Irresponsible friend now pregnant

Well, great. The friend I started the “Friend asking for money” thread about (and one I also mentioned in the “Dipshit” thread) is now pregnant.

Long before she got pregnant, I’d been trying to distance myself from her, not answering her calls (caller ID is very useful for that), not making plans with her, pretty much avoiding her. Truthfully, she’s probably on the mental/emotional level of a 12-14yro. I’m serious about that–she was a drug baby and has a certain amount of brain damage as a result. (She is also deaf) Most maddeningly, she does not takeresponsibility for her actions, tends to blame other people, and is entirely reliant on family for support. She asks everyone else for money for a phone bill she hasn’t paid in 5 months, then goes out and maxes out her credit card buying furniture.

Now she’s pregnant and planning on aborting. I am not interested in starting a debate, but I am not a fan of abortion, certainly not in these circumstances. Her situation is very complicated, and the baby would honestly have very little chance with her–and adoption is inconceivable to her. All I told her when she confided in me was that she consider what would be best for the child. She doesn’t want to think of it as a child, she said. It makes me very sad, but there’s little to nothing I can do.

Anyway, now I’m in a bit of a quandary. I still want to terminate/distance myself from the friendship, but now she’ll think it’s because she’s had/is having an abortion and that is not at all my reason. She’s pathetic to be around, and I cannot handle being friends with someone I pity. She has an enormous chip on her shoulder, blames others for her mistakes, expects others to take care of her, etc.

I don’t know what to do. I know she’s probably pretty scared and needing support, but I don’t know what I can do. (BTW, I wouldn’t have answered her call when she informed me of her situation, but I was expecting my mother to call and when it rang, I didn’t check caller ID.) And fwiw, she’s called me 8 times in the last 36 hours (I haven’t been home for most of them, and I haven’t answered the others.)

What are your thoughts? (I am not interested in an abortion debate–I’m in MPSIMS, not GD–and that’s really not the point of my question anyway.)


I used to think the world was against me. Now I know better. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Laura’s Stuff and Things

My opinion, since you asked:

(1) Regardless of personal positions on the subject, I can think of only a FEW cases (like rape) where abortion would be more justifiable than with this one.

(2) You can either support her decision or play your own anti-abortion ideals into the equation under the guise of impartial observer. You can’t have it both ways.

(3) Unless you plan on being a foster mother (think about it - She bugs you now when you try and distance yourself, what will happen when she has a kid and really NEEDS help?), you should hope that however she chooses - abortion or adoption - that she does not keep this kid.

I know all of the above may seem very callous, but facts is facts…


Yer pal,
Satan

Geez, I’m glad you’re not my friend!

The overall impression I got from your post is that when the going gets tough, you like to ditch your friends. When they disagree with you or tell you how they really feel, you start preaching and getting sentimental and righteous. Then you repeatedly trash them on the internet.

You would do this woman a favor by ending your “friendship”. I was under the impression that one actually cares about someone they refer to as a friend.

Melanie, you’re the one who said you want to distance yourself from this “friend.” Why are you jumping all over Satan? If you want to end it, end it. Do you think that, if you suffer enough for this person, she’ll “see the light” and straighten up? And, if you do end the relationship, why do you care what this friend thinks is the cause? Why do you care what other people think?

OK Guy. Now go drink another coffee and read the entire thread AGAIN !

Coldfire


“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)

Laura, if you weren’t happy being her friend before, then don’t change your mind now, regardless of the quandry your friend is in. Its easy to fall for sad stories, I’ve done it myself before, and in the long run it changes nothing. If it becomes an issue, sit her irresponsible ass down and tell her why you aren’t her friend anymore. What other people think isn’t the issue here, they don’t have to live your life.

And if you let this friendship die down, she is going to think it is for some horrible reason, no matter what you do. She certainly isn’t going to say “gee, being an emotional leech has cost me another friend.” Instead, it will be your fault or somebody else’s fault, just like everything else. You can’t prevent that.

Laura, three bits of advice:

  1. First, take care of yourself. If your mental stability requires distancing yourself, do so. If it doesn’t, she needs a friend at this point (but see below). However, you can’t do jack if you are messed up by the relationship, so that has top priority.

  2. What she needs right now is some tough love. Exactly what and how, I need to leave up to you (and our contingent of lay advisers). But just “being there for her” is not going to be enough. With the assortment of problems she has, she needs a professional to intervene and provide some guidance and care. And AFAIK you are not equipped to handle that.

  3. I’m generally very opposed to abortion (while being pro choice; it’s not my body that’s going to have to carry that child). But I think I agree with Satan. This is one of those cases where it may well be justifiable. I cannot imagine her raising a baby that “she doesn’t want to think of it as a child.” Why is adoption inconceivable?

Whatever you decide, be at peace with your decision. It’s a tough situation, and only you know what you can do and not do vis-a-vis her life and problems. Do try to get her involved with someone that can intervene usefully and help get her straightened out, though, whatever you decide.

Laura:

Man, I know this is a tough one. Your heart is saying one thing and your head another.

I had an uncle die from drug and alcohol abuse, partially because my grandparents didn’t know how to say “No” to him. They kept giving him money and listening to his excuses.

Some people think that a “true friend” is someone who will stick by you through thick and thin, no matter what. I disagree. Sometimes the best thing for a person is to have all the support ripped out from underneath… so that they can see that the problem is with THEM. Some people have to hit bottom before they realize that the problem is one that only they can solve.

Laura, stay strong. In spirit, I’m with you.


Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, dogs are from Pluto. - Anonymous

I can see this is a contentious issue so I’ll keep my advice short and sweet. LauraRae, from your perspective I think your best bet is to limit your contact - show her you support her, discuss adoption options, but not let yourself get dragged into it. Neither of you will gain from letting her grow dependent on you.
I don’t think adoption is the only option here, but it’s the option I think you should talk to her about. There are many very responsible, very sterile couples who would love your friend’s baby; if she chooses adoption, she won’t be giving her baby to just anybody.


Nothing I write about any person or group should be applied to a larger group.

  • Boris Badenov

Some clarification, particularly for Satan and Melanie. I AM NOT ENDING THIS FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE SHE MAY HAVE AN ABORTION. I would never do that. Period. I certainly did NOT preach at her–in fact, she thanked me for listening and not “Telling me I’m going to hell, or that I’m not spiritual if I do this.” Those are her words. I told her I had concern for the child–and that’s it. And that was honest.

Her possibly having an abortion isn’t precisely the issue, here–my concern is that she will make it the issue. I believe I am being confused with the more stringent right-wing antiabortionists–more was read into my OP than was there.

Why have I distanced myself? Because the “going got tough” and I’m a “fair weather friend”? No. Because (1) she depends on her friends and family for money (she doesn’t now and has never paid rent–and she is behind on the utility bills she’s responsible for. Meanwhile, she maxes out her credit card buying expensive furniture and appliances); (2) she blames other people for her mistakes; (3) when she isn’t hired–or is fired–because she’s late, or isn’t needed at the time (subbing), or is argumentative with coworkers, she claims it’s discrimination against her deafness–and yells at the administration about it; (4) her car broke down–a car her grandfather bought her–because it ran out of oil, she drove on it, and her engine blew. (I also have seen her turn the ignition key while the engine was running–and she could feel the vibrations of it–four times in one setting, grinding gears.) She is now literally yelling at her grandfather to buy her a new car, or ELSE. (Else what is beyond me.) (5) She was dating someone who was well-off financially and openly told me–and him–that she was using him for money; (6) She has the attitude that the entire world is plotting against her, and reacts accordingly. There’s plenty more, of course. More than I care to describe here.

These are the reasons that led to my decision–nearly four months ago, long before she was pregnant–to back off of this friendship. I have a horrible helpless feeling in this friendship–she seems so completely, well, clueless to the world, and ultimately it’s sad.

I find abortion a sad choice, but I have to confess–five years ago, it was this very friend that made me think abortion may in some cases be best–even when it’s not a matter of life or death or rape. This friend of mine has had an absolutely hellish life that simply never gave her a chance. I’m no fan of Skinnerian behaviorism, but she was made into the freak she is. I hate to think she may be better off never existing, but sometimes…

…and that is where I am today, thinking about this child. She won’t adopt because I know her–the baby would be HERS and she would never let someone else have it (and she has confirmed this). She’ll either keep it or abort it, and left to those two…I have to alarmingly agree with her as far as the best decision. How disturbing is that to me?

Thank you for the kind advice. I agree with Polycarp–tough love is in order, and that I should sit her down and explain, as a friend, why it is difficult for me to be around her (again, completely independent of her considering abortion–although she may not understand that). I care about her, and I care about the friendship–and if I’m to be a friend to her, I need to be honest. I dread that–because I just don’t think she’ll “get it” and her fury is something to behold–but I’m starting to believe it may be the best choice.

Sigh We’ll see.


I used to think the world was against me. Now I know better. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Laura’s Stuff and Things