Could you live with maybe 1 friend only? No spouses, no contact with family or neighbors etc?
I’ve heard people say that it can impede on your ability to get a job. But as long as you can socialize with people in society and have a degree. Does it really matter?
Depends on the person really. I lost my core group of friends do to me taking up the “Hermit” lifestyle. Mostly prompted by depression.
Now I’m getting better and wish to re engage with humanity. Problem is, I’m finding it very difficult to make new friends at 45yo.
Ironically, I was able to find a GF, but still, no friends to speak of.
I definitely have strong hermit tendencies and I’ll tell you this: a lot of people will consider it a red flag.
I don’t think it’ll prevent you from being hired, especially if you can socialize (I do) but you’ll definitely get some weird looks when people discover that you like to be alone and don’t really seek company. But again, if you are competent, polite and provide relevant answers when people speak to you, you should get be able to get a job.
It makes it harder to get help when you need it. And someday you will need it, even if it’s something as mundane as moving a heavy piece of furniture.
There is nothing inherently wrong with it. I plan on getting a tiny house in the woods to get away to now and again, but cutting yourself off from humanity does come with some detriments. If you value companionship to any degree I recommend just getting away from time to time, even if it’s extended (save up your PTO and rent a cabin for three weeks.)
Potential mates and employers may, as previously mentioned, see it as a red flag but I think they are too quick to judge. Some people think and feel better alone. I used to think I was one of these until I started to re-evaluate what I wanted in life.
Define “bad”. From whose perspective is “bad” defined? By whose criteria are different elements of life weighted?
I’d say it is not the ideal state, but it is a valid state, as nobody lives the ideal state. How you go about it, and perhaps why one prefers and chooses it, or even it chooses the person, could be a insightful journey.
Is it bad to waste a life because a person is too anxious, depressed, or possibly just lazy to lead a full life? I think so.
There’s a lot more to life than just yourself. If you feel like you’re beginning to become a hermit, seek counselling before you realize you’ve spent years alone, missing all of the experiences companionship can bring.
Most of the really amazing life experiences I’ve had were with the input, urging, or through the connections of, another person.
It could drive you mad.
Paging Cabin_Fever
Same here, for the most part, except in my case it was a BF that became my whole social life and now that we’re apart I find myself pretty much isolated. I would love to know how middle aged people go about obtaining a new circle of friends.
This seems to be a variation on the discussion of introverts versus extroverts.
I think if you’re an introvert, then some level of isolation may be normal for you, even necessary for you to function.
Being a Computer Science prof, I ran into all sorts of people on the low sociability scale.
And I do mean low sociability. Not just loners, but people who can’t reasonably interact with others on non-technical matters.
While it didn’t bother me, etc., it limits how far real loners can go in their career. They can get quite good jobs, etc., but the chances of making it to a top level position are low. If you’re happy being a $100k a year systems analyst rather than a $150k or more a year manager, then what’s the diff?
To me, the main concern would be how to deal with issues that arise in ones personal life. If you are very sick, require surgery, etc., who might help them? All the myriads of things that don’t go right and require a second person for assistance.
(I know the OP mentioned 1 friend. But that’s practically a social gadfly compared to some people I knew.)
I’m an Urban Hermit.
No job, on disability for mental health issues.
Mom died almost 2 years ago.
Brother & I don’t talk.
Never close to my dad, haven’t heard from him in a few years.
Only one friend left, my ex, who has stood by me despite me being a Class 1 jerk.
Being around people takes energy I don’t have. Not enough spoons.
I’m depressing to be around and poor. No one whats to be around someone like me.
Sure, I’m lonely sometimes, but I can deal with that better than having more people disappointed in me.
Probably not what you were looking for.
It depends on what you want to get out of life.
If you are highly ambitious and want to maximize your status in society, you don’t want to be a hermit. If you want to have a “normal” life and blend in with everyone, you also don’t want to be hermit.
Being a hermit has its downsides, but pretty much everything has downsides. So I’d say that no, it is not bad to be a hermit.
However, if I were in the position to advise someone, I encourage them to strive for the middle ground. I consider myself a functional hermit. I don’t have close friends or a SO and have no desire to acquire them. My after-work hours and weekends are typically spent in comfortable solitude. However, I do keep in contact with people enough that I feel like someone cares about me. If I were to fall ill, I know a couple of people who would drop off some chicken soup, at the very least. And I try to extend a helping hand towards others when I can so that it isn’t too weird when I ask for help. I also really like having a steady income, which means I jump through the social hoops at work to the degree that I feel comfortable. A modicum of social activity is important for survival. But you don’t have to be a socialite to have a good rewarding life.
Really? No desire? Have you always felt this way?
Yes.
Most of mine never involved another person, at all (including yet another close encounter today with yes a member of the avian order). Meanwhile other people (including most women I’ve tried to date) have almost always proved to be a hindrance to my pursuit of happiness (with some notable exceptions here and there, a few of which have been family members). In fact being free of their BS is what allowed me to transcend and obliterate my anxiety and depression (and laziness too).
Honestly, that is hard for me to understand. I mean, in many ways I consider myself basically a hermit. For various reasons, I just don’t really enjoy interacting with most people. I’ve lived alone for almost my entire adult life and the people I considered friends have all disappeared into the pursuits of life.
That being said, I still want, need, certain intimate interpersonal bonds. You don’t ever get lonely? Don’t you ever yearn for the company of someone who accepts you, loves you, for exactly the person you are? Ever?
No, I don’t ever get lonely. I do routinely feel alienated, though. I do want to belong and “fit in” with the crowd and not be a social weirdo. Sometimes I really wish I could talk about what me and my “hubby” did over the weekend, like all the other women my age seem to do. But no, I don’t get lonely. Loneliness is one of those emotions I can’t really relate to.
Acceptance is important, but I care more about acceptance from a group (family, coworkers) than specific individuals. Love is something I don’t ever really think about, to be honest. I don’t think I’m completely unlovable. It’s just I don’t desire it enough to want to do the “dance”. For me, at least in my imagination, the downsides to love outweigh the benefits. I really like being independent and being free to be whomever I want to be at any moment. I don’t think I’d be able to enjoy either of these things if I were in a relationship. That is unacceptable to me.