i love to creatively blaspheme, too. i saw some “holy god” stuff posted above- mine goes something like: “mother, mary, son of a whore on a hot frying pan,” “dead guy on a stick,” “jesus in crisco,” and other such randomizations.
I was all set to post “cum dumpster,” but Amazon Floozy Goddess beat me to it. So I’ll have to mention Jesus Fuck-a-monkey instead. A lawyer I knew used that one day and I’ve been in love with it ever since. Creative cursing is an artform, and well-executed blasphemy is some of the best! I’ve also been known to throw around “Jesus McFuck” and such, but that’s not all that entertaining. My friend Nancy occasionally uses “Balls!” as an exclamation. It works.
With a side of FUCK!!
After experiencing TourettesGuy.com, I occasionally find myself letting loose with a cathartic “AAAAASSS!!”
Your post reminded me of a friend of mine that has a knack for some very colorful metaphors. Among them that I can remember are:
- “A 24 carat, gold plated, wall-mounted, self-actuating, pull start dickhead”
- “He’s so far back in the closet he’s finding Christmas”
- “Sawed off puppy fucker”
- “Jesus H. Christ on a tricycle from Wal-Mart”
- “Beligerant little ass goblin”
- (More of an insult than a creative metaphore) “I’m sure that whatever’s wrong with you has a long, Latin sounding name.”
My wife has a great one that she uses frequently:
“That person needs to get his feces congruent.”
This womps!
- TJ from Recess
From The Onion: Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket!
I have no idea what it means, but it makes me laugh.
Especially for use on SDMB: Jesus H. Christ with an Olestra penis!
From my grandfather I gleaned the conversation halting “God’s Cock” in the place of the usual “bullshit”.
Oh, and I like “Protard”, indicating that the party in question has made the jump from amature retard to the big leagues.
I’m also a big fan of “Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick” thanks to the Dead Milkmen.
However when I’m at work (where swearing is biiiig time frowned upon) and I can’t suffice with a “fuck” muttered facing the ol cube wall, under my breath, I opt for “God Bless America”, which as hokey as it may seem, can really carry some vitriol and venom with proper motivation.
Holy crap. I love that one. I must find an occasion to use it. 
I just remembered another one from the short-lived HBO series based on the band Tenacious D. Jack Black and Kyle Gass are on a road trip when the car runs out of gas in the middle of nowhere. J.B. punches the sun shade and screams, “SHIT ON A BRICK!!!”
Let’s not forget Cervaise’s justly famous God’s Throbbing Prostate:
I agree that it would also make a great band name.
To ad to my earlier post, I’m very partial to the phrase “Poop-in-a-bucket!”
Last night I dropped my spoon during dinner. “Damn!” While picking it up (butterfingers) I dropped it again. “Double-damn!” I do this whenever things go wrong consecutively. My roommate was much amused. I think I’ve gotten as far as a triple-damn, but I’ve never attempted a quadruple-damn.
Former US Poet Laureate wrote a poem about kindergarten swear words:
http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/Billy-Collins/794
Funny!
That should be “…Laureate Billy Collins wrote…”
I’m a “motherfucker” type of girl myself. Lately, it’s been getting shortened to just “motherfuck!” “Jesus H. Christ” is another oft-spewed phrase.
For non-swearing situations, I’m a big fan of, “Oh, for crying in the night!” I also enjoy, “Jesus, Joseph and Mary!”
Steve Purcell’s comic book series, Sam & Max: Freelance Police, uses similar expressions – “Sweet Mother of God in a flaming canoe” comes to mind.
I cracked up when my cousin dropped the salt shaker for the second time in a row and said “Go, little salt shaker, fly away and be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”.
Oh yes, ‘sawed off puppy fucker’ is lovely. I think I’ll add it to my usual ‘mother-squicking goat-felcher’. That way they’ll know for sure they’ve been insulted yet I’ll still have time to run away before they learn just how much.
Before I started hanging around here, I just said ‘crust!’ when I cursed. The SDMB is great. I improved my cursing for the low, low price of $14.95.
I don’t think you can go past “goat-felching son of a one-eyed whore”. Not my creation, somewhere on the web. The Brunching Shuttlecocks, perhaps?
I’m also partial to “Jesus-kabillion”, as in “a whole lot of ___”, which I ripped off from the Onion. Turns out I’m just a plagiarist.
Gaw-lee, for the 2nd time in a night I get to post the word “pizzle-shiss.”
Note: I spelled it wrong in the original thread, that is I spelled both the acronym and the pronunciation wrong. And me a proofreader! Pizzle-shish!
Oh, man. I really like bean-eating bitch. I’ll be using that.
From a game of Trivial Pursuit the other night:
“Guess you spineless pussy!”
“Fucktard!”
We take that game seriously.
I also love ‘bollocks’ even though I don’t know what it means.
A friend and I thought of the phrase “cock snot”. It just sounds so delightfully dirty without actually being so!
Also, my dad’s best friend is notorious for making up random expletives. My favorite is “shit hook”.
I like to say “Jesus christ on a cracker!” It’s funny and offensive!