Is it bad to be successful?

In My Humble Opinion
1

You know as I look back at my life…it seems I had a lot more people “caring” about me when I was more of a lower achiever. In my earlier twenties, I was overweight, unconfident, and fairly depressed. So much of that has changed. Now I’m fit, confident, and happy a good solid 95% of the time. But I find people I used to know well…I don’t think they are always comfortable around me now that I’ve become a different person. Sometimes I think they want to treat me like I was before, and be able to talk down to me or to try and give me “advice”. Sometimes though I sense they wish they could do the same for themselves (I mean this generally in the category of fitness…cause that is a struggle for many). But it’s a different vibe I get now than before.

I don’t know, maybe it gets a bit lonelier as you get better at life. I don’t know what to do about that. I mean I can’t see myself giving up my new life habits. Way better than being depressed like I used to be. I just met a musician friend of mine last night I hadn’t seen in awhile. He was ribbing me a bit about getting up early to workout…was wondering why I was tired at 10:00pm. I mean isn’t exercise supposed to give you energy? Yet he’s 100 pounds overweight. I’d rather be addicted to exercise than say alcohol or smoking. I try to be humble, but not so humble that I don’t say celebrate an accomplishment like running a half-marathon. It’s too big just to keep it to myself. Sharing helps me stay accountable. But maybe some don’t like that.

The people I admire the most are the ones who go for big goals and get them, while being a good decent person. I just wonder sometimes at how people perceive the changes I have made for myself in the past 5 years. And why some have checked out on me.
2

Define “successful” first. Is a millionaire lawyer a success after he makes his first million? What if one day he just sells everything to a local charity and goes and lives in Tibet for the rest of his life becoming one with the cosmos (or his navel)?

3

If the definition of being successful is being obscenely and pompously rich on the backs of decent hard-workers, then yes, it might border on being uncalledfor.

4

I think for the purpose of the OP, the “type” of success doesn’t really matter. In the OP’s example he (she?) mentions improved health and fitness, but it could just as easily apply to career, education, wealth, family or any other common metrics of “success”.

There are a couple of reasons for the phenomenon the OP describes:

One is the “pot of crabs” effect. That is to say, groups of people often tend to want to keep members of that group at the same level. Like a bunch of crabs trying to escape a pot. Instead of working together, the pull each other down. In practical terms, if your friends are fat and overweight, they probably feel more comfortable with you as a fat person than training for Ironman Triathlons and Spartan races.
Related to that is the “You think you’re better than me?” effect. Once you do achieve success, your old friends probably don’t want you lording your six pack abs or Porsche 911 Turbo over them. Even if you don’t mean to be doing it.
Success takes time away from other things and people. Whether it’s getting up at 5am to work out for 2 hours, working 100 hours a week at a law firm, studying 8 hours a day or taking night classes, training for the Navy SEALs, quitting drinking or throwing massive parties once a month to develop your social network, success takes a lot of work. 10,000 hours according to Malcom Gladwell. And that’s 10,000 hours not hanging out with a bunch of people who are just sitting around not being successful.

Different lifestyles. A few years back at a high school reunion, I casually mentioned to a friend that my wife and I were going to Paris. She seemed a bit shocked and asked if we made that much money that we could just up and go to Paris for a week. I played it off that we had been saving up for a trip for awhile, but the fact is we do make enough money that we generally don’t have to consider how we are going to pay for things like vacations, fancy dinners, etc. Normally not an issue as we tend to hang out with other New York bankers, consultants, lawyers and whatnot. But we might be mindful inviting a schoolteacher friend to Del Frisco’s to dine on steak and $20 martinis.

“Imposter syndrome”. Often people who achieve success feel like they don’t deserve it or that the old “loser” version is the “real” them. Like they are really that fat 20 year old instead of a Marathon runner or a poor hick from Wisconson and not a successful hedge fund manager. Particularly if that success requires they adopt a new lifestyle or different friends who they aren’t completely comfortable with.

Is success “bad”? Generally no, not as a matter of principle. However often times people see you in a certain way and have trouble of letting go of that image of you. Or you may have trouble letting go of the people who are unsupportive or hindering your success. Success often means change and that can be difficult to adjust to.

5

Let me hold a mirror up to you and ask a question.

If you are a winner, are your friends losers? If they aren’t successful like you say you are, does it color your treatment of them? Because if you think any less of them because of what you believe you have become, they’ll pick up on that in a heartbeat. And no one wants to be around someone who looks down on them.

In other words: it’s not bad to be successful. It’s bad to be arrogant about being successful.

Maybe this scenario is not relevant, in which case feel free to disregard.

6

I think these are really good points. My wife and I consider ourselves successful, tho not wildly so. I’m a career federal employee, she’s worked part-time. So we’re comfortable, but not IMO rich. We live in a middle class suburb. We drive the cars we want to (neither over $30k). Our 3 kids are out of college, out of the house, employed, and independent. We lead reasonably frugal and healthy lifestyles.

But you know, our lives aren’t perfect. And at times we’ve sensed that friends and/or neighbors have acted as though our concerns aren’t as significant as other folks’ - in part because we are relatively comfortable. Presumably, that makes us better able to deal with adversity/unpleasantness. Which, I suppose, it does.

Sure, we benefitted from decent genes and family values, but we also put in a lot of consistent effort, and avoided expenditures, to get to and maintain our present situation. At times we get the impression that fuck-ups get more sympathy for problems they could have (in large part) prevented, then we do for our misfortunes.

Of course it isn’t bad to be successful. And my minor “problems” sure are preferable to many others’. But just don’t be surprised if folk act as tho, since you’ve had some educational/financial/whatever success, you concerns are less valid than theirs.

7

I don’t know. There are so many variables that could explain why friends might change how they interact with someone. I mean, sure. Maybe they feel awkward or resentful now that you have stuff that they don’t have. But it could also be that you were more chill back in the day. Plenty of successful people still manage to be chill when they are around their friends.

Frankly, and I admit this could just be me being a derp, I don’t know why you’d expect people to treat you the same as you were when you were in your 20s. It sounds like you were a different person back then and that you really were more “needy”. Perhaps your friends have always been kind of crappy, but you’re only just now realizing it because you’re older and more emotionally independent.

As far as “checking out” of a friendship goes, this happens to everyone. It’s called outgrowing a relationship. I don’t keep in touch when the friends I had in my early and mid 20s. My neglect has nothing to do with them having more or less success than I do, but rather stems from the fact that I don’t feel a compelling need to keep a relationshp going with someone I don’t see on a regular basis. Seeing their “highlight reels” on Facebook, but not seeing their face or hearing their voice on a regular basis, would probably serve to only remind me how little I have in common with them.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with setting goals for yourself and sharing your accomplishments with others. But I do think there’s something to be said for knowing your audience. Some audiences are into gushing over vacation pictures, half-marathon pictures, wedding pictures, etc., while other audiences find such highlight reels eye-rolly and would rather have a relationship built on deeper experiences, including shared misery. I don’t think there’s a “right” or a “wrong” here. Your style simply differs from your friends’.

8

I have a lot of experience being unsuccessful - and I’d say 100% of the time if you have group of relatively unsuccessful people, they’ll do this. And they’ll do even worse to people slightly beneath them.

Find new friends.

9

They say that money corrupts you, but I can’t really tell. I’ve got the whole world at my feet,and I think it’s pretty swell.

10

Hey y’all, sorry for the delayed reply. Last two days of school teaching and I got sick. Summer holidays is here now and I’m back alive again.

My definition of success is really just being solidly happy. 95%ish of the time I’m working in a job I like, or doing activities I like. I’m a teacher so no Red Ferrari for me, just a little reliable Honda Fit that allows me to travel anywhere i want. I live in a two bedroom condo but in a great area of town. I’m healthy with all my fitness hobbies, and am fortunate to be able to perform and teach music as a side job / hobby. I don’t have six pack abs, but I do have a well toned physique. I’m setting goals for myself and achieving them. I also am generous in my job in how I help kids, and try to volunteer and donate to causes when I am able to. So I try and be well rounded and responsible as a person.

It’s just tough to see that I still often feel alone with my pursuits and desires. I keep wondering if I want some more genuine relationships, is there something I can do? I’m excited to begin my Yoga training in the fall, and I only mention that as it might be a bit of an emotional exploration as well. There might be some answers there.

11

Pity is a powerful social force that can really animate some relationships. Get a dog.

12

No. And like **Crap **says, get a dog. Dogs fucking kick ass! I would recommend a Dachshund. Kick-assyest of all the kick-assers.

13

It sounds to me like you do look down on your friends, and they are picking up on it. TBH, nothing is more annoying than a formerly fat person who feels the need to evangelize, especially the ones who seem to believe all fitness struggles are created equal and try to push their friends into having the same priorities. That may or may not be you, but it kind of sounds like maybe it is.

It also sounds like you’ve outgrown these people, and it’s time for you to connect socially with people who are in the same boat as you, relatively successful and happy. That way you don’t come off so much as bragging but you can share in your successes together. Outgrowing friendships is a common and a real thing, and nothing to worry too much about. Just find people more like you.

As for your general question, there are many people in my husband’s family who are wildly financially successful, including at least one billionaire, and I wouldn’t trade places with them in eight million years. They are miserable fucking people devoid of a single genuine relationship, they are morally bankrupt, they are bereft of meaning. All I feel when I am in their presence is pity, and I think they sort of hate me for being happy with so (relatively) little. My husband and I are visibly madly in love after 14 years together, and I imagine it’s terribly hard to witness a genuine loving relationship at every family function, year after year. Certainly some of the wives have tried to destroy others’ happy marriages before, out of spite. When the grandparents die, there is going to be a complete clusterfuck of greed-induced drama, and we have already decided we want no part of it.

That doesn’t mean you can’t be wealthy and genuinely happy and good to others.** Sr. Weasel**'s Dad is a good example of doing it right, although he does have blind spots as a result of his privilege. He respects that we don’t want a lot of the standard trappings of success, like we are happy in our enormous double-wide manufactured home, and do not need to live in a fancy neighborhood. He respects it but he can’t help but push the narrative unconsciously. There’s always talk about how my husband could make more money as a psychologist. Our income bracket is solidly upper middle class, though you wouldn’t guess because we live in a manufactured home and drive economy cars (yay Honda Fit!) According to FIL, who runs the place we live, our income is three times the average of people living in our community. There’s not really a need for more money. We still have obstacles and choices to make, and financial frustrations (we have a lot of student loan debt holding us back) but what we make is insane relative to how I grew up, and how we struggled in grad school, you know, enough is enough. TBH I kind of like the challenge. It’s not like we’re living hand to mouth, so why should we have it too easy?

We are also more financially well-off than many of our friends, so it’s not like we discuss the challenges of squeezing in both a personal trainer and a housekeeper in front of the guy working two jobs to support his family. Nobody who is struggling financially wants to hear that shit. I know because I’ve been there, and not too long ago.

Success is not inherently bad. The problem is when you start defining yourself by it, or when you assume others should be able to achieve all the things you can, or when you assume everyone else must deep down even want the same things. To some extent we earn success and to some extent it’s the luck of the draw. And we always define it differently depending on who we are. Stay humble.

14

Y’know, from a disinterested observer’s perspective, your story does sound like smug gloating. And I can probably understand why your previous friends are giving you a wide berth.

15

It only sounds like gloating IMHO if Quasimodal’s criteria for “success” seem unusually high and out of reach.

I don’t think that finding a job you are happy with or getting in shape is particularly smug gloating. To me, smug gloating is something like “Just got my bonus! Can’t wait to take these six pack abs to the Hamptons in the new 911 Carrera! #livinglarge” (anyone who uses hash tags unironically in their social media posts is a dick).

I think after any major lifestyle change, you often need to step back and evaluate what you actually got out of it and what your friends got out of it. Why would the OP’s friends feel more comfortable with him as a “miserable fat loser”? Was it a relatiohip mostly based on a shared camaraderie of being “miserable fat losers” together?

Of course they are spiteful. You and your husband are in love while I would imagine that most of these wives, if they didn’t start out with their husbands before they made their money, are no more than accessories. Miserable trophy wives or de facto “arranged marriages” who must constantly play a role for their husband in order to maintain the style that they’ve become accustomed to. With nothing to look forward to besides being discarded when they are too old and living out the remainder of their sad lonely lives off their share of the divorce settlement.

16

You nailed it exactly. Before I got into this family, I didn’t truly believe this happened, not deep down. You know, you hear the stereotypes about rich people, and obviously not all rich people adhere to them, but trophy wives are a real thing, and it saddens me. At this point the men are on marriage #3 and these girls are half their age. The wives leave us younger generations alone but they are vindictive as hell to each other.

Actually, one of the new ones is engaged and obviously in love with the biggest wifebeating cheating coke-addled douchebag of them all. I feel so bad for her, because she clearly thinks he hangs the moon, and that’s going to be one hell of a rude awakening.

I know it’s easy to be snarky and dismissive, but I genuinely feel for most of these people. As fucked up as my childhood was, I think I would do worse growing up in that sort of environment.

17

I’d contend that Quasimodal’s criteria are in fact high and out of reach for the vast majority of people.

He’s got a job he actually likes and is contented with his life in general.

He has wheels to get him around, and RELIABLE wheels at that.

He is most fortunate to have secure and safe housing.

He is damned lucky enough to be healthy with no ongoing medical issues.

His personal life circumstances are such that he is in a position to reach out to others rather than being swallowed by his own dilemmas.

So yes, I’d propose that the OP is indeed in a great position seemingly contented with his life, and if it were me, I’d happily consider that as being successful! This is not a bad thing at all, but instead of stealth-gloating and asking, ‘Why is everyone jealous of me?’ perhaps a wee bit of humility and accepting that he got lucky (with some hard work no doubt) but lucky all the same.

TL/DR Having a job you love, transport, a safe and secure roof over your head, good health and the time and energy to help others means you are indeed luckier than most in this world.

18

That’s the crux of it, I think. Some successful people are dicks. Maybe they always were, and we only noticed because they’re successful, or maybe they were latently dicks, and being successful made them start being open about it, or maybe success made them turn into dicks. Hard to tell.

It’s OK to be successful, it’s not OK to be a dick about it, or y’know, be a dick in general.

19

IMO **msmith537 **nailed it in his various posts.

The OP doesn’t need less success. He needs new friends that match his new situation.

I’ll quibble with kambuckta’s analysis. Yes, compared to the entire planet, which includes Afghanis and Bulgarians and Namibian nomads and people in abusive relationships and meth addicts and people dying of cancer he’s pretty darn exceptional. Which exceptionality is the product of both skill and luck. But that’s not the relevant group to compare to. Or at least it’s not the *most *relevant group.
His complaint amounts to “I changed my life and now my old friends don’t like the new me.” Which, as so many have said, is totally par for the course. His choices are equally simple and equally stark: “change back into his old self or get (mostly) new friends.”

20

I’ve known a variety of successful people. Some were successful because of their innate talents, some were just plain lucky, and some were successful because they were willing to throw anyone and everyone else off a moving train, to get what they wanted.

I’ve seen a lot of the last kind of person. They are the ones most likely to blame their ex-friends for being jealous of their success, even as they brag elsewhere about how THEY knew how to let nothing (especially including sentiment) get in the way of what they wanted to build for themselves.

The main REAL reason why almost everyone finds that people appear to be less caring after they leave teenage, is just normal human development. The appearance of real camaraderie of those years, was an illusion, borne of the mutual need to break from thinking of oneself as a child. Those children didn’t REALLY care about each other as much as they thought they did, because they didn’t KNOW each other as well as they thought they did.