Just my (ever-so-humble) opinion (oddly enough in this forum), but…friends are way more important in the long-run than girlfriends – and the best girlfriends (or boyfriends or husbands or wives) are those that start as friends.
Many people are completely at a loss when I tell them that I am still friends with most of my ex-boyfriends. It’s not because I have any interest in rekindling anything, it is simply that almost all of my exes started as friends. Sure, I have had a few messy break-ups and it took a while for the ash to settle, but once it did the friendship was as solid as it ever was. Just my personal experiences. Particularly important where “the love of one’s life” is concerned. He and I may not be able to be lovers, but we are most definitely friends. It’s really quite nice.
Find a suitable event to which you can invite her that will allow some alone time but not be necessarily romantic, such as…oh fireworks (if your city does them for July 4th) or a jazz concert (those are usually in nice, dark clubs that allow some intimacy while still being platonically noisy). If she is an outdoorsy type, take her fishing. It’s a great way to be manly-man (bait her hooks for her), while still just doing a friends activity. Oh, yeh, and all day alone and the chance of her needing you to put sunscreen on her bare shoulders…ya know, I would be a really sneaky guy if only I had outdoor plumbing insted of indoor plumbing (where’s the devil smilie?)
Hiking, bikeriding, stuff like that is always great for friend-time with possibilities. Of course, biking makes conversation a bit difficult, so keep that in mind.
Seriously, good luck, and keep us posted as to how things go.
I just (we’ve been communicating via e-mail all day) asked her if she’d like to join me for a trip to the art museum. I think that would be fun.
As far as the friends thing goes, I usually find that to be a romance killer, but not always. Even so, I can think of worse people to be friends with than The Most Wonderful Person in the World. And cute women are often friends with other cute women, so there’s that, too.
So, you’re saying that you are firmly in the “friends” zone, is that right? Too bad, dude. There is no recovery from that. Yeah, be a good friend, and date all of her friends until you find one that you like better than Ms. Almost Perfect (she isn’t Ms. Perfect for you, because if she was, she’d want you as much as you want her, so get that idea right out of your head).
Pretty good advice. But I think I’m going to keep it a little off-balance as far as “just friends” goes.
I’m in a weird place right now, but it’s a place I need to be in. I wanted her in my life, and now she’s in my life. When we do social stuff, she’ll be central to me. I won’t look at other women, and if she asks “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” (which I’m sure she won’t), I’ll honestly tell her no. I’ll meet her friends, but I won’t meet her boyfriend. It would make me very uncomfortable, and I’d tell her so. I’ll date if the opportunity comes up, but right now I have no interest in being with any one but her. If we talk about how I feel about her, I’ll tell her.
Honesty. It’s the new lying to get what you want.
Reading that over, it sounds like loser talk. It probably is. There’s probably nothing but hurt down that path, but it’s the path that I need to be on right now. I have to see this through to the bitter, bloody end.
OTOH, I’m working on ending a different friendship. A woman I once had a sexual interest in, and forged a 20+ year friendship with, is moving away. I want to spend time with her. And her husband. And her kids.
How the Hell do you find something out “through a fortune cookie”?
This is the only part of the situation I find remotely interesting, and I have no advice to offer because you’re a putative adult, so I’ll understand if you ignore the question. Good luck with your possible romance.
I don’t know about that. It could also be that L is saying “Let’s be friends”, but is also very attracted to you, too. If that’s the case, then she doesn’t plan on remaining friends for long. She may want to see how you interact socially, rather than just within the conifnes of the office flirtation. ESPECIALLY, if you work together and the romantic relationship sours, then it’ll get really uncomfortable at work. She may just be playing it safe for now.
See where it goes. If she really DOES just want to be friends, then I agree with featherlou.
We were having an office luncheon in the conference room. She opened a fortune cookie and was amused by the fortune. She showed it to a coworker who responded “Then keep your eye out for a tall handsome stranger!” The fortune said “You will get an interesting proposal today.” I wondered why a married woman would want a proposal. I looked at her hands, and found her to be sans ring.
Yeah, I know. I’ll get over it. It may take 10 years, it may take 10 minutes. I think my best move is to consider that Nutty Bunny might be onto something, and keep that option open. In the meantime, I’m very open to dating, but for now I just can’t imagine anyone else filling the same space in my head.
Thanks for clearing up the fortune cookie mystery.
For what it’s worth, I’d advise you to turn your attention elsewhere. (Though I wouldn’t be surprised if, as soon as you’ve started dating somebody outside the office, L comes on to you. People are perverse.)
You know, I am simply not a sentimental (or compassionate or caring or nurturing or empathetic…chit, I could very well be sociopathic) person, but I see from whence you are coming in this thread, tdn. I mentioned the issue in another thread. I will not be convinced that there is not one of these people for each and every person alive.
My father went to his grave still adoring my mother who was a selfish, hateful, cheating bitch to him. He would have died for her – that undying love always confused me, until I met my one. I know that I will probably never be with him in a romantic way again (I am married to a great guy I do not plan on leaving, and he is engaged), but I also know that just having him in my life and knowing he is at least content in his own life means more to me than I ever thought was possible. I really understand your situation.
No one’s going to give you a map to Elsewhere. You have to go find it on your own, once you’re finished mooning and pining over L.
I must seem very harsh to you, tdn, but I truly don’t believe in soul-mates and only one perfect love for everyone. I believe in a continuum of compatibility, and that there are hundreds if not thousands of women in the world who will suit you as well as you think L does, and I hate to see you wasting your time on someone who doesn’t reciprocate your affection for her (and seems to want to play stupid games), when you could be happy with someone else who does.
featherlou, don’t worry about being harsh. I actually believe the same things. Sometimes, though, the romantic in me shows itself, and sometimes overwhelms.
The thing is, I’ve always had a hard time meeting women. I don’t tend to hang out in places where single women would be, in fact I don’t even know what those places might be. Laundomats? Sorority keggers? Home Depot? Hence my map comment. I’ve tried the online personals thing, and that turned out to be a big ball of Stupid. I used to have moderate success with personals in the paper, but do those even exist anymore?
While there are still paper personal ads, I think the online personals have a lot of advantages. I wouldn’t give up on the online personals entirely until you’ve given a few different sites a try.
Just as dating in itself is a quest to find a good match, it sometimes takes a little time to figure out what dating site is a good match for who you are and what you want.
I also think that sometimes it is just a matter of experimenting with your profile and the sorts of pics you put on it until you find a combination that clicks with people. I have noticed a dramatic improvement in my response rate on a personal site since I put up better photos (even to the point that a couple of guys who I had had lukewarm email conversations with who had let our email conversation drop conveniently reappeared right after I put the new, better photos up!).
Good luck. There really are other fish in the sea.
I even tried a few sex sites. One in particular has been my greatest success, what with two failed contacts. (As an aside, last night I checked out who was viewing my profile, and one woman looked really familiar. I contacted her to ask her if she had ever appeared in a porn film. It would be really fun if she responds, but I know it’s her. She’s one of my favorite “actresses.”)
But I think you’re right about the photo. It really is all about looks. I started a thread a while back to have Dopers rate my OkCupid ad, and together, we honed it to a pretty decent thing. Still very few responses. The photo that Dopers liked best rated about a 3 on CasualKiss. I think I need to just take about 1000 more photos of myself and pick the best one, and revamp my profiles. It would also probably help if I lost more weight (which I’m doing well with), grew some hair, and reprogrammed my genes. A little more Brad Pitt, a little less Dr. Phil, please.
You can, of course, check out my profile on all of those sites. My user name is tdntdn on all of them.
