Subject line says it all. The assumption is that when you started dating, the person was slim and able-bodied; two years later, they’re not.
We’ll further assume that in the “got fat” case, the person has gained however much it takes to to make you no longer physically attracted to them.
In the “got paralyzed” case, we’ll assume waist-down, not unconscious or on a feeding tube, but you can no longer have sex as you’ve come to know it.
To those who will say that breaking up with someone for either reason is reprehensible and shallow, I agree-- I’m just trying to figure out which is worse.
(And this is, of course, hypothetical; it’s not like I somehow have two girlfriends with these issues or anything.)
As you’ve laid it out, it sounds to me like they could’ve taken steps to prevent getting fat. Maybe the same is true of becoming paralyzed, but more often than not, it’s easier to avoid becoming fat than it is to avoid becoming paralyzed.
I’d say dumping them because they got paralyzed is worse.
Exactly. I don’t think I can love someone who doesn’t care enough about himself to avoid getting fat. Letting yourself get fat means you don’t give a shit about spending a long healthy life with me. You probably don’t care about making an attempt to stay attractive for me. I’m a pretty active person who wants a partner to share adventures with, and I don’t think fat people would be able to keep up. I’m not talking about a few extra pounds here either. I could deal with some extra poundage around the holidays, or I can help you work them off. However, if you balloon up to super-chunk level, then goodbye.
Getting paralyzed would probably come with all sorts of challenges that I haven’t even considered, but I think it could work if the relationship is strong enough. You can’t help getting paralyzed, but you can help yourself from eating crap you shouldn’t and living a sedentary lifestyle.
So yeah, another vote for it being worse to dump someone because they got paralyzed.
Not that there is any real-life inspiration for this thread, because of course there isn’t, but let’s say for the sake of argument that you saw the person eating right and exercising more than you do, and you feel like they’re making a real good-faith effort to not be fat but it’s not working. Let’s further posit that you know the person takes thyroid medication, but their doctor says that’s not the problem, even though you think it probably is. But hey, you’re not a doctor.
For me, the causation would be a key factor. There is a big difference between being paralyzed because you fell down a cliff after saving a busload of orphans teetering on the edge vs. wiping out while street racing your cycle without a helmet.
I knew someone would be along with something like this. If that is the case, then I suppose they’re not at fault–like the person who got paralyzed.
Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding what you’re trying to get across with the whole medicine thing. Is it that they doctor is saying it isn’t the medication making them fat, but I think it is? I don’t get the connection.
I don’t see why either is evil. We’re talking about stopping dating someone, right? Not getting a divorce, not disowning your soulmate. People move on for all kinds of odd reasons, and I don’t see why one is worse than another.
Neither. If you want to stop dating someone just go ahead and do it. It’ll save both of you some time. If you’re married with a kid, you should probably stick around for the kid’s sake though.
I don’t think either is TERRIBLE. If someone wasn’t attracted to me anymore I wouldn’t want them to stay with me out of obligation or pity. I’d assume any partner of mine would feel the same.
She ate a low-fat vegan diet and exercised regularly. If I took that kind of care of myself, I’d be lean as a whippet, but she still couldn’t lose weight. That and her being cold all the time made me think it might be the thyroid thing.
Now that we’ve abandoned the pretense of this being completely hypothetical, I guess I can say that I like a heel for ending it* for such a shallow reason. I mean, we had our problems, but the truth is if she’d stayed skinny we’d probably still be together. I’m trying to decide how bad it was for me to do this, hence this thread.
*Technically, she ended it because I was acting so distant.
This is interesting. I knew a couple in high school that got married at 19 or 20. One of them was in a tragic accident wholly not their fault and was a changed person (mentally and physically handicapped). Facing the prospect of being with said person for another 50 or 60 years or more, the “normal” person divorced the now handicapped person. The one who initiated the divorce got a lot of grief for it, but I never understood why. The person they were with was in no way the person they married. This isn’t exactly like the OP because in the OP’s scenario it appears it’s primarily a physical change and not mental but this is still an interesting real-life scenario.
As for me, it would completely depend upon the situation. If someone was paralyzed saving someone’s life that is completely different than if they were racing their motorcycle after I had asked them not to ride it. So the circumstances would matter.
Since we’re talking about dating, here, there’s nothing wrong with ending a relationship over either type of change. As long as you do it with sensitivity, you’re in the clear.
Ending a marriage is a different ball of wax. If the weight issue (and by “weight issue,” I mean serious obesity, not a few extra pounds or a bit of a belly) is causing distance in the relationship, I think there’s an obligation to discuss it with honesty and sensitivity to attempt to resolve it. If the overweight spouse is unwilling to take steps to maintain the relationship, then the other partner is free to make the decision on their own.
For the paralysis thing, well, there’s that whole “in sickness and in health” bit.
I don’t buy that there is a significant difference between breaking up with a fat/paralyzed girlfriend and divorcing a fat/paralyzed wife. Maybe a difference of degree maybe, but not fundamentally different.
The shallowness resides not in the reasons you break up, but in the time frame. One of the major benefits of a long term relationship is knowing the other person is a semi-permanent fixture in your life. People have ups and downs all through their lives. It is nice to know my wife won’t leave me for gaining a few pounds, or breaking my arm, or getting sucked into a Ponzi scheme, or drinking too much, etc. At least not immediately, because people are volatile creatures and she knows that sometimes shit happens.
However, permanent, long term changes disrupt that whole dynamic. I would hope that if I become paralyzed and wheelchair-ridden my wife would stick it out for an extended period of time to see what happens. Ultimately, though, paralyzed people don’t change back, so if she felt our relationship was ruined, I wouldn’t fault her for leaving. I would only blame her if she didn’t even give it a chance.
Getting fat is a little different, but not much. You have to stick it out long enough to make sure it is a fairly permanent life change, and not just a seasonal weight gain. But going from 100 to 400 pounds entails a significant personality change, it isn’t just physical. So if my wife decides that the gargantuan blob that I’ve become isn’t really the man she married, I wouldn’t blame her one bit. I would hope that she gave me enough time to be sure it was really me that changed and not just my body.
With an unmarried couple, I would expect that they would be a little quicker on the trigger, but ultimately the same standards apply. Give it enough time to be fairly certain that the relationship has changed for the worse and that there is no hope of it changing back anytime soon.
Breaking up because of that pot belly she obtained over Christmas break: You’re a douche.
Breaking up because she doubled her weight and refuses to leave the couch: Totally understandable.
Heck yes! The Happy Cow Restaurant. Depending on when you were here last, it actually closed for about 15 years and re-opened in the mid nineties. But it’s going strong now.
So, would it be okay to dump someone because they get old and wrinkly? 'Cause you know they could always just shoot themselves after the Botox gets too expensive.