Is it reasonable to expect your loved one to know what they don't say?

[kanicbird]

@Stoid

Here’s the poll question: do you think that its fair to expect anyone with whom you share a close relationship of whatever nature, to simply know what you REALLY mean, even if you don’t say it, or even if you say the opposite?

Absolutely this is what love is about, if it doesn’t happen there is something blocking it. When it happens it is well beyond what the TV shows typically state, it is awesome and it is very sad that it is not more common. Note though that I expect it it is in no way required, because these things are not in the control of the person.

And for those who say yes, you do have such expectations, I welcome your explanations of your POV, and I am particularly interested in your opinion of how this expectation improves the relationship.

If it doesn’t happen it just means look into the relationship seek out why the connection is not there.

[Triskadecamus]

@Vihaga

I think what makes it better is that the default isn’t to do nothing for your partner unless asked.

I may have read too much into the OP. I think there might be a little bit of ground in between “expect your loved one to know what you didn’t say” and “the default being to do nothing for your partner unless asked.”

I know people greatly enjoy unexpected kindnesses, and lovers are greatly pleased by unexpected expressions of love. All that is wonderful. And, I will admit, if someone did nothing for me unless asked, I would assume that doing things for me was a chore, and probably eventually stop asking. Freely, and spontaneously expressed affection is the rain that brings love to bloom. Finding out that my spontaneous expression of affection was unsuitable would hurt like hell. Every time. Ok, maybe it eventually means you cannot be lovers any more, because your expectations are just never going to be met. But if it is that way, for god’s sake, say so.

I have personal history that makes this a tough subject. When the freely and spontaneously expressed affection comes out, it’s my affection, and reflects me. If it fails to meet an unexpressed preferrence, and is met with sullen or angry feelings that "You should have known . . . " Love dies a bit. Keep it up, and love dies forever.

Tris

[Antinor01]

@astorian

It’s fine for a new husband to make mistakes because he doesn’t know what his wife wants. To use a cliche, if a couple has only been married a few months, a husband may be forgiven for saying, “Yes, honey, since you asked me, and I’m sure you want a completely honest answer, that dress DOES make you look fat.” But if she bursts into tears after he gives that answer, he OUGHT to be able to learn from his mistake! If he’s STILL giving callously, offensively “honest” answers like that 5 years later, he’s just a jerk.

It’s forgivable if a new husband doesn’t remember that March 23rd was the day he and his wife met, and doesn’t know that date has special sentimental meaning to his wife. But AFTER she melts down because he didn’t remember that special date and bring her flowers, it’s HIS fault if he makes the same mistake the NEXT March 23rd.

“I didn’t know what she wanted because she didn’t tell me” is a valid excuse ONE time only.

Or maybe she should learn not to ask loaded questions that she doesn’t want an honest answer to.

[Vihaga]

@Triskadecamus

I may have read too much into the OP. I think there might be a little bit of ground in between “expect your loved one to know what you didn’t say” and “the default being to do nothing for your partner unless asked.” <snip>
I have personal history that makes this a tough subject. When the freely and spontaneously expressed affection comes out, it’s my affection, and reflects me. If it fails to meet an unexpressed preferrence, and is met with sullen or angry feelings that "You should have known . . . " Love dies a bit. Keep it up, and love dies forever.

Tris

There certainly is a middle ground, and while I think it’s roughly proportional to the amount of time one’s been in the relationship, there are still situations in which one partner’s expectations don’t line up with how well the other knows them.

For example, if I went to the trouble of making my husband an elaborate seafood feast for his birthday, it would get a “WTF” response from him despite the effort I put into it, because I know full well that he loathes seafood. In that case, I really, REALLY should know better, because we’ve been eating most meals together for more than 10 years. On the other hand, if I get him a tool he vaguely asked for for his birthday, there’s no way for me to know if he wanted the one with X feature or Y feature, and it’s unreasonable for him to expect I would.

Unfortunately, what one person thinks is a reasonable expectation of knowledge isn’t always the same as another’s. What counts as an “unexpressed preference”? After 13 years, should I know my husband takes his coffee black if I see him drink it black all the time, even if he has never told me? Is it safe to assume that a cautious, timid partner who hates traveling does not, in fact, want to go on a safari, even if she’s never said so? I do think that it’s legitimate for one’s partner to get annoyed if you REALLY screw the pooch on a spontaneous expression of affection (booking space camp for a partner with crippling motion sickness, getting skydiving tickets to someone who hates and is terrified of heights) just because there’s some point at which cluelessness seems almost deliberate. Likewise, it’s unreasonable to expect your partner to know every detail of what you want in a novel situation. I don’t think there’s a good fix for that other than trying to be with someone with whom your expectations line up.