The added details, glarGH give more credence to idea that he is depressed, perhaps severely. The cause of the depression is still unclear, but from my experience, living in the closet is depressing.
Two. Ask my girlfriend if you don’t believe me:)
Oh, and 3 (my friend Chris).
Oh, and glarGH, a bisexual man is no more likely to leave you than a heterosexual man. If you find someone you fit well with, it doesn’t matter what parts they have:)
But from the looks of this thread, y’all don’t look like you really fit that well.
And as I think Euty said in another thread, it’s far better to be alone and miserable than in a relationship for the purpose of not being single. From what you’ve said it appears that’s part of why you’re still with him. IMO (and it ain’t worth much) not where it’s at:(
You all have to admit though that: 19 years old + says he’s bisexual + in first sexual relationship + but apparently not interested in having sex with the young woman he is living with certainly lends itself to the conclusion that he is more gay and less bi than he originally thought or said. Not that that is the answer, but it does fit.
I wonder how many closet cases who came out later in life, especially after marriage, have claimed to be bisexual when they first starting coming to terms with being gay. It does seem to be, for some, a transitional phase.
::raises hand:: I did it.
He won’t let you leave?? How? Does he prevent you physically, or verbally? Either way, that’s a huge fucking sign that says “THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SICK BAD WRONG. GET OUT.”
You still worry about him? Fine, worry about him from somewhere else.
Seriously, lack of sex seems to be your smallest problem here…
The longer you stay in this relationship, the more difficult it will be to leave.
Yeah, I’m with everyone who’s in the “why are you still with this guy anyhow?” camp.
Not being single is never a good enough reason to be in a relationship. Never.
I know that there are some genuine bisexuals out there, but I also know that plenty of gay men identify themselves that way because they are still in some partial denial. A bisexual self-identification, in conjunction with a lack of sexual interest in his female partner should set off warning bells.
““bisexual,” for a man = homo. They just don’t want to admit it.”
“I know that there are some genuine bisexuals out there, but…”
Should have stopped at “but” and just gone ahead, sucked it up, and apologized for blatantly lying and being a schmuck on the first page.
“I also know that plenty of gay men identify themselves that way because they are still in some partial denial.”
As you undoubtedly know better than I do - since I’d imagine you spend a lot more time in GD than I - “the things I’ve seen in my wanderings” does not = “TRUTH”. You’ve seen guys who said “bi” when they meant “gay.” Doesn’t mean that’s all of them, which was STATED, not IMPLIED, in the first quoted sentence.
However, with this:
“A bisexual self-identification, in conjunction with a lack of sexual interest in his female partner should set off warning bells.”
…I kind of have to agree, especially considering the youth of the parties involved. “All bi people aren’t like that!” I know, I am one, cry me a river. Not everyone is a fully actualized fully socialized self-aware human being by the age of 40, let alone 22 (or what-have-you) - I don’t think it can be assumed that this guy has already cast all of his options in stone.
And I still think that the more time that goes by, with glarGH already aware that she doesn’t even know if she wants to BE with this guy…the more responsible she becomes for her own unhappiness. Had loads of sympathy at the beginning of the thread. Having seen some of her replies, I have somewhat less now…and if after all of this ANOTHER thread comes up about how bad her relationship is, it’ll dissolve completely.
(Not assuming this’ll happen…just going on previously observed unrelated message board patterns.)
Now you’ve given more information, glarGH - I gotta say, LEAVE HIM.
It’s not just the sex part of your relationship that doesn’t work. You resent him, he resents you, and you’re only together sort of “by default”. You would be better off single. A lot better off. Leave him, and like jarbaby says, if he won’t “let” you leave, call the fucking police. If you really DID want to stay (and you’ve given no evidence that you do, and plenty of evidence that you don’t) then you and he would need to do one hell of a lot of work to change the way you relate to each other. Carrying on as you are is not an option. Your choices are between fuckloads of couples counselling (after which you may still decide that you’re better off apart) or leaving now.
Take some damn responsibility for yourself. Get off your ass and get out of your bad situation.
You may find reading this LJ community useful. If you have a LiveJournal you can join it. It is for people who suffers from a diminished libido or people who have an SO who suffers from it.
Yikes. Add my voice to the “break up immediately” crowd.
important points:
- You can find someone who is a much better match for you than this guy.
- Every day you stay with this guy is a day you’re not having hot sex with someone you really like.
- There’s nothing wrong with deciding not to be in a relationship with someone, if you’re just not compatible. You’re not a bad person.
- You know you’re going to break up eventually – the longer you put it off, the harder and worse it gets.
- Being single is much better than being in a relationship like this one, even if you’re not dating anyone else. Trust me on this.
Don’t put it off. Break up with him immediately. If he refuses to leave, you have to call the police. No one can refuse a break-up. Make a clean break, and don’t cave in, no matter what he says or promises. No amount of temporary effort and good wishes can overcome the incompatibility you describe, in my opinion.
Now, we don’t have a lot of information, and frankly, GlarGH’s last post sounded like she was maybe a little tipsy when she wrote it (choppy sentences, typos where were not typos before, &c.). And I hate to rush to judgment. BUT:
GlarGH, I gotta agree that “we just ended up together” is no way to go about finding a stable, satisfying relationship. I know you didn’t start this thread hoping to have the entire relationship brought into question, but please, don’t make the huge mistake I made. I spent most of my 20s in a relationship that “just sorta happened,” and I wish to hell I hadn’t. My 20s! My *only *20s! You don’t want to have the breakup conversation I had at age 27:
Me: “How long have you wanted to break up and not said anything?”
Her: “About three years.”
Don’t waste your years; you won’t get them back.
And, as posted above, if he physically won’t let you leave, call the police. Period. End of story. You have the right to leave.
Not everyone who is depressed is clinically depressed.
Having put on serious weight, he could be very self-concious, and not see himself as appealing, and no amount of cajoling is likely to make him feel better. If it is a case of self-image, best case scenario is that he attempts to wrestle the problem himself. In addition to improving self-image through better toning and weight-loss, exercise generally increases libido.
Also, especially at such a young age, there is something to be said for repetition and familiarity, and it’s not necessarily good. If that’s the case, he’s under a dual-edged sword; he’s tired of the same thing (Deep Purple: “It’s not the kill, it’s the thrill of the chase”), but he doesn’t think he’ll find anything new now. If that’s the case, time to make tracks.
[reaching into behind and pulling out statistics]Talking about it is next to useless. For every man who will willingly admit these sorts of things, there’s 20 who won’t. Many will internally admit their shortcomings, but few will tell even their closest companions their weaknesses[/reaching]