Ya’ know, I’ve been reading the posts, and I get the impression that until fairly recently DarkSide was getting good grades. So, I don’t think laziness is the issue. She said she is having a hard time staying focussed.
Also, unless her mother works a late shift and DarkSide was doing some extreme sleeping in, it seems likely that she had gotten the letter the previous day and instead of addressing it them, deliberately waited until the next morning to slap her around and confront her when she didn’t know what the hell was going on. Even morning mail usually doesn’t come early enough that most day-shift workers would get it before leaving for work. I also have a strong suspicion that this is Mom’s normal style of interacting with her.
I don’t think “doing better” is the answer. I mean, yes she should probably have her meds tweaked so she can focus on her schoolwork more easily, but I don’t think improving her grades will improve her relationship with her mother. If my own family history is any indication, if DarkSide were a straight-A student, her mother would find other things to find fault with and “discipline” her for. “She’s shit” is not an expression of concern over a child’s grades slipping. It’s an expression of what is probably a long-held opinion by a woman who has serious problems of her own and is projecting them on her daughter.
DarkSide, I don’t really have any constructive advice to offer other than what has already been said. If my suspicions are correct, and your mother is abusing you on an ongoing basis, do you have any relatives or close friends who might take you in until your mother can get her own act together, or you turn 18, whichever comes first?
What the FUCK? Her mother smacks her around, puts her down, and calls her “shit” and a “waste” to other people. Dark is in counseling, on three different medications. No wonder she’s doing poorly in school!!!
Jesus Christ!!!
You don’t encourage a child to do better in school by beating on her and badmouthing her.
Thank you, Guin. You said it way better than I could. Duderdue2 and Clothahump, just “getting motivated” may have helped in your cases, but you aren’t, as Guin said, on three different medications, receiving counseling for severe depression, and living with an abusive parent. Telling her to simply “do better”, in this case, just. doesn’t. help.
I’m not justifying any of that, but I do wonder how many of those problems can be attributed to her failing in school.
I know a lot of the problems for me surfaced because of the very same situation. I’m not saying her situation is identical to mine, but telling her to “do better” certainly isn’t bad advice by any measure, because in the end, that’s what she’s going to have to do to get anywhere in life.
Perhaps, given the lack of in-depth information (“I’m on medication and doing bad in school” vs “I have crippling depression and OCD so severe my hands were raw and chapped, and it hurts to write and the meds are just making me absolutely exhausted, so even when I am awake I feel tired and I can’t concentrate and…”), the best course is to be generally-supportive rather than giving the OP however well-meant a kick in the butt. There will need to be, on the part of the OP, drive, determination and desire - all that sort of thing that can’t ultimately be derived from an external source - but my feeling is that this thread was started more from a desire to vent and get hugs than from a desire to get tough love from random strangers.
Depression and abuse affect all aspects of life, including schoolwork. I think I reacted so strongly to your original post in this thread because you just told her to “do better”, nothing more. It came off as rather smug, condescending and dismissive. “Do better” would certainly be good advice, for someone who can. For those suffering from severe depression and living with an abusive parent, that just may not be possible. In order to do better in school, she must first deal with the demons inside and out. Until then, simply telling someone to “do better” with no other sympathy or support cannot and must not be done. In many cases, including mine, it only makes things worse.
Please show me where, in the first post, she mentioned having “severe depression”? I also don’t recall the parent being all that abusive in the first post, what I perceived it as was an angry parent’s reaction to the news.
You can’t hold me responsible for news that may have surfaced after my original post. How was I to know? Obviously I wasn’t as I was going off of the details provided by the OP.
She chose to post her message on a very public forum. I don’t care what she wants, people are going to say what they feel given the medium.
She didn’t have to. Sleeping to escape problems, taking pills to aid that, lack of interest in school and other activities, lack of energy, and feelings of worthlessness are all blatant warning signs. I don’t expect you to be a psychologist, but even with the information she provided, reacting with an offhand “kick in the pants” was the wrong choice. She was asking if she was worthless, for crying out loud. That in itself is a cry for help.
And I’d say that hitting your child awake is abusive. I’m not saying that all hitting is bad, i.e. spanking, but hitting them awake? That crosses the line. That wasn’t a parent concerned about her child. That wasn’t even an angry parent. That was abuse.
Of course, you’re right. How silly of us to react to her plight with kindness and compassion.
Stop assuming things I never stated. You have every right to post just as you did, where did I insinuate otherwise?
One could analyize any teen’s life and find “blatent warning signs” in - I’d bet - most of them. What teen doesn’t ever feel "discouraged and tired of “it all”? That’s not a unique sensation.
The OP asked what she should do, while noting that “the whole thing is not only about grades, but apparently, I’m lazy and stupid.” It sounds to me like we’re simply providing her with excuses as to why she’s slacked off. However, if the mother is as abusive as the OP states, then she should go to the police and turn her in. The mother should not be hitting her on a consistant basis (as the OP seemingly implies; I’m not sure) and be getting away with it.
We’ve only heard one side of the story; regardless of whether it’s accurate or not, I still stand by my “do better” comment, and I think we can both agree that’s something she will have to do eventually anyway. It just seems that you believe more may need to be done in the mean-time whereas I don’t think we have enough information to conclude one way or another. It sounds like though that she’s no saint herself, as her vagueness about the “incident” would allude to. We do not know what the mother has gone through and whether this event was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I was trying (here and via email), absent clear evidence that this girl has just frankly given up on life, or has slacked off for no valid reason, to be supportive. If that looks to you as indicated by your above statement, I think we might be at an impasse of sorts.
Duderdude2, you said you didn’t care what the OP wanted, that people were going to respond how they wanted. You responded in a way that seemed, to me, inconsiderate and inappropriate. I called you on it, and you reacted to that, denying the OP’s illness. That’s where I got the insinuation.
You posted this after Dark had cited her mother’s continuing abuse, her being in counseling, and her medication.
As for the OP, her saying that “apparently I’m lazy and stupid” is not an admission of guilt. She was paraphrasing the vile things her mother said about her and taking it upon herself.
It is true that we are only getting one side of the story here. But I, for one, like to give people the benefit of the doubt before I take their problems so lightly.
Look, Duderdude2, we can argue about this all night and all day and never come to agreement. This is neither GD nor the Pit, and our argument is not helping the OP at all. I am walking away from this right now.
Dark, you may not be able to get out of the house right now, or you may be too afraid. But I sincerely hope you get out of there, and soon. And please, take care of yourself. Do not let your mother or the world defeat you. There are people out there, even on this message board, who are willing to see you through this. My email address is in my profile if you want to talk. And please, if your current counselor isn’t working out, find a new one. I wish you nothing but the best, and please remember, things will get better.
Folks, this thread has degenerated into bickering about what advice should or shouldn’t be given to a 15 year old girl, based on her post(s) on a public message board.
She should be discussing this with a professional.