I have always wanted to invent a new team sport, to be the Abner Doubleday* of my time. The only problem is I’m not that creative a guy, and I don’t want my new sport (which I foresee having several professional leagues in the not-so-distant future, making me, the commissioner, a multi-billionaire with hefty clout in international politics) to be boring. That’s where you come in, dopers.
The game is played on a grass field. It involves two teams and a ball. Everything else, the size and shape of the field, size and shape of the ball, size and shape of the teams, is up to the Dope. Creative bylaws are a plus, as are rules that will only be used in extremely obscure instances.
Be sure to label your rules as “Rule 1:” etc., with any modifications or clarifications to a previous rule as “Rule 1.a:” etc.
I reserve the right to exploit the hell out of the end product, with the goals I mentioned above. I also reserve the right to reject any rules I deem to be detrimental to the sport (in other words, don’t present enough opportunity for serious injury).
Rule 3. The playing area shall be 80 metres in length and 50 metres in width. The playing area shall be divided, with indelible lines that are easily seen, into the following divisions:
a) a Center Line in the center of the field,
b) two Zone Lines, each 30 metres from the end of the field.
Rule 4. At each end of the playing area there shall be a Goal Board, which shall measure six feet in height and ten feet in width. The Goal Board shall be
a) perpendicular to the playing area, centered in and flush to the end of the playing area,
b) coloured or patterned in such a manner as to make it visually distinctive from its background, and
c) constructed in such a manner that any contact with the Kill Ball shall be electronically noted.
Rule 4. The object of the game shall be to score more goals than the opposing team.
Rule 5. A goal shall be scored by causing the Kill Ball to strike the Goal Board.
a) A player may cause the Kill Ball to strike to Goal Board in manner to score a valid goal, except in any manner involving holding the Kill Ball with his hand.
Rule 6. If a player not holding his pugil stick is struck by the kill ball on any part of his body , the player must add escalating additional weights to his backplate.
6a - The weights shall escalate according to the following pattern: .25 lb, .5 lb, 1 lb, 2 lb, 4 lb, 8 lb, 16 lb, etc.
6b - If a player scores a goal, the two weights most recently added will be removed.
6c - If a player is substituted for, the substitute will take on the weights of the original player.
Since Bryan Ekers got that in first, the Dow Jones thing will be the official rule on the size of RickJay’s Goal Board. What is the formula for determining how the Dow Jones inversely affects the size of the goal board?
Each percentage point the Dow is down compared to seven days prior increases the goal board by ten square feet, from a base value of sixty square feet. If the Dow is up, the board shrinks by a similar amount. Maximum variation is twenty to 100 square feet.
My new sport is shotput hurling. Granted, I don’t really know much about the sport of hurling except that it’s kind of like field hockey but you can high stick the ball.
[ol]
[li]The ball is a standard 16 pound shot.[/li]
[li]The hurley , or camán is a 16 pound sledgehammer.[/li]
[li]The field is 70 feet square.[/li]
[li]The winner of the coin toss “kicks off”. Kicking off is putting the shot by the goalie towards the opposition goal, just like a shotput.[/li]
[li]This sport is like rugby, it’s a man’s sport. So no padding or helmets allowed.[/li]
[li]All other rules are the same as hurling, I guess. I’ll let some Irish doper help me fill in the details.[/li][/ol]
The Kill Ball shall be a sphere of seven inches in diameter made of hard Super Ball material.
Rule 9.
Players shall wear only the following protective equipment:
i) Boxing-style helmets,
ii) Mouth guards, and
iii) Protective cups.
9(a) Any player who enters the playing area wearing any other protective equipment shall be dismissed from the match.
Rule 10.
A player shall at all times be permitted to strike an opposing player with the padded areas of his pugil stick, except in the following circumstances:
i) When, in the assessment of the umpire, the player being struck is unconscious or in need of emergency medical attention.
Rule 11. (Allowable Zones)
The players shall be restricted to playing in the following areas:
i) The Fowards shall remain in the zone between the opposing team’s goal and the Zone Line nearest the opposing team’s goal.
ii) The Backwards shall remain in the zone between their own goal and the Zone Line nearest the opposing team’s goal.
iii) The Strikers shall remain in the zone between the opposing team’s goal and the zone line nearest their own goal line.
iv) The Strikees shall remain in the zone between their own goal and the zone line nearest the opponent’s goal.
v) The Double Propback may play in any area.
Rule 11 (a)
No player shall leave his designated zone of play. A player who deliberately leaves his designated zone to make a play shall be assessed a penalty. A player who, by virtue of momentum or being struck by another player, leaves his designated zone of play shall not be assessed a penalty, provided he returns to his designated zone as soon as possible and does not, while outside his designated zone, make contact with the Kill Ball or with an opposing player.
i) Any player may deliberately touch an opposing player who has moved outside his designated zone in order to cause a penalty to be called.
I don’t know why, but the thought of beating an already unconscious man further with a padded pugil stick is hilarious to me. I probably wouldn’t laugh so hard if it was actually happening.
12a) The regulation time of gameplay shall consist of 6 12-minute periods called “sixths”.
12b) The clock shall continue to count down to 0 from the moment the Kill Ball is touched by a player.
12c) Should a player be injured or incapacitated during gameplay, the clock shall continue to count down until noticeable and excessive blood loss from said player occurs.
12c.1)Only the Umpire, Umpirette, Side Judge, Backside Judge, or Vin Diesel are able to stop the countdown.
12b) Overtime
12b.1) Overtime shall occur either in the event both teams are tied at the end of regulation or if both coaches have engaged in a fistfight.
12b.2) Overtime shall consist of one 12-minute sixth.
12b.2) As stated in Rule 7, all players are required to ride horses and the Kill Ball shall be set on fire for the duration of overtime.
12b.4) The overtime period and the game shall end when one team scores, unless a penalty is called by the Officiating Staff. This rule will most likely be changed later since it’s a crap rule in the National Football League, anyway.
I can’t wait until someone makes up the rules on penalties.
Penalties! I find making penalties simple is best:
Penalties
When a penalty is called, a referee will assign a player a certain number of ‘penalty minutes’. The player may continue to remain on the field during this time, but will remove his protective helmet and surrender his pugil stick during this time in order to identify his penalized state. During this period of time, rule 10.i is suspended in regard to the penalized player. At the conclusion of the penalty period time, the player may retrieve his pugil stick and protective headgear.
