A grown daughter speaks kindly of her mother in letters and in person to others:
Mother was told daughter has integrity:
Grown daughter ‘deserted’ mother over 20 years ago, with 2 grandchildren, at her husband’s request.
“To this day”, the daughter is unkind to the mother, although little contact all those years with mother but last was one year ago.
Mother says daughter is a hypocrite!
(After 10 years of marriage, Daughter is ‘alone’ for over 15 years, then wrote to mother that she is a lesbian. Mother accepts the news with love, and no condemnation.)
Just because I don’t like or don’t get along with someone does not give me the right to speak unkindly of them to others. I guess I understand the mothers bitterness, but I don’t consider the daughter to be a hypocrite.
I’m not sure I understand you clearly, because the situation is being described using sentence fragments.
Asking whether the daughter has integrity or whether she is a hypocrite seems to not address the central question, which is the quality of the relationship between the daughter and mother both before and after the estrangement. If, for example, the mother was abusive to the daughter and the husband urged the daughter to cut the ties on a terrible relationship, that would seem to mean that the daughter is acting responsibly. If, on the other hand, the relationship between the mother and daughter was great, but the husband is a controlling jerk, that would seem to mean that the daughter treated her mother unfairly.
It is not nice to speak ill of people behind their backs. Telling them what you think of them to their face is a different matter; that depends on the relationship.
If you are familiar with Narcissism, that is the “now ex” son-in-law, divide and conquer, who did exactly that to the mother–dismissed her from ever returning. Although the daughter was being emotionlly abused she never admitted to the mother. It took 5 more years for her to wise up and divorce him, but the mother has still be left out.
That inference was in the original post…
along with “A grown daughter speaks kindly of her mother in letters and in person to others:
Mother was told daughter has integrity:”
and
*“To this day”, the daughter is unkind to the mother"…
Mother says daughter is a hypocrite!"
Labels are useful to that extent that they help you understand a person’s behavior. They’re not an end in themselves.
People are complicated. Perhaps your daughter shows integrity in most aspects of her life, but is hypocritical toward her mother.
If I was involved in this situation I’d be less interested in finding the right label and more interested in resolving things in a desirable fashion. It sounds like your daughter’s controlling ex alienated her from you. Now, even though the ex is gone, you’re still alienated.
It might be useful to try to figure out WHY your daughter continues to WANT this separation. Her ex might have triggered it, but she’s continuing it, and she’s continuing it for a reason. Has she ever given any clue as to why she doesn’t want to have contact with you? Her reasons might be completely bogus, but unless you understand what they are, you’ll never make any progress.
She was 19 (A+ Honour Student) and I asked her to please not marry until I put her through University. By then was when he had control over her and her response was that they were getting married whether I liked it or not and if I didn’t like it, I could stay away. I went along with it, paid for the wedding etc. (to try to keep civility between us) but she knew it was a mistake in 2 years time (although didn’t tell me until years later) and then, as mentioned in my original post, she told me in Jan 2010 she is a lesbian and in a relationship.
That statement of hers was the beginning of more abuse from both, as she popped out 3 grandchildren, whom I now don’t know, at 19, 22 and 24.
When she divorced him she went into debt and put herself through University, and ignoring me, or being abusive appeared to be her favourite pastime.
I don’t care for labels either, but this from my sister made me realize where she is coming from, when I consider my daughter a “?” as she cannot admit her error at least to my face and I feel as though I did HER wrong.
If she’s abusive to you when you contact her then you shouldn’t try to have a relationship with her now. The only way to deal with someone who’s actively nasty is to walk away until they’re ready not to be.
On the other hand, if you’re expecting an apology for her past behavior … don’t. Maybe eventually the rift between you will heal to the point that she’ll feel comfortable admitting she was wrong. But right now, with her still feeling hostile, it won’t happen. My advice would be to concentrate on the relationship now, not the apology. And, hopefully, as things soften between you, eventually an apology will come.
I think it likely that her apparently recent discovery of her sexuality has played a very large role in all of this.
I also think you should accept the good things your daughter says about you to others at face value until she gives you a new reason to believe otherwise. In my experience, it is generally what people say behind your back that is truly how they feel about you.
Other than that, I can give no real advice. At least, none that has not already been given.
Both your posts put a better spin on the situation.
I will continue to do nothing, as I see the first move as being hers. Anything that I have attempted has only antagonized her and brought forth abusive responses. But I’ve always loved with Hope----“Hope for what” is hard to say— just for something better.
I think the daughter is a hypocrite. She’s been leading others to think that everything’s hunkey-dorey between them when in reality she’s treating the mother very badly. I don’t think she’s coming from the viewpoint of “not wanting to speak ill of the mother.” I think she’s thinking she doesn’t want people to think unkindly of HER. (And this rift happened long before her sexual epiphany.)
Well, the mother thinks she’s treating the mother badly. We haven’t heard the daughter’s side of the story. We don’t know if the daughter actually is treating the mother poorly.
If you are all over the internet calling your daughter a hypocrite and trying to scorekeep the rights and wrongs of whatever happened 20 years ago, I don’t think you treat her very kindly either.
You’re actually mad that your daughter attempts to preserve your image by not airing your conflict to others? Well, I can see how that would be upsetting, since it’s apparently more than you can do.