Interpretive Dance: Car talk with my wife

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Many of you know, or are at least familiar with, my lovely and talented wife, **Aries28. **A queen among women, and I thank the loving God every day for allowing me to be her husband.

She does have her faults, though. Such as the way she talks in the car.

I’m not referring to her occasional outbursts of pure, murderous rage when she’s behind the wheel. She has very little patience (defined as “no patience whatsoever”) with idiot drivers (defined as “everyone else on the road”), and she can be quite vocal at times about another driver’s lack of legitimate birth, his or her sexual activities, and the state of their intellect.

No, what I’m referencing here is the way she communicates when I’m driving, and she’s in the passenger seat. At those times, she transcends the mere verbal exchange of information, and launches into what can only be described as interpretive dance.

I’m not sure why our family has such varying ways of talking in the car. I wrote recently in my blog about the frustrations of trying to get the right song playing for my four-year-old son. At least with him, though, there’s almost no danger of being pounded on the forearm, because he’s strapped into a car seat and is behind me. I can’t say the same for Aries28.

Let me give you a couple of examples. Some time back, we were driving someplace at night, and she saw a small herd of deer standing near some trees by the road. She was very excited by this, so she (according to her) tapped me on the arm and said “Look at the deer over there.”

What I experienced was slightly different than her version. I was driving along sedately, when suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt my wife pounding on my forearm yelling “DEAR! DEAR!” I thought she was trying to get my attention for some reason; maybe a yellowjacket had flown into the car, or I was about to run over Bigfoot and just hadn’t noticed, or something like that. So I was yelling “WHAT?! WHAT!?”

That was her cue to hit me even harder on the arm and say even louder “DEAR!” She couldn’t understand why I was being such an idiot - the deer were RIGHT THERE. Could I not see them?

It was some time before we got that one straightened out.

More recently, we were driving out of our neighborhood, and a squirrel ran in front of the car. This isn’t an unusual occurrence; there are a lot of trees in our neighborhood, and we have a pretty sizeable squirrel population. For some reason, though, Aries28 got pretty excited about it this time. She quickly raised her fisted hands to her shoulders and said “Squirrel!” very sharply. I looked over at her and said, “What?”

She took one of her fists from her shoulder and pointed with it. “There’s a squirrel,” she said, more calmly.

I agreed that yes, a squirrel had run in front of the car, but I didn’t understand the corresponding motions. Apparently the international symbol for ‘squirrel’ is very similar to a boxer’s stance – assuming the boxer is experiencing severe muscle cramps.

I just pray we never pass a mariachi band playing “Felize Navidad” on the side of the road. Between my son and my wife, I may not survive that encounter.

2

I feel ya.

My wife sits mostly in silence but hangs on to the oh-shit handles like grim death. Then exhales an audible sigh of relief when we finally get to our destination. I know she’s fucking with me because I tend to drive too fast and this is her way of trying to get me to slow down. Sometimes she’ll quiz me when I’m driving, “So if there’s a squirrel in the road, do you brake? What about a groundhog? Or a deer?”

3

The thing my wife does when I make a questionable driving maneuver is to stretch her arms out to the dash as if to brace herself against an impending impact. I keep telling her that, in the event of an actual impact, the airbag is going to rip those pretty arms off and stuff them down her throat but she continues this behavior regardless.

4

My hubby drives me crazy with the question: “When? What time did that happen?” Firstly, you do know I was with you, how could I possibly know that? And secondly, what possible difference could it make, what time the dog threw up?

It occasionally makes me a tad stabby.

5

My dad raced motorcycles for 25 years and then, later, taught my sister and I how to drive. I call it the “Dogzilla’s Dad Wax On Wax Off Driving School Boot Camp.” It included hours and hours of driving around in circles and figure-eights backwards, using only the mirrors, and so forth.

I will not let men drive me on dates. I can’t stand it. They accelerate when they should be feathering off the gas, they turn around in their seat to back up (instead of using the mirrors), they pass on the right, tailgate people, slam on the brakes. Makes me stabby. Once, I asked a BF to drive somewhere and learned what a horrible driver he is, eyes everywhere but on the road in front of him, driving around in low gear not realizing he passed “D” on the gear shift and was somewhere around 2nd. I pitched a couple of fits until I realized if I wanted to feel safe in the car, then I’d better do the damn driving. I think that secretly, he realizes he’s a shitty driver and thankfully, does not derive his masculinity or identity from some sort of stupid “men are the best drivers” stereotype, so he was happy to let me drive everywhere and I was happy to get us both places still in one piece.

Now if someone screams and starts pounding on me while I’m driving, I will be slamming on the brakes so I don’t run over/hit/slam into whatever it is they’re going on about. Sometimes it’s a chick (a friend) who’s just being chicky and dramatic, so I’ll have to pull over and ask them to please not dramatically gasp, scream, squeal or holler while I’m driving because they scare the shit out of me and I might drive into a tree just from being startled. I doubt most husbands could get away with “Honey, I love you, but you have to settle down and trust me to drive safely or else maybe you should be driving.” I’m sure that’s grounds for divorce to some people, so I’ll just close by saying I sympathize. It’s tough to find a decent backseat driver these days.

6

The one that bugs me is when I’m dealing with heavy traffic in an unfamiliar area and my passenger gets annoyed because I’m not paying enough attention to what they’re saying. Excuse me, but I’m trying to keep us alive here.

7

My standing order/request/favor for my wife is “Never assume I know what I’m doing.” Because frankly, at least 60 percent of the time, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just pretty good at looking like I know what I’m doing. To the point that strangers regularly come up to me in department stores and the like to ask me about the merchandise.

So she’s gotten accustomed to pointing out things to me while I’m driving – such as “You need to turn left up here” or “Cop to the right” or “You just ran over the Pope.” And most of the time, it’s good that she does this, because otherwise I never would have known it.

It’s when things go awry with this system, such as the two incidents mentioned in the OP, that make things interesting. And cause me to post them on the Dope.

8

So when they come to pick you up, you’re all, “Nice car. Gimme the keys. I’m driving.” ?

Now hold on there Dana Patrick. I’m all for correct and frequent use of mirrors… but you don’t turn around to back into or out of a parking spot? :dubious:

Somebody who went to the same school of driving backed directly into me at the bank last summer. Perhaps you know her? :stuck_out_tongue:

9

“Did you park in the driveway behind my car? Would you mind moving it to the street in front of my house? It’s fine… I’ll drive. Unless you feel totally emasculated by a woman driving you around, in which case, I’ll just get in your car.”

Most guys respond to the “unless you feel emasculated” challenge by agreeing to me driving because god forbid they come off as some sort of unenlightened misogynist asshole who insists upon driving everywhere.

Actually, in parking lots where the lines are angled, I use all the mirrors and turn around and then do a sweep of each mirror again before I pull out.

ETA: And I’m sure you meant “Danica Patrick,” not Dana. :wink:
What, are you following me around the SDMB, challenging every post I make? Didn’t we have a conversation like this yesterday? Shall I email you links to the threads I post in tomorrow, maybe save you some time and effort?

10

Yeah, you got that one wrong. Turning to the right with a hand around the back of the passenger seat and looking out the rear window to back up is actually the recommended method.

My husband and I (after a dusk near-death experience) have worked out a system of pointing out things that might kill us while driving - we point AND say what we’re looking at at the same time. For example, when you see deer on the side of the highway as we’re hurtling towards them at highway speeds, you point at the deer you’re looking at that’s about to cross the highway and say, “Deer!”, since deer come in bunches sometimes, and the driver might be looking at the one on their side of the road that is nowhere near the highway and wondering why you’re getting all excited about it.

11

Don’t flatter yourself. :rolleyes:

12

Well, actually, your assertion is my dad got that one wrong. His logic was (and oh yes, I questioned this), “If you’re looking straight ahead using the mirrors, you can see if someone is coming at you from the front or sides with your peripheral vision.” I’m pretty short and cannot see around the driver’s seat headrest and find I have a better sense of what’s going on around me by glancing in all my mirrors. I will turn my head around in all directions before flooring it backwards, however. I see nothing wrong with using both, when sightlines are limited. I tend to drive really small cars and end up parked between enormous SUVs, so turning around doesn’t really add anything until the back half of my car is already out of the parking spot. I really think it depends on the situation.

13

I think my wife forgot to tell me about when she lived in Europe and worked as a brake tester for Brembo. Which is okay really, I know old habits die hard, and really after five minutes with a carpet rake I can get her floormat to quit looking quite as burnished. On the bright side, sometimes when we’re in traffic and Rush is one the radio, she’s right in sync with Neil Pert.

Our car conversations are cool too, so long as I can guess the subject when she just starts talking mid-paragraph.

14

Aries28 has mastered the art of braking from the passenger side of the car. It’s only a matter of time before she punches through the firewall and skids her feet along the ground, a la The Flintstones.

15

“Most guys” does not include my dear departed father, who drove until the week he died (at 87), and when his best female friend/surrogate daughter told him that she was uncomfortable with his driving and could they please take her car, accused her of trying to emasculate him, and then cut her out of his life.

He was kind of a pill sometimes.
Roddy

16

My husband has no license. He did, some 20 years ago. He got his learner’s, passed the test and never drove again. He also had a motorcycle, which he drove for a year (again, more than 20 years ago), and when he was hit he never got back on it. He’s been on foot and taking public transport ever since.

But because he had his license at some point in the distant past, he has taken it as his job - nay, his right - to tell me how to drive every single time we are in the car together.

I have joked we should just record the ensuing argument on mp3 so we can replay it, rather than go to the trouble of having it again.

But argh! Dude, you don’t drive! Stop tellng me how! Argh! I’m doing just fine, honestly, I haven’t had an accident in (knock wood) about 12 years, and that dude rear ended me! ARGH! Stop it!

17

No, Dana is Danica’s illegitimate half-sister; she had her license supsended for repeated moving violations.

18

I concur that turning your head is the way to go, and what most driving instructors teach. Only exception of course is a truck with a trailer or cab so that the rearview mirror is useless. Plus, probably at least 95% of people have their mirrors incorrectly adjusted - not far out enough, so that blind spots exist between the three mirrors. If this guy was such a bad driver, would you really trust him not to turn his head, and assume that he was one of the few to not have the side of the car showing in the side mirrors?

19

Why am I fascinated with this thread when I’m :

A: not married and,

B: Haven’t driven since May (due to disability) ?

20

I routinely co-pilot for my husband, which he wants me to do. In local traffic, he figures having two sets of eyes and two brains processing what the idiots around us are doing is probably a good thing.