No, this isn’t one of those posts, but it’s a serious question.
My wife and I recently caught our 15-year old daughter in the middle of the night sneaking into the bedroom of her girlfriend, who was visiting from out of town (despite separate sleeping areas being the primary condition for us allowing the visit). As a result, we’ve said there will be no further overnight visits from her girlfriend, nor will she be allowed to stay at her girlfriend’s house, for the foreseeable future.
We’ve always encouraged open discussion about our rules, so, apart from the issue of general rule-breaking, our daughter is now asking us why it’s inappropriate for her to be sexually active with another girl if–and this is a big “if”–there are no disease risks. We’ve struggled to come up with any explanation beyond “sex is a very complex thing that affects people physically, mentally, and emotionally and you’re just not mature enough right now to handle that.”
Understandably, she doesn’t accept that as an answer. At her request, we’ve taken her to a therapist (whom she’s seen before for other reasons), but he wasn’t able to give a different answer.
Which leads to my question: is it wrong? I still think it is, but it bothers me that I can’t articulate a better reason for it. So, if it is wrong, help me out in explaining why. My family and I would really appreciate it.
And to think that we used to marry people off at 12 or 13.
People used to have a dozen kids while they all lived together in the same room.
Yeah, there is no other answer to the question, and I’d be saying the same thing to my kid if I had one. But it isn’t the end of the world. Teenagers are going to have sex and try to figure it all out. I’m sure you did at that age too.
We actually struggled with the decision to allow the visit. Her girlfriend lives several hours away (they met at summer camp) so they don’t get to see each other very much. We agreed to let the girlfriend visit for a weekend after our daughter agreed that she would sleep upstairs in her room and her girlfriend would sleep in the guest bedroom in the basement. One of the things that bothers me most about the situation is that our daughter agreed to the arrangement, then failed to keep her part of the deal. She’s otherwise a pretty responsible kid.
As a former child, though, I will say that you don’t have to reason with your child or provide justifications for your house rules.
Your rationale makes sense to me. Just because there aren’t any tangible dangers to the two having sex, that doesn’t mean your daughter is emotionally ready for it. Just like simply having a boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can be if the kids are not ready. If your value system puts emphasis on the specialness of sex and you’d like to promote this particular value to your daughter, then it makes sense to put some boundaries on what she does.
The biggest reason why I think it’s fair to reign her in, though, may not actually apply in your case. If she has other siblings and they find out that you allowed her to have unchaste activities, will they feel that it’s unfair when you crack down on their heterosexual escapades? Also, not saying your daughter is uncertain about her sexuality or anything, but what if she were to experiment with a boyfriend? It only seems fair to have a blanket “no sex between minors in the house” rule rather than one that discriminates based on the type of sex being engaged in.
We get that this is something we likely can’t prevent (though the long-distance nature of their relationship undoubtedly helps in this particular case), but my wife and I just aren’t comfortable sanctioning it. I would love to be able to tell my daughter why it’s a bad idea to become active too young and it’s frustrating to me that I can’t.
I work with teens for a living, I can assure you that many of them are sexually active. in some countries the parents main concern would be birth control/condom use at this age.
it has always seemed silly to me, you are basically telling your daughter to to have sex with her girlfriend someplace potentially far less safe than her own home. because no sleep overs sure as hell wont stop the sex from happening.
this question brings me to one of my own, it might be its own thread but I do have to wonder if humans are the only species who deliberately try to stop sexually mature members from having sex?
Oh, we’ve been very clear for years that, while we’re willing to discuss the reasoning behind our rules and listen to arguments against them, our ultimate decision is our ultimate decision, whether she agrees with it or not, and we expect her to follow the rules.
We do have a younger daughter, so your last paragraph gives me something to consider. (Your whole post does, actually, just that part in particular.)
Why on earth did you take her to a therapist? That can’t be helping in the long run. As a matter of rules, that’s your call, but she’s not suffering from some mental disorder. And don’t forget the appeal of forbidden fruit.
We are very appreciative of the fact that any physical risks appear to be minimal in this particular case. And, because of the distance involved, our daughter’s not going to be having sex with this particular girlfriend anywhere as long as we restrict the visits. We can’t do that forever, though, and wouldn’t want to even if we could.
In your work with teens, do you ever see any non-physical negative effects from sex in teenagers?
She’s been to this particular therapist before, when she was dealing with some intense emotional issues related to coming out to her friends and extended family. In this instance, she asked to go see him again because she trusts him and hoped he would help explain to her what my wife and I are apparently unable to do. (Part of me suspects she was hoping he’d say that there are no negative effects.)
She is very, very clear that “seeing a therapist” does not mean “I have a mental disorder.”
This is the part that I would focus on. She deliberately broke a rule that was discussed and agreed on.
Teenagers will have sex, it’s just the way things are. You can try to make all the rules you like, but they are going to do it anyway. So you can teach them how to make the right choices, let them know that they don’t HAVE to, no matter what anyone says, teach them that they are the only ones in charge of their bodies, and how to do things safely. After that, it’s in the teenagers hands.
That may well be true. For the record, our concerns have nothing to do with the fact that they’re both girls. We’re just opposed to sex for 15-year olds in general (and our 15-year old, specifically).
broken hearts? the usual drama of high school dating. honestly I am a bit surprised at how well informed most of these kids are. I cant think of a single unwanted pregnancy outside of one girl who was to be gentle, a complete moron. (seriously she was not smart) I am sure there are some negative effects here and there but as I pointed out there are countries who would rather they did it at home than where ever they could, and somehow they dont have some crazy pregnancy rate or sti’s or any of that nonsense.
I recall hearing Carl Sagan talk about a study showing that a healthy sex life as a teen has a life long effect of making people more social. (or something like that, it was a long time ago)
I think starting around 14 or 15, you do need to start providing justification, simply because at that age kids are old enough to figure out how to do what they want regardless. If you can’t convince them that they shouldn’t have sex when they themselves want to, then they’re going to have sex. Trying to pretend that you can micromanage their lives with a bunch of rules to the extent that the opportunity never arises is a lost cause.
So to the OP, I’d do your best to convince her that sex contains a lot of emotional content that she would be better able to deal with when she’s older, that she’ll have her whole life ahead of her to have sex, and hope she’ll make the correct decision. It might even work, certainly there are plenty of teens who decide to wait.
As a parent, you don’t have an obligation to rationalize every decision to your kids. Sexual maturity happens a whole lot earlier than emotional maturity in our current culture. Yes, we used to accept marriage at 15 but this is a whole different society. Today’s 15-year-old has far less understanding of responsibility, values, and respect.
Pregnancy is only one of the “Bad Things” that can come from sex at 15. You will never tell a 15 year old that they aren’t emotionally mature enough to have sex at that age. I knew everything I needed to know when I was 15. :rolleyes: I was also sexually active at 15. Only by sheer luck I didn’t end up a teenage statistic.
I would be more upset that my daughter dishonored her word than I would that she was experimenting with her sexual roles. That being said, though, I did the same (and worse) when I was that age and I think I grew up ok.
