If a friend or family member asked me that question, no, I would not be offended. I’d think it would be difficult for a friend or family member to ask an offensive question. Even if it didnt come out right phrase-wise, you’d still give them the benefit of the doubt that they didn’t mean the question to be intrusive or anything. Wouldn’t you?
slight hijack = I always used to offend my grandmother with one simple question: “What are we having for dinner?” When she’d invite us over on a Sunday once a month, my 12 year old self would invariably ask “What are we having?” She’d never answer, just say “That’s rude to ask” I’d go for a while without asking, then fall into it again because I never got why that was rude. I mean, I’m still gonna show up, Mom will drag me. I just wanna know what I’m in for. I personally wouldn’t balk at telling a dinner guest what I was cooking if asked. Heck, I wouldnt even need to be asked, I’d likely announce it: “Oh! I’ll make my lasagna” or “I’ll whip up a quick Meat Monster (meatloaf)”
If a friend of mine went to New York and told me they went to Tavern on the Green, I wouldn’t ask “how much did you spend?”
If they went to a new place in town, and I said, “can I ask what it ran?” they should be OK with that. First of all, I know it’s semantics, but it’s not “what you spent” rather “what it ran” meaning “what the restaurant charged.” More importantly, it indicates I probably have an interest in checking it out.
I’ll follow up with “did you get desserts and/or drinks” because that matters.
I wouldn’t ask it of anyone though. I’m surprised a “friend” took offense.
I’m never offended when people ask what I’m serving, because some people may have allergies or may really hate what I’m making. However, I’m always a bit annoyed when I have a party and someone wants to know who else is coming. I would hope that they would know that I wouldn’t invite an arch-enemy to the same party!
I see it as a smaller version of asking what someone paid for a house, (especially if they are just moving in). It is ok to ask what the asking price was - a matter of public record and easy to look up. Asking what was actually paid is much more personal.
Basically there is a real difference between asking what will be charged to anyone who comes in off of the street, and asking what someone paid for the specific thing that exact time. One is general, one is personal and personal can often be considered rude, especially about money.
Kalhoun it sounds to me like y’all are good friends and talk about a lot of personal stuff. My take is for some reason it rubbed her wrong. Some people will go on and on about how much they paid for a car, what their homes are valued at, the wad of cash a spouse dropped on a piece of jewelry, yet be offended by talking about how much they spent at the grocery store or for a meal in a restaurant. I wouldn’t worry about it. Y’all go and enjoy a good meal and some jazz.
I’m throwing in another vote for not rude. Like you, I always think of finances as income, investments, etc. Plus, this person is a friend. Depending upon how close you might be with her, you might even be discussing much more personal things than how much dinner cost.
And I agree with you - it drives me nuts when people ask me who else is invited to a party I’m giving. I’ve stopped inviting one person to my home because I can never tell who she likes or dislikes - it seems to depend on her mood. A couple of times, I’ve invited her to a party, only to have her ask “Who’s invited?? Is [insert name] coming, because if she is, I won’t come.” The final straw was my wedding a couple of months ago when she refused to come if she was seated next to someone she didn’t like, then proceeded to give me a long list of people she disliked. I wouldn’t have minded if it were just one person she didn’t want to sit with, but it was a list of most of our mutual friends, and some of my family. I was incredibly offended and told her so, so she wound up not coming. I was not disappointed.
Yeah, I guess I should have worded it slightly differently…but I never would have guessed it from her.
And Swampbear, I think I’m going to try to catch the show on Saturday night. I’ll try to remember to post a review (complete with price list!!) so any of you in the McHenry County area of Illinois can see what it’s like to eat at a restaurant that doesn’t have a bait shop attached to it!!
Well, it’s not like we’re sisters-close, but she did offer up the fact that her husband suffers from an anxiety disorder (and was having a serious incident the prior weekend), and she shared the bizarre circumstances her stepson got married under. I think that’s way heavier than the cost of dinner at a swanky '40s supper club.
My friend’s boss goes to Orlando for a conference. The company puts her up in a hotel a mile and a half from the convention center. The day of, she decides to taxi over to the center. After half an hour of waiting and arm waving she gives up. She then walks out into the middle of the road, hands up, stopping a SUV family in ride. She jumps in the back, next to a young girl and boy wearing their Mickey and Minnie Mouse hats, hands the father a ten and demands to be taken to the convention center. Whether or not she asked them how much their dinner was is another matter.
There is Mrs. Manners rude and then there is this. I think amoung friends the Mrs. Manners book is relaxed quite a bit.
“How much was dinner?” - Not rude
Flicking boogers at her while asking - Rude
“How much were the steaks?” - Not rude
“What color is your underwear?” - Rude and improper
“How much was the house wine?” - Not rude
Giving her phone number out to strangers - Rude and dangerous
Maybe she had a bad day. Maybe recent circumstances caused her to be a little sensative to the subject. Maybe your being rude now by talking behind her back on a message board.
Huh. I was all with kevja until you posted this: it’s rude for me to ask what someone else spent on my present, and it’s by extension rude for a friend to ask me what my wife spent on a present for me. But if she was bragging earlier about how much her husband spent on a present for her, that throws a wrench in the works.
I tend to be someone who doesn’t get offended by etiquette breaches easily; it’s too much effort for zero return. On the flipside, I’ll try to apologize if I do offend someone’s etiquette: it’s very little effort for a big return. You may want to say, “listen, sorry about the other night; I was just thinking of going to the restaurant myself, and was kind of a bonehead how I asked you about the prices there.” She’ll almost certainly laugh it off, and will probably apologize to you for being such a freako about your question.
No, you weren’t rude. Your friend is just uptight. Which makes me wonder why you’re hanging out to begin with.
Maybe I see friendship differently. There are, of course, some things that maybe shouldn’t be discussed. However, if women can get together and tell intimate details about what their husbands are like in the sack (and you know they do), why is it suddenly improper to discuss something as “everyday” as money?
“How much did you spend?” is a personal question and out of bounds.
“How expensive is a restaurant is it?” is less personal, but still gauche.
How good a friend the other person is has nothing to do with it. Etiquette exists as a social lubricant. The more you rub up against someone, the more lubricant is required to keep the relationship running smoothly. Our best manners should be for our families and close friends.
I think your friend was a little uptight in the situation. The question could have been intended either way, but she took it in the most negative way possible - IMO, friends should give each other the benefit of the doubt.
I was raised to believe that it’s incredibly rude to make someone else feel like a classless boor when they didn’t intend to be rude. Especially if she goes around discussing the price of gifts, which could be considered a lot more private than a ballpark figure of how much dinner cost.
Well, we don’t hang out like “really tight girlfriends” hang out. We’re friendly, our husbands are friendly, and we’re in a group of about five or so women at work. The fact that she’s shared her husband’s anxiety disorder with me makes it hard to understand why my restaurant question warped her out. She’s really very nice, but fairly conservative for my “really tight girlfriend” tastes. If you know what I mean.
So, you would not ask even a family member or a close friend “How expensive a restaurant is it?” It must be extraordinarily difficult having a conversation in your family. I can’t imagine how you get through a day without being “rude” and still manage to actually communicate with eachother.
What do you do, for instance, if you family is on a budget?
Maybe between the ring and the dinner your friend has been reading Emily Post. So she didn’t realize how gauche it was to tell you how much the ring cost (which was rude of her), but now realizes its inappropriate to ask about dinner.
Or perhaps another thought went through her mind and she was reacting at the root, not to the potential rudeness of the situation, but something else. For instance, maybe she just had a conversation with someone else where she was talking about how they spent too much money dining out, and your question triggered recollection of that conversation. Or was just complaining about lack of money and your question triggered some embarrassment about how they choose to spend it. Or rejoicing in a sudden windfall she doesn’t feel comfortable discussing and was afraid the conversation would turn to “how can you afford that?”
Which is why its rude. Money questions are loaded - no matter what your intent is.
(Which doesn’t mean I don’t do this all the time).
