I am the terror that stalks the smoke filled halls, he who stands before you with garlic in my left hand and Chinese red pepper paste in my right. My steal shinning brightly, waiting patiently for the next opportunity to carve the guts out of…ANYTHING!
Amazed friends and relatives describe some of my other worldly concoctions with words of praise like: Very…interesting flavor. :eek:
Others eager to know my secrets ask: What the hell did you put into this?
Oh, and the rumor of food posioning was totally unfounded.
You’ve got another volunteer. Let’s get DANGEROUS!
She was raised on the flat farmlands of Mississippi, the flames of her love for the culinary arts stoked by her grandmothers. Using old-style Southern cooking techniques, she hopes to reign supreme in a battle against the finest in the world here at Kitchen Message Board Stadium. Will her inexperience stand in her way… or will it bring exciting new flavor to the jaded palates of the judges? Can her youthful exuberance come through the in the dishes prepared in the vast on-line desert? Will her current state of gestation lead her to new and exciting combinations, or will it destroy her, leaving her kneeling at Iron Chef’s feet begging for mercy? We shall see!
I challenge the Iron Chef! Scylla Kaga will choose the chef for me, as there are so many that I cannot keep up with them. I await the battle.
<dons Le Cordon Bleu jacket, kerchief, and toque; pictured with soft lighting and dramatic music>
If memory serves me right…
Starting her culinary career at the surprisingly late age of 28, she comes as a candidate for graduation from the highly esteemed Le Cordon Bleu Program at California School of Culinary Arts located in Pasadena, California. A mostly self-taught cook, she studied the California-Mediterranean cuisines of Alice Waters and Mark Peel. Her sweet-tooth has spawned famous dessert creations that range from the simple to the sublime.
I would, of course, challenge Iron Chef Zenster to battle.
::billowing cloud of smoke::
[sup](something’s burning on the grill)[/sup]
::chime of an ancient bell::
[sup](and that’s the smoke detector…)[/sup]
Zenster enters the Iron Kitchen stadium in a silk curtained palanquin shouldered by saffron robed acolytes. Lithe Balinese dancers strew lotus petals in the path of the procession. As a teakwood chest filled with exotic spices and Damascene blades is placed at Zenster’s station, a golden censer is lit with a flame carried thousands of miles by relay runners from an eternal fire shrine hidden in the mountain valleys of Tibet.
Zenster turns and bows to the honorable panel members and other Iron Chefs. He solemnly intones;
“Time to open up a can of whup@ss!”
We have all these Iron Chefs and Challenger and such, but, who is going to do all the dubbed voices? With all these chefs we will need a vertible army of translators!
I’d love to be a challenger – I would show up in an obnoxious bandana that says something to the effect of “Yummy Flavor” or something equally silly. I’ll even write my own bio:
If memory serves me right there is a young chef in the southern United States who specializes in conjuring the flavors of hot and spicy items. He began his career in his mother’s kitchen at the tender age of 6 but quickly progressed beyond his mentor’s skills and graduated to the kitchen of his grandmother, and great grandmother. His interest in cooking solidified while working at his parent’s restaurant equipment supply company. After a period of apprenticeship he moved outdoors to begin learning the subtle flavoring techniques, honing his skill smoking and grilling. From there he began to create new and exciting dishes such as cherry-wood smoked ribs, and Dutch oven duck. After a move to the Dallas, Texas food Mecca of Greenville Avenue, he broadened his horizons to encompass Mongolian, Thai, Greek, French, Italian, American, and Mexican flavors. Currently Chef Opengrave is working in the kitchen next to his living room in the southern U.S. What spicy, mouthwatering flavors will Chef Opengrave bring to the Straight Dope Kitchen Stadium today? Let’s find out!
Oh yeah, and for effect I’ll create my own faction with an axe to grind against an Iron Chef, maybe I’ll recruit some guys from an auto parts store or something.
::shakes his head sadly at the lack of respect in todays’ Kitchen Stadium. He has issued commands to his SousChefArmy to ritually disembowel anyone found standing on their cutting board. The special, handmade, quenched in the blood of its’ makers’ knife is waiting for the transgressor::
::canned, indeed!::
Only the freshest, dew picked, and lightly killed whupass will do for him. He eschews glucose coating for an elaborate box made of fantastically large mica like crystals of sugar hinged with edible gold adorned with cloissone of perfect violet blossoms!
BTW, if Chairman Scylla doesn’t want me as Iron Chef Cajun/Creole, can I reapply as a challenger too? Here’s my bio:
*If memory serves me right, one particular chef has done more to satisfy the hunger of the dopers of north Texas than any other. His culinary journey began early, with an attempt to make coffee for his parents at age six. While not successful, this first step was nevertheless instructive, as it taught him not to leave a coffeepot on a burner to boil dry. He moved on to making scrambled eggs with cheese and garlic, an original recipe that earned him the first of many accolades: his brother’s remark, "That’s good $#!t, maynard."
Honing his culinary sorcery throughout his college years, he progressed from grilled cheese-and-salami sandwiches to elaborate casseroles. Post-graduate life brought the self-publication of a cookbook and a brief stint as a caterer. His penchant for the finest ingredients and his spendthrift approach to portion control doomed his efforts as a caterer to failure but make him the perfect choice to battle in Kitchen Stadium. His mastery of the cuisine of his neighbor state of Louisiana, and that cuisine’s well-known tendency to consider anything alive to be good eating, will stand him in good stead in the battle ahead.
Does this challenger have what it takes to crown himself with glory? Will his thick fingers weave a beautiful tapestry of harmonious flavors, or a discordant mishmash of clashing ingredients? Let’s find out!
Here at Kitchen Stadium, we turn no one away in the quest for culinary greatness. Let us some up:
Panelists:
Tazma
Goose
Kaga
Mampotomas
Wicked Blue
Otah: SNenc (incomparably achieved, my hat is off)
Iron Chefs:
Iron Chef Chinese - The Ferociously Confident MikeG
Iron Chef American - The Inscrutable Zenster
Iron Chef Italian - Fenris
Iron Chef Barbecue - Whammo
Iron Chef French - Ankh_Too (I am unclear as to whether you wish to be a Iron Chef or contestant)
Iron Chef Cajun - Chef Troy
Iron Chef Bachelor- Inky
Iron Chef Italian II - Palimpsest
Sous Chef - Shiva (I guess you’ll have to share, since we only have one sous-chef)
Contestants:
Sn-man
ellykat
javamaven1
Opengrave
Conscientious objector to animal cruelty/PETA inspector:
Stoidela
::Intently studies pastry, then suddenly hurls it into mouth. Chews with furious concentration. Smirks Cheesily::
Ah, so many Iron Chefs! What a glorious moment! It’s easy to claim the name but your mettle is about to be tested. I am now inspecting my secret ingredients. Excuse me a second,
[aside]You! Otah! These Peruvian Groundhog loins are unacceptable. You call that tender! Throw them out, they will not do![/aside]
Sorry my friends, but I accept only the best for my Chefs.
Working with the above list I will now match Iron Chefs against contestants with appropriate secret ingredients. The remaining Iron Chefs will be matched against each other.
MikeG appropriately, “does not recognize this ‘sniglet’”
For as any good apprentice, Sniglet’s been quiet and far from underfoot. (note Registration date and number of posts)
But I might interject: With so many willing and (obviously) able Iron Chefs (Chefoix?) That each person submit a single recipe that most accurately reflects the secret ingredient?(alas, not Toad-in-the-hole) And that the winner of the contest, will receive great and glorious acclaim in Kitchen Stadium, and the losers, with a great gnashing of teeth, be relegated to dishwashing duty.
(BTW, Squidheads have been known to clog the dispose-all, be careful)
::Brushes imaginary dust from gold sequined dust::
I received a letter today from a good friend of mine who runs a culinary school in California. He spoke very highly of a student of his by the name of Javamaven1. “He is a true artist with mango slices and kiwi,” he writes. “Long have I been insulted by the neoclassical stylings and indexing of Iron Chef American, Zenster. I wish to return California cuisine back to its true heritage. In order to do this I have sent out my student Javamaven1 with orders to defeat Iron Chef Zenster at all costs. That is, if you will accept the challenge…”
::raises eyebrow dramatically::
Of course we will accept!
Now let me bring forth the secret ingredient!
::Huge bowl descends, amidst clouds from dry ice. With a flourish, the purple sash is removed.
ellykat, a most gracious contestant has allowed us to select an Iron Chef for her. I summon, Iron Chef Chinese, MikeG!
MikeG has vowed to anhiliate the competiton, and let me say that we have spared no expense with this next ingredient. Imported from British Ontario, we have provided Giant Live Halibut
(you will probably have to gaff them before you take them out of the tank.)
Hmmm. Sniglet has made a fine and worthy suggestion, despite his earlier faux-pas.
Sn-man has expressed supreme confidence in his abilities.
Perhaps the remaining chefs Iron Chef Italian II Palimpset, Iron Chef Bachelor Pinky, Iron Chef Barbecue Whammo, Iron Chef French Ankh_Too, and Iron Chef Italian Fenris would agree to a heat battle.
The three highest scores here will be declared the winners.
Then, if interest remains, we can move on to a 2nd round to determine the Iron Chef Supreme!
For this ingredient, we will need something subtle and highly versatile.
These fine specimens were raised with great care, and force fed the finest Sake, milk and grains. They range in size from 10-50 pounds and are suitable for a wide variety of culinary techniques.
