Well, I guess that’s where we differ. Although I could have worded it differently (Alright! Alright! I get it already! ;)), I considered this a “restaurant” question…not a “money” question.
For instance: what if I was admiring a blouse someone was wearing. Is it OK to ask them where they purchased it? I mean, if she responds with a “high end” store rather than WalMart, isn’t that saying something about her finances as well? Or would you say I just want to know where I can get one (and in the process, decide whether or not I can afford it)?
Technically, once again, no. If you admire a blouse you say “I like your blouse.” She may say “Oh, Wal-Mart, $14.95 last week.” But if you ask her where she got the blouse you are opening her up for the potential embarrassment of her admiting she shops SAKs or the alternate embarrassment of admitting she shops the Salvation Army. To a lot of people, these are money questions. i.e. I can afford to shop SAKs or I have to buy my clothes at the SA are embarrassing for some people to 'fess up to.
And part of the problem is that you can’t trust people in their response not to pass judgement. Admit you shop upscale and a certain part of the population will respond “boy, must be nice to be so rich” making you feel like crap. Or then expect you to fund lunch, because you are rich. Admit you shop SA will cause certain people to make a different kind of judgement.
Well my wife and I discuss financial matters among ourselves, but since what’s hers is mine and what’s mine is hers, there’s no etiquette conflict. Our children are small and as of yet have no independent financial existence, so there’s not much to discuss there either.
But, no, I don’t typically discuss money with my parents or my adult siblings. We never say “How much was that sweater?” or “Boy, let me tell you about this deal I just got!” When money does come up in conversation it’s usually prefaced with a “yes I know this is really inappropriate of me, but practical considerations compel me to raise this distasteful subject” disclaimer. It’s on the same level as the discussion of certain essential bodily functions that are best alluded to in polite society rather that chatted about for entertainment.
That’s an excellent explanation of why she might be reluctant to say where she got the blouse. But it doesn’t mean that the question is inherently rude. Just because a person asks a question doesn’t mean they are entitled to an accurate answer.
Pochacco: I’ve never heard of a family being so reticent about talking about money. Do you find your family to be unusual in that regard, or are most of your acquaintances the same way?
In other words, this is a situation where the so-called “little white lie” is appropriate. If someone asks her where she got the blouse, she can simply reply “Oh, I don’t remember!” The questioner should drop it at that point. If the questioner presses the blouse-wearer, then the questioner is clearly being rude, and the blouse-wearer is entitled to (politely) cut off the conversation. The questioner might well have a good reason for asking, and if she offers it, the blouse-wearer can always choose to “remember” where she got it.
Come to think of it, people are constantly asking me how much some of our whitewater paddling equipment cost. It’s usually out of genuine curiosity and interest in something they know nothing about. (though I have run into the occasional judgmental type) Let’s say we’re talking about a kayak. Sometimes they ask in a more general way, like “how much does a kayak like that usually run?” Sometimes they ask specifically what we paid, as in “how much did that set you back?” In either case, my answer would be the same: “The list price on this boat is around $900.” That’s public information. What I actually paid may be none of his business, but it’s also irrelevant. We work in the outdoor industry, so we get all sorts of discounts that the man on the street can’t get.
Oy! Somehow, my comment to Pocaccho snuck into the middle of my post, instead of staying at the end where it was supposed to be. Sorry if that’s confusing.
Hmmm … I don’t know how our friends talk around their own families, but when we’re together they don’t tend to talk about money or purchases either. We talk about our kids or our politics or our work or things we’ve been thinking about. Talking about money would be considered dull and … well … honestly, kind of vulgar. Like describing the details of your recent surgery.
We tend to hang out with an intellectual crowd … my wife’s a college professor … and there’s also a fairly large income distribution among our friends. Some are just getting by, some are pretty well-off, so there’s a strong incentive to avoid uncomfortable comparasons.
But it does. Manners, in their extreme, are supposed to be about avoiding making someone feel bad and smoothing over any bad feelings. As the question might involve giving the person embarrassment, its to be avoided. Moreover, you never want to put a person in a position to be obligated to either be untruthful or come right out and say MYOB.
I find this extreme sort of interpretation a little out there - which is why I’ve said “technically rude.”
Like Pochacco, I have plenty of close friends and relatives that I have no idea how much they make, how much they paid for their car, how much they spend on vacation and that I’d never dream of asking “how much did that cost you” any more than I’d dream of asking them if they’d had sex recently with their spouse. I have other friends and relatives where this is more open. I have a group of close girlfriends - about ten of us. We know about each other’s husbands, we know each others faults, we know each others sex lives and scandalous pasts. We know the nitty gritty of each others labor and delivery stories, and any problems we have with our children. None of us has ever mentioned salary or household income, except in the most general terms. When we buy houses, I’ve never heard anyone say what they paid for theirs. We buy new cars and don’t mention it. About the most we get (this is a bookclub) is “I’m a little broke this month and had to wait for a library copy.”
In fact, this past weekend some friends and I got asked that very question by a complete stranger. We were leaving the restaurant when a woman rolled down the window in her car and asked us. We were complete strangers discussing the price and none of us thought it weird; discussing it with friends shouldn’t be either.
Wait a minute. You have restaurants that have food and bait and you don’t want to eat at 'em? I guess you’d also turn up your nose at a perfectly good freshly killed 'possum laying on the side of the road too wouldn’t ya?
Not rude in my circle of friends, but then, we’re nurses. We discuss our bodily functions and finances constantly, express our esteem for each other by offering to babysit, help with household chores while you’re on surgical leave and to administer Fleet’s enemas as needed. What are friends for anyway?
