I have a friend. I won’t tell you too many details on him suffice to say that he is overweight, he was born in America but lives in a foreign country for the last decade, and he is turning 40. He is very depressed, and has been for the past year. He believes because he is fat and “old” he’ll never have anyone and will ‘die alone’. He’s objectively not a bad looking guy, or (when not depressed) a bad guy, but he is full of self loathing. I’ve told him that he is still young enough to get married if he really wanted it, and that it’s not the weight, so much as it is his negative attitude that is stopping him. Am I wrong?
Also, what other advice would you suggest I give him? He’s basically like Eeyore most of the time. He has a great deal of hatred and resentment toward women as well for not wanting him, and I’ve told him that too isn’t helping him.
Not in the slightest. I have a hard time thinking someone would actually believe that. He’s just using it as an excuse to stay depressed and not engage.
I have a 65 year old coworker that just got married.
I’m going to guess that his depression is yet another manifestation of whatever issue is keeping him from dealing with his weight issue. Apparently he thought if he just ignored/ accepted it, then it would go away/not matter. Unfortunately that’s not how undealt with issues work.
Seems like he might be on a precipice, and can see himself about to fall down the rabbit hole. The anger towards women for not wanting him is one sign certainly. If he doesn’t start addressing whatever started this ball rolling, and very soon too, he will be so consumed by such resentments that there will be no chance of turning that train off the tracks. From there on it’s, sorry to be blunt, all end game.
Perhaps you could point out to him that the Gods rarely offer one a moments pause on the precipice. Most saps are down the rabbit hole, and beyond all hope, before they get their head out of their asses and recognize what’s coming for them. Of course, it’s too late by then, usually all the damage is done already; they’re hopeless addict/alcoholics, have spent they’re $, are entwined with truly horrible people, etc, etc.
A lot depends on how high he’s setting his sights.
As a friend of mine once said, “for every Jack, there’s a Jill”. So for every overweight 40 year old guy there’s a woman of comparable age and appearance, possibly even more than one. But if he’s setting his sights on a much younger supermodel type, then he’s right, and if he doesn’t lose that attitude he might well die alone.
I feel like your thread title/question doesn’t accurately reflect the situation. The question “is 40 too old to get married?” is pretty objectively wrong, just given how often you see people over the age of 40 getting married.
But to answer the situation posed in the OP – then it gets more complicated. First of all, if he is 40 and has not had any luck with relationships his entire life, then I would say his age is at least relevant here. I would not say it’s causing his loneliness; however, if he has gone 40 years without a relationship then I think it’s a little hard to say that he’s just hit a bad patch and needs to get out of a funk. There are some long-lasting issues here if he has not been able to get into a relationship by now. (If he HAS been in long-term romantic relationships, and just isn’t right now, then everything I just said is irrelevant.)
The other thing: How shall I put this? If a man looks unkempt, that’s a warning sign to me. You said he’s overweight, but if he’s also depressed, then I envision a man who doesn’t shower regularly, wears ill-fitting clothes that are stained and wrinkled, doesn’t regularly shave or cut his hair or trim his fingernails, stuff like that. If this is the case, then it’s very likely that his physical appearance is a warning sign as to his mental state, and it’s keeping people away.
I will just add my disclaimer once more that the OP provided limited information, and I acknowledge that if I were given more details of the situation I may decide that my remarks were irrelevant or off the mark.
Personality counts for a lot and most people aren’t attracted to a doom-and-gloom Eeyore. If he feels good about himself then others will more likely find that attractive. So if he starts accentuating the positive and having some fun, his chances will increase greatly.
Nope. There are plenty of fat old people who have access to romantic companionship. A friend of mine is over 50, overweight, and just got married a few months ago.
Ralphie May is morbidly obese, and he got married at 35; he divorced ten years later, but so do lots of skinny young people, and his beat the average length.
He needs to read Six Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person, and ask himself what he thinks he brings to the table. If he wants romantic companionship, he may need to embark on a deliberate program of self-improvement: learn some things about hygiene and dress, and/or pick up some hobbies or pastimes (that he enjoys) that make him more interesting to potential romantic partners.
On the on hand, he feels he is fat and old, and therefore unattractive. OTOH, he blames women for not wanting his fat, old, and self-described unattractive ass. Tell him to stop this double-standard shit immediately.
No, 40 isn’t too old to marry, but it sounds like your friend has other stuff to deal with first. Getting married won’t solve anything. He needs to feel better about himself before he should even consider getting involved with someone. Happiness comes from within, it’s no one else’s job to make someone happy.
How dare they not want him! When will they see that as a serious flaw in themselves? What is wrong with these women? :rolleyes:
Seriously now, this poisonous attitude is his biggest problem, and will likely screw up the rest of his life (whether or not he can find a partner) if he doesn’t actively do something to rectify it. It isn’t merely not helping him, it’s actively sabotaging him. I’d suggest he see a qualified counselor or therapist.
The depression is the issue that is keeping him from dealing with his weight. I know, I’ve had the same problem in my life, multiple times. There’s a vicious cycle, where depression makes you gain weight, and gaining weight makes you depressed.
The only way to snap out of it is to deliberately snap yourself out of it. In addition to seeking medical help and counseling (or in lieu of, though that’s not ideal), I suggest walks. Everyday, walk at least a half an hour. It’s easy, it doesn’t take much time, you don’t have to change clothes, it gets you outdoors, into the sun, active, etc. It’s the perfect way to kick start a virtuous cycle that will result in losing some weight, feeling better about yourself and life in general, becoming more active, focusing on setting and achieving goals, personal pride, etc. Then you get happier, and things start snowballing uphill, so to speak, rather than downhill like they were.
Once he gives the slightest shit about himself and other people, and starts moving in the right direction regarding his weight and mental health, there are a lot of women out there who would find him attractive and admirable. I’ve found that self esteem and the esteem of others often depends far more on the direction one is headed in life rather than the absolute position one currently occupies.
And of course 40 isn’t too old to get married. That’s silly, and he knows it’s silly. So is resentment towards strange women who don’t simply jump into his couch willy-nilly. That’s just the depression talking. And it’s absolutely possible to fight depression and win.
Would he want to marry a fat, old, self-loathing, man-hating, depressed woman?
If you’re young and hot, you can get away with depressed and self-loathing. If you’re fat and old you’re going to have to knock that shit off.
His problem is that he’s self-loathing, because he accurately realizes that nobody would want to be with a man like him. But it all stems from depression in the first place. He can’t exercise because he’s depressed, he sits around all day and puts on the pounds, which makes the depression worse, which makes him feel even more worthless.
If he could get some exercise that would improve his health and his weight, his improved physical health would improve his mental health, and demonstrating to himself that he’s not helpless would improve his morale.
If he can’t commit himself to an hour of moderate exercise every other day, then he needs to stop complaining about how he’s never going to get a girl, because he’s refusing to take even the first step.
Not saying getting a bit in shape is going to get him a relationship, and he’ll still be old and washed up, but at least he’ll be in shape and not quite as miserable as he used to be.
He has depression and self hate. Chronic depression. He became obese - I don’t know when because in his youth he was slim - because he is a binge eater. He lives in a country where medication and psychiatric treatment isn’t really prescribed, nor are diet pills or appetite suppressants. He’s claimed the (weak) Benzo pills he was given at a point didn’t work anyway. Those are his main issues - the weight, depression, and binge eating. At one point he had lost 50 lbs or so only to binge eat back up beyond the point he was originally at.
That’s pretty much what I’ve told him. He has a very, very defeatist attitude. “I’m fucked” he says often. Also, he doesn’t believe in God anyway. He is the most cynical person I’ve ever met in general.
Here is a conversation we had, verbatim:
Him: our town had our summer festival the other day. i saw thousands of cute girls, dressed in traditional japanese clothes. i’ll never get one. i’m too old. i’ll be alone for the rest of my life. this realization is so fucking depressing. i just want to OD on pills or something.
Me: with that attitude you will be, but you’ll never listen.
Him: i’m fucked.
Me: only if you believe you are
Him:i believe i am. therefore, i am.
Me: so stop believing it.
Him: i’m too smart to lie to myself
The suicide talk is something he’s done before, and I don’t believe he would actually go through with it. He’s very self loathing, very self hating but as he himself has said, he is like wired against actually committing suicide. He is the most jaded person I know. He thinks ALL women are ALL alike deep down, and that they’re all superficial and all they care about is how a guy looks and that a fat guy like him could never get a pretty girl. He thinks any woman over 35 is worthless, because they’d be “losers nobody else wanted” and even when I tried to explain to him that women his age who are single might just be in the same boat as him, he doesn’t believe it. He thinks women are different from men to the extent that things don’t bother them as much. Like I said in my OP, he has a big chip on his shoulder against women which has only grown as he’s been more and more alone.
