People on dating sites who seem to want pen pals and not dates

In My Humble Opinion
1

I really don’t know if this, er, trait applies to men and women equally, since I’m looking for women – so that’s my first question. Are there as many men who want to exchange messages over a prolonged period as there seem to be women?

I sent probably 400 messages to women on Match, saying they caught my eye and seemed interesting, and inviting them to look at profile and decide if they would like to share a coffee or a meal with me, and if so to reply. A rough breakdown, 95% didn’t reply at all, 4% said no thanks, and the remaining 1% started asking me questions that indicated some level of interest. I answered and we exchanged a few messages, and after 2 or 3 exchanges, I asked them to commit to a time and place of their choosing to meet.

Not one would do so (except for one exception, which I’ll get to in a bit). They wanted to know me more before they made that kind of “commitment”. In a couple of cases I suggested meeting in their local police station lobby, because I had nothing to hide. Or maybe they could bring a friend. But no, they didn’t feel comfortable meeting so soon. These were women who were at most maybe a 15 minute drive from someplace public where we could meet and talk.

Ultimately, I changed my profile, following the lead of a bunch of women’s profiles I saw saying who they WEREN’T interested in – mostly hookups for sex. My choice was “pen pals” – I preferred living people to that.

And my respond rate dropped accordingly.

FYI, the one exception was the one woman I went on a date with. During it, she told me she was bored and when my message came, she didn’t even look at my pic or profile, just thought, “Sure, why not?” In fairness, I agreed to meet her for just as impersonal reasons – she was the only one who said yes, and my only option. We met just a week ago and I’m still thinking about a second date. It was very depressing to realize I was just a male cypher to her, but what is she to me? I haven’t really figured that out yet.

2

I think you are doing it wrong. You didn’t say which site(s) you are using but this hasn’t been my experience. I do believe that the sincerity and quality varies a lot by site and it is important for the women to have at least something invested so I stay away from the free sites and especially POF (shudder). I have had the best luck with Match.com and generally just let them come to me and let me do the screening and rejecting up front rather than the other way around.

The technique I stumbled across was to pick the interesting ones (less than 2% of the total), write several detailed and personalized messages over the course of no more than a few days, schedule a phone call (you are missing this essential step) and then ask them to do something specific and fun at the end of the phone call if it goes well. I don’t do interview dates, coffee meetups or any of that other bullshit. I have had a 100% success rate with everyone that has gotten as far as a phone call (about 50 so far). They are either in or out and I will do my best to make sure we both have fun on a first date even if it doesn’t work out.

Suggesting meeting at a police station or telling them you can bring a friend is just odd and I wouldn’t ever meet with someone that used that thought process. You have to be confident and pick an activity you will both like and then just ask them to do it with you.

One other tip is that most men can’t write attractive dating profiles even if they are good writers in other ways. Match.com offers a paid service for one of their (mostly female) dating specialists to rewrite your profile so it that it attracts many more responses. I did it myself for something like $70 and the specialist that rewrote mine did an outstanding job with an instant jump in popularity. You get it back as plain text and can modify it or even copy it across sites as you see fit.

3

I think if you want them to meet you, you should be making the decision and doing the asking. Otherwise you seem indecisive and lack confidence, which is unattractive, IMHO. If you are leading, then take the lead.

If they don’t want to meet, then “next” them. You aren’t going to talk someone into being attracted to you. You can’t become their pen pal unless you choose to.

Also, I know it doesn’t seem like it but a meal might be a bit much for a “date” these days.

4

Did you IM with them? Chat on the phone? I wouldn’t meet a guy after 2-3 email exchanges either.

That is unbelievably creepy. What’s wrong with you?

The whole “bring a friend” thing might just be even creepier. They’re not scared of you. They just don’t want to waste their time. And from the way you disdain them because they weren’t willing to do what you want when you want it shows they had good sense in walking away.

5

Damn, so from 400 messages you only got 4 potentials? Are you just copy/pasting a blanket form letter? I’ve always had better luck commenting on something specific about them, when possible. And yeah, it’s always best to chat them up a little before going straight for the date suggestion. It’s a bit more time investment, yeah, that doesn’t always pan out (doesn’t have to be a lot of time though, it depends on the woman), but it helps them feel more comfortable about meeting up with you in meatspace.

And I’ll also second/third/etc. the people saying “police station” is a terrible idea for a first date meeting place.

6

Back before I had met Pepper Mill, I tried to meet people through the Personal ads. This was incredibly unsuccessful. So I decided to try something different. I wrote my Personal Ad in the form of a cryptogram.

The first time I tried it, it didn’t even show up. The typesetter was convinced the apparent gibberish was some kind of mistake, and I had to patiently explain what I was doing. The ad ran the next week.

I got three responses. Yay! I figured someone would be intrigued, work out the solution (it wasn’t a terribly difficult cypher), and, having invested that much time, they would contact me to find out what sort of intriguing individual had posted an ad like that.

All the responders had solved the puzzle. None of them were interested in dating. But they wouldn’t mind if I sent them another cryptogram…

7

400 and those are your responses? I had great luck on match.com and per Shagnasty’s point I might suggest you change up your profile or something. I’ve seen adult women browsing match. com for men. They make a yes/no decision in about 1/20th of second based on the main photo and then if you pass that gate they may read your profile. Then you need to be interesting and seem like a good idea. Being snarky or over intellectual in your profiles is dangerous. A few women may like it, others think they don’t want the negativity. It’s a fine line.

For both men and women regardless of age looks is still front and center. You need to focus on getting the absolutely most attractive and engaging photos you can. Shots smiling and shots with friends are big. Shots doing interesting things. Pay attention to how you are dressed. They want to see your eyes. Shots with sunglasses may look super cool to you but that’s not really what they want. If you can’t deliver athleticism or good looks be interesting and handy. If you are significantly overweight you might as well just pack it up until you lose the weight, you will not get much play being obese.

8

Ditto this. You’re coming on too strong. Women want to get to know you before actually meeting. Messages, then chat, then text, then maybe Skype, and then suggest a physical meeting which does not involve a police station or an evening meal. Coffee, maybe lunch, or some fun activity out in public.

9

This suggestion by you is well-intended, no doubt, but it will actually come across as ***more ***bizarre and creepy than simply suggesting meeting at a ‘normal’ place like a cafe or restaurant.

It’s like a car salesman who goes to extreme, extreme lengths to prove honesty - it unfortunately backfires and makes the customer think something must be wrong.

Just suggest normal meeting venues - cafes, restaurants, etc.

10

Ouch. Too bad, I kinda liked the idea up to that point.

11

I met my current gal and love of my life on OKcupid. We went through six weeks of texts, phone calls, and two Skype sessions before she felt comfortable meeting me. And I must say, I’m glad I was patient and stayed the course, as I’ve never been happier. (We will be an Exclusive couple for a year in May)

12

It’s one of the creepiest things I’ve ever read in an on line dating thread. I can smell the stench of desperation all the way here in California.

13

Yeah Jim. Tone it way down. If they ask if you’re a Russian spy, answer “nyet.” Keep a little humor in it. Women can smell someone who is trying too hard and it turns them off like cheap cologne. Drop the police lobby reference. Offer to meet at a Starbucks for coffee by first asking them their favorite coffee, hot or cold, caf or decaf. Let it build before mentioning meeting at Starbucks. Asking too soon makes you look like you’re looking for your next victim.

Save things like dinner or movie offers until after you met them. Use the simple things (like Starbucks) to start with. Women like situations where they can look, but not feel trapped (like waiting for the end of the movie) before bailing out on a date they aren’t enjoying.

14

Generally if you ask someone out, it’s on you to pick a place, especially as a man dating women. The ‘lets go out, you pick a place’ looks indecisive and weak, and tends to turn people (especially women dating men) off. Offering to meet in a police station sounds really weird, and sounds more like an angry joke than a funny joke - the subtext I get is along the lines of “if you crazy bitches think I’m dangerous, this proves I’m not so you have to say yes now”.

The people I know who have success at online dating tend to exchange messages for a short time (maybe one evening, maybe a few days) then offer some kind of in-person meeting. Their rule is that if the other person doesn’t want to meet in person that quickly, then they probably never will. I don’t really use OLD so I can’t speak from personal experience, but it does seem to be common to everyone who uses OLD and is happy with the results.

15

It seems that some people prefer to not waste time meeting people until they’re convinced the other person is a good prospect based on information exchanged online, while others prefer to not waste time learning about the other person before they’ve seen what the other person is like in real life.

Not sure which approach actually minimizes time wastage and/or is the most effective, but for sure if one person uses one approach and the other person the other approach, that’s not going to work well.

16

No substantive reply, just wanted to note I found this story delightful.

17

Yep, typical cryppies.

18

Best response I ever got from a dating website? I put in a code they could solve to contact me. AND I said I was crazy. Not a good crazy like “a wild and crazy guy”. Literally crazy that involved medication.

Go figure.

Back to the OP.

Beware some women. They will pen pal you to death and you’ll die of old age before you ever meet them. Don’t get sucked into that time wasting trap.

19

Worst meet cute story ever.

20

I think some guys forget that women have more to risk meeting a stranger face to face than most men do. I’m not saying it never happens, but it is pretty rare for a woman to physically force herself on a man, but unfortunately, not so rare for a man to try that with a woman. Any woman who has had a truly negative first date from an online source is going to be twice as skittish about meeting IRL before they form a sense of who their prospective partner truly is. Indulge the ladies a bit. Spend some time letting them get to know you in a manner that is comfortable for them - be that phone calls, instant messages, whatever. If the spark is there, the extra time will do nothing but make it grow. And when you do finally meet (if you do), you’ll have a much easier time conversing, because you’ll have a history of conversation and some known topics of interest to you both.

And yeah, the police station thing, although I understand it’s well intended, is horrendously creepy. Just don’t.