I think Mark Twain might have said something like this and I’ve spent the last decade or so wondering about it. Last night when I was on the pot (of course) I finally answered this question in favor of defecation. My reasoning is as follows and proceeds from the fact that both enterprises produce pleasurable sensations:
When taking a crap, you generally (if your digestive system is functioning correctly) produce a result with five minutes. When having sex, it takes an average (if everyone’s reproductive system is operating) of NINE MONTHS to produce a result. And when the product arrives, you have to spend an average of 18 YEARS providing food, shelter, money, Backstreet Boys CD’s, etc. etc. until the product finally leaves. A fecal companion leaves whenever you want it to simply by pushing a small lever. Clearly from a time-benefit standpoint, taking a dump is a much more efficient pastime.
Squeezing a loaf does not require a great deal of concentration; you simply will the process to begin and your bowels take care of the rest. This is why defecating tends to lend itself to deep thoughts. Who knows how many of history’s great ideas, including this very post, were conceived on the toilet? Perhaps this is why there has been such an explosion in creative thinking in the last century compared to the previous 50,000 years of human evolution: our ancestors didn’t have indoor plumbing and didn’t utilize their pottery skills to produce porcelain thrones.
Sex, on the other hand, precludes any sort of brainstorming activity. First, from the male perspective, once your member is erect, all higher brain functions essentially cease (I think it has something to do with the blood supply to the brain but, for obvious reasons, I can never observe myself objectively when I’m having sex). Secondly… Well, there was a second part to this but when I started thinking about sex I got, well, you know…
Fecal matter can be used to mark your territory. A baby, due to the fact that it is independently mobile, cannot. In addition, you can effectively mark a 10 ft. square area with four piles of noxious, stinking waste within a week. To do the same with babies requires not only another person but also requires over 3 YEARS (9 months X 4= 36 months) to complete and by the time you’re finished the first two babies will not, technically speaking, be babies any more. This raises the interesting possibility that it is probably impossible to use babies as property markers which severly limits their utility.
You can throw fecal matter at people who are annoying you. No really–monkey’s do it all the time and I mean ALL the time. Throwing babies at people that annoy you is a much more difficult proposition. First, shit is much more aerodynamic than a baby and therefore has a much greater range. Secondly, the average baby weight is what, 5 pounds or so (that’s just a wild guess). Now if your fecal companion is five pounds there’s definitely something wrong with you! Shit weighs less which also lends itself to increasing the range it can be hurled. Also, as mentioned in #1, it takes much less time to produce a fecal companion than a baby, allowing you to vent your rage in a much more timely manner.
Producing a fecal companion requires much less set-up than a baby. Producing a baby requires (at the very least) dinner, candles, movies like ‘Steel Magnolias’, booze (lots of that), a bed, etc. etc. A fecal companion requires only a meal within the last 24 hours (quality unimportant) and a toilet. That’s it. It’s also much cheaper to produce and maintain a fecal companion.
So, that proves to my satisfaction that producing feces is the most underappreciated and sex the most over-rated bodily function. I think I have finally resolved this ancient problem and humbly submit my logic to the rigorous peer-review of my fellow 'Dopers.
I love taking a dump. It’s so cleansing and fun. I can kick back, strain my bowls a bit, and THBBBBBT!! splash I’ve just created another fatherjohn. Then I can crap out the remaining shit that usually lingers behind the first log, taking my sweet time about it, reading a book (appropriately, Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader most of the time).
With sex… well, let’s just say it’s more difficult for me to get laid. In fact, too difficult. Maybe if I didn’t describe my love of defecation, I’d get some action…
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by tracer *
**To keep this somewhat in the context of Great Debates and not let it degenerate into a complete gigglefest, I offer up the psychiatric notions of:
[li]Anal eroticism, and[/li][li]The anal character type. **[/li][/QUOTE]
Well, I honestly wasn’t sure where else it belonged. It’s too important for MPSIMS (for ex., why is every beer commercial using sex to sell it’s product rather than pictures of guys swigging brew and shitting in the woods? This over-valuation of sex permeates our entire society); it’s not really a flame b/c I’m not upset so the Pit is out; it’s not really a question b/c I already (I think) know the answer so GQ is out; this is the only forum in which this burning question really belongs. In fact, if I may be so bold, I think that it’s entirely possible that GD was created to answer just this question. And you, tracer, were put on this earth to bring anal eroticism and anal retentiveness into this thread, which I’m glad you did. Anal eroticism has nothing to do with a good dump, IMHO and in fact would distract you from the ‘Deep Thoughts’ you’re supposed to be having while producing a fecal companion. And God agrees with me b/c He/She/It has made it impossible to shit when you’ve got a boner (unless you want to rupture something). Don’t believe me? Try it; I can guaran-freakin’-tee you that it won’t work.
Anal retentiveness also has nothing to do with producing a fecal companion. In fact, it’s sort of a perversion of the whole process and proves to me that Freud is actually Satan (same number of letters in their name: I rest my case). I mean, why would somebody want to stop the natural process of taking a dump? It’s just not right: it’d be analogous to stopping a baby about half-way out of the birth canal and walking around with it dangling for a few days (I think I just grossed myself out…). Anyway, I think you’d agree that the negative context in which both of these terms tend to be used do little to show shitting in a positive light.
I am so right with this that I’m starting to scare myself…
TOO LATE. No I don’t, actually. I consider it an abuse of a fecal companion (we don’t use babies when we have sex–they’re just the end result–so why abuse our shit?). It’s wrong, damn you, wrong!
Well, if tracer was put on this earth to bring anal eroticism and anal retentiveness into the debate, I’ve gotta say this:
Though not usually as prolonged as the defecatory experience, urination is at least as gratifying, if for no other reason than that the need is generally so much more pressing. In fact, the only time the defecatory need reaches the insurmountable urgency of the urinary need is when one has diarrhea, in which case defecation is not that much fun at all.
Which leads me to my next point: In all but the most blessed situations, defecation requires more cleanup than urination. If you’re in it for the luxury reading time, that’s not so bad, but if you’re in the woods it can be an annoyance.
Also because of the cleanup factor, it costs money every time you take a shit. But, at least if you’re a man (and especially if you follow the if-it’s-yellow-let-it-mellow method), pissing is free (and in my apartment, they pay for the water, so there ya go).
I also must point out that while only a true eccentric would construct a fecal companion, any man (or woman with a funnel) can enjoy the simple pleasure of writing letters or tracing circles in the snow or on a wall.
It should also be noted that peeing with an erection is also impossible, as with poop.
Society’s stigma against public urination is not nearly as strong as with public defecation, I admit, so perhaps one could make a case that defecation is still less appreciated. But deservedly so, I say. Piss has more going for it.
I do not agree with this statement. Babies are a much more effective reppelant than feces. I mean, put one baby in your house, pinch it with a needle and no neighbour or relative will even think of coming near your house. No amount of shit can compete with babies in this way. Ofcourse, you will have the problem that police or other legal bodies might want to check in on the noise, but I think you will find the same problem with a pile of dung in your back yard.
So, while it is true that fecal matter is quick to produce, the initial time to create a baby is quickly overcome by its effectiveness. And a baby will last much longer. Human waste will lose its effectiveness after two or three days in the sun. A baby will last at least 15 years!
You know, you’re absolutely right! Peeing is not only more time effective and cheaper than pooping, but you can also use it to mark territory (in fact, many animals do so). It would also be possible to pee on those who are angering you, thus showing them the utter contempt which they so richy (I presume) deserve. How could I have missed this?
But I think you’ll agree that it doesn’t lend itself to ‘deep thoughts’ as it’s over with almost too quickly.
Definitely worth considering though…on the pot!.
That’s right, puke. I think regurgitation is the least appreciated of our boldily functions. I mean, in the right circumstances it can save your life, while when perfromed improperly it can kill you. Life or death. peopl, you can’t get much more vital than that.
But do we exalt vomit, do we recognize it as the mysterious and powerful agent of fate that it is? No. I mean, sure Monte Python can make a chocalte sweet out of it, and lord knows our public schools do their best to encourage regurgitation, but the message just isn’t getting through. It just makes me sick.
Spiritus: Very good point! There is something a bit mystical about puke, too—a bit of a “spiritual journey.”
For unlike defecation and urination, vomiting is in itself an incredibly unpleasant act to participate in. The gratification comes not in the act but in the immediate post-vomit head rush and feeling of “I can’t believe I puked the whole thing.” It is a “natural high” of sorts, and one that comes only after you’ve paid your dues by retching. Certainly there is some deep meaning to be gained there.
Good news as far as society’s acceptance of puke, though: I hear the upcoming Harry Potter Jelly Bellies will include “vomit” flavor. For those of you who just can’t get enough at home.
