beer. Tho there were no lights on in the kitchen, I figured I’d be able to locate a beer when the light inside went on. So I grabbed the handle and swung the door open.
Of course, since the new fridge had the fridge compartment on top, the top corner - instead of being at chest level - struck me squarely between the eyes. I don’t know that I saw stars, but there was definitely a light show. And I got the feeling that if I didn’t work very hard at resisting it, I might lose consciousness and slump to the floor. But I managed to keep my eyes open, and headed back downstairs, where Mario and my children awaited.
A little while later, I felt a sensation of moistness on my face. Touching my face, my hand came away red. Went upstairs, and saw in the mirror that blood was dripping all down my face. Had a gash in my forehead that could have used a stitch or 2, but responded to a butterfly.
When I went downstairs I asked the kids why they didn’t tell me I was hurt. They said, “You’re always telling us to shake it off!”
But I reminded them of the bleeding corollary, signifying the possibility of significant injury and legitimizing concern.
Those kids don’t have a chance.
When I was a tot, I was told to apologize to the ground for falling on it.
I’m not sure I can come up with anything insincere regarding minor personal injuries… the Tzeroling’s life is a continuous daily drama of oppression and denial of individual freedoms, so insincerity seems to have become par for the course for both the “adults” in the house.
I could usually halt hysteria by asking if we needed to call 911.
When I was a kid and didn’t feel good, my grandpa would ask me if I was mopey or soupy. I really didn’t know what it meant, but I’d always have to stop and think about it.
Me: “Mom, I hurt my ______!”
Mom (who was a nurse): “Uh-oh, looks fatal.”
Or: “Lemme know if it falls off.”
Or: “I guess I better take you to the doctor for a shot.”
Me: “No, no! It’s better now, see!”
“Gushing blood?”
“Well… no.”
“Did you break anything?”
“Dad! well… no. All my bones are OK. But-”
“I meant the furniture(/dishes/computer/car/whatever). Break anything?”
“DAD!”
D_Odds, that sounds like my father. “My leg hurts!” “Well, take it off, then.”
My mom’s response, which was quite sincere, through brusque–Mom didn’t care for crybabies–was always, “You’ll survive.”
Kid comes crying to me because she hurt <incert injured area here>.
My favorite line is to start wailing like there’s no tomorrow and telling her it’s fatal and I’ll miss her when she’s gone.
That’s always good for that snotty 11 year old look from her.
My mom: OH GOD!! I don’t want to see that!!
My dad: I’ll call Jerry Lewis; maybe he can have a telethon for you.
My uncle (who is an MD): You know, I had a case like this once. It was an anterior sclera, almost truncated; I isolated the medulla and…(To be fair, he was bandaging it up as he spoke.)
Calvin: I told you I’m not sick! What’s that? Will it hurt?
Doctor: It’s a stethoscope. It won’t hurt at all.
C: What’s that? Will it hurt?
D: It’s a tongue depressor. It won’t hurt at all.
C: What’s THAT? Will it hurt?
D: It’s a cattle prod. It hurts a little less than a branding iron.
[Calvin faints]
D: Little kids have no sense of humor.
Oh…oh my…oooh, that’s horrible…that’s a really nasty one…
::picks up butcher knife and sharpening stone from kitchen::
…we’re just going to have to amputate, I don’t think there’s any saving it…
When my daughter fell off her bike, she hurt her butt. All the neighborhood heard her crying. She dropped her pants and wanted someone to kiss it better.
ME: OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE A CRACK IN YOUR BUTT. This will never heal, forever and ever you will be known as the girl with the crack in her butt.
HE HE-- she was upset about having a butt crack.