I just subscribed, and I haven’t been at the boards for a while, so forgive me if this is the wrong section for this (I do see those “story-one-sentence-at-a-time” threads pop up here, so I believe I have precedent).
I recently played parts of Monkey Island 3 again, specifically the insult sword fighting. I particularly liked Guybrush’s erroneous rhyming comebacks that I often used before I learned the proper comeback.
I thought it would be neat to start a thread of MI style insults and comebacks. Monkey Island 3 rules (the comeback has to be related to the insult and rhyme), for example:
Insult: You have the sex appeal of a Shar-pei!
Valid comeback: I look that much like your fiancee?
Fake comeback: Plan for your future with a 401k.
Insult: You’re the most pathetic pirate I’ve ever seen.
Valid comeback: Once I’ve beaten you, you’ll be cleaning my latrine!
Fake comeback: High cholesterol can cause infarctions of the spleen.
I don’t know if this will get off the ground, but I wanted to see if it would catch on. Give me a valid comeback, and an insult of your own. Pirate themed insults and cute fake comebacks are encouraged.
Valid: I guess you haven’t smelled your mom’s cologne?
Fake: I seem to have misplaced my cellular phone.
Insult: You’re scaly and filthy and your breath smells like fish.
Real: That’s the tripe calling the haggis an unpleasant dish.*
Fake: I only eat kosher! Do you have a knish?
(*It’s hard to come up with a rhyme for this one- the idea is like “the pot calling the kettle black”- that is, well, so are you!)
Your sword is as sharp as a Hilton named Paris.
Real: My sword will collect you like a frilly cravat! (Yeah, slant rhyme? Vomit is hard to rhyme with.)
Fake: My friend’s favorite program is Wallace & Gromit.
All really good so far! Though the point of the fake insults is to be completely off the mark except for the rhyming. The cell phone and knish comebacks are great examples of a fake. Some of the others, however, would have been fine comebacks except that they weren’t as relevant to the insult.
Insult: Pick a sword fight with me? You must be touched in the head.
Insult: Pick a sword fight with me? You must be touched in the head.
Real: Better touched in the head than untouched in the bed.
Fake: I’ll take a tulip, please, in any color but red.
Insult: For a pirate you sure look like a sissy.
Real: Your words sound brave, but your knees are gelatin.
Fake: Take out the bullets before you melt a gun.
Insult: Your mother squeals like a pig when she sits on my sword.
Insult: You’re as fat as a ham and will crack like an egg
Real: Mighty tough words from a pirate named ‘Greg.’
Fake: But my penis is huge! It’s as long as my leg!
Insult: Is that a bird on your shoulder or a feathery goiter?
Real2: Your fighting is less lithesome than I can allow.
Alternate: You’ll look graceful when you’re tied to my prow.
Fake2: The sewing machine was invented by Howe.