Interesting online dating observation

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been using online dating as a method of meeting new people, augmenting my social life, etc. for the past ~2.5 years. In that time, I’ve noticed that there is a much better chance of there being a second date with someone if she voluntarily tells me her full (first and last name) before the first date as compared to someone who doesn’t divulge her last name.

So, I did the numbers this evening to see if my theory held true:

Since mid-2003 I’ve met 15 women through online dating (all through The Onion Personals and its companion sites).

Group 1: 10 of them told me their last names before I ever met them in person (and in most cases before any phone calls were made). Of these 10 first dates, 7 resulted in second dates. That’s 70%.

Group 2: The other 5 did not reveal their last names prior to the first date (or ever). Zero of these first dates resulted in second dates. That’s 0%.

My first attempt to explain this discrepancy is that the women in Group 2 were more on the border and less enthusiastic about meeting me, and thus didn’t want to tell me their last names. That may be true, but in most cases, of the women who did reveal their last names, most did so because their last names were part of their email address, and usually did so pretty early on in our pre-date correspondences. I never have asked anyone their last name that I met through online dating. I figure that if they want to tell me, they will.

So, based on this, I am wondering if anyone has seen (or bothered to look for) this trend. If so, any speculations as to the cause? Are secretive people less likely to go on second dates regardless of how well (or awful) the first one went? In order to save time, should I no longer arrange first dates with women who don’t tell me their last names upfront?

2

I have two personal email addresses, my “real” address (firstnamelastname@…) and a yahoo account (twickster47@…). I use the yahoo account as my contact address here, for online dating when I’m doing that, and for other miscellaneous purposes where I don’t necessarily want to use my last name. So I always have to pick the point at which I move someone over to my real address. For here, if it’s just an exchange of hellos or whatever, I don’t, but if there’s an actual correspondence (or the potential for one), I switch them. For dating, I would switch them if I think there’s some possibility (whatever that might mean). Usually this is connected with the phone number thing, since once you’ve got my phone number, which is listed, you can get my full name and address.

Have I met men for coffee without doing the last name thing? Yes. Have I gone out on an actual date without revealing it? Only once (for some reason I never switched him over, though he did have my phone number, and we’d discussed last names). So I guess it depends on whether you include the coffee meet as a first date or not. I don’t. The last-name-phone-number thing happens around the time of the coffee meet, sometimes before the actual meeting, sometimes at the meeting. Only if I didn’t really think there was no possibility at all would I not reveal that info.

3

Interesting. Maybe secretive people are less trusting, and that somehow comes across during the first date? I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone for drinks or a date without knowing his last name.

(I’ve slept with a few guys without knowing a last name – and in one case, without being completely sure of his first name – but that’s another thread. ;))

Me, too. But with me, the Yahoo address is my real one – one of my Comcast accounts is the “anonymous” one. :slight_smile:

Once I’m ready to go beyond the anonymous mailer provided by the dating service, I give out my “real” address right away. I figure if we’re at that point I’m also ready to give him my phone number (which is a cell phone and therefore isn’t listed; I have no land line) and set up a meeting, so there’s nothing to hide.

4

Hm, no, I give the “anonymous” email address immediately, since it’s also my main IM address, and it’s simpler just to get off the service’s system ASAP. (“If you’d like to communicate further, twickster47 is good for email and IM.”) And though I have a cell, I don’t have voicemail on it and I almost never have it on, so I use my “real” phone number.

Here’s another permutation – I’ll be the one to switch over to a regular email address, but I almost always wait for the guy to offer his phone number first.

5

I don’t think I’ve ever given out an IM name. I’m logged in all day, and I never mind if friends/family message me while I’m at work, but I’m hardly ever “on” in the evenings and it’s just never occurred to me to give out my IM information. Even the last guy I dated for a few months never had my IM info, but that’s only because I asked him about it once and he said he didn’t really care for instant messaging.

I’ve been the first to offer my e-mail address, first to offer my phone number, first to suggest meeting in person, etc. I don’t care. I’m not obnoxious about it, throwing all of that out to him in the first couple of messages or anything, but I’m also not going to sit around thinking, “I wish he’d indicate that he’d like to talk on the phone” or “I wonder if he’s ready to meet.”

I always find it interesting that there can be so many different approaches to a common activity (in this case, online dating) – I guess that’s why I’m drawn to threads like this. :slight_smile:

6

You know, I’m less and less interested in people’s last names and other personal info these days.

My expectations are so low at this point that I’m greatful when the person showing up for the date is the same person who did the emailing in the first place.

For fuck sakes people. When you ask someone out and get all eager and excited about meeting them NOW! Please have the courtesy and the charisma to actually sit across the table from them and carry 50% of the conversation. In fact, would it kill you to show just a bit of enthusiasm IRL? :mad:

…sorry for the hijack.

7

I do the 2 email addresses thing two, where one is firstnamelastname and the other is anonymous. My main reasoning though is that giving the second one foils Googol searches. I don’t have anything to hide, but sometimes I’d rather hold back letting the other person know what geeky activities I’m involved in or have been involved in so as to not scare them off immediately, if they are the skittish type or I think they might be. Sometimes I give my real email address immediately anyways, if I’m feeling lazy and don’t want to have to check the other one.

8

You must not be all that geeky then, or you’d have an interface that lets you check all of your accounts from one place. :slight_smile:
Like, um, I do.

9

That actually does represent a significant enough difference that I think you’re on to something, even though you’re dealing with a non-random sample. But there are many possible explanations.

10

First, I don’t know squat about online dating, but if you want a WAG about your results from someone with a good deal of IRL experience, here goes:

I think your personal preference tends toward open, secure women. The type that aren’t afraid of a situation. The type that isn’t scared to give out her full name. You like this type, and ask them out for subsequent dates.

The nervous, scared, insecure types that are naturally cautious about giving out their last name don’t do it for you. You don’t ask for a second date.

I suggest that the difference is explained in the type of woman you prefer.

Or of you think I’m fulla shit, that’s Ok too. :wink:

11

I’m old. I met my husband on the internet, but I think we may have been the first. (not really) I’m wondering how much has changed since then.

That was 1994. Even then, the chances of the person you were talking with, having no resemblance to who they said they were was about 50/50, heck, a fair percentage weren’t even the sex they said they were.

The first time I would “chat” with someone, I would tell them my age, my weight and "rate " my looks for them. (Then, it was above average, now, not so much.)
Last names usually arrived with the first phone conversation.
It never occurred to me to hold back information, or to make myself out to be anything but my own self. I found myself to be in a class of one.

One guy told me he was 50, but looked 35. He said he was over 6’ and h/w/p. He was actually 66, looked every day of it, was 5’7" on a good day. He was balding with a horrid comb over, I’m sure he had to be told what color his underwear was, because he couldn’t see it.
What was he, or any of them thinking? Maybe they thought I’d actually be blind.

What amazed me even more, was their disappointment to find I was exactly who I’d described to them. I guess it just meant that lying and dissembling was, not just common behavior, but expected.

I guess the first reason I was attracted to my now, husband, was that when I first laid eyes on him, he actually looked like his description.

It was funny to confront someone you’d met in person, when they were telling someone else in the chat room their fairytale. Usually it would end up being a pile-on, since the same guys made the rounds in the same chat rooms, pissing off the entire female contingent.

I know women did it too, but I’d like to think it wasn’t as blatant. I want to think that women are practical enough to realize, they can’t all be blind.

So, is there more honesty out there now?