Tell her that she can’t have sex with her girlfriend because she might get pregnant.
Hey, it’s worth a try.
No, I’m asking my daughter to respect my opinion that sex at her age has implications that I do not believe she can fully appreciate at this stage of her life (her specifically, not all 15-year olds necessarily, despite the title of the OP). Maybe she will respect that, maybe she won’t–we’re in the early stages of a dialogue on the subject. And she may well go behind my back and do it anyway. I’m hoping that I can better explain my reasoning to her so that she can at least make a relatively informed decision.
If her happiness depends on sex, then her mother and I have already failed her. Maybe that’s the case, but I doubt it. As best as we can tell, she’s a pretty happy kid in all other aspects of her life.
There’s one big issue here that hasn’t really been mentioned. The girlfriend presumably has parents of her own. What’s their position on all of this? Are her parents aware their daughter is in a relationship with your daughter? Are they even aware their daughter is gay/bisexual and sexually active? Were they aware of these things when their daughter came to visit your home? What were the rules they gave to their daughter?
I’m Not Dennis Bergkamp, you also have the option of teaching your daughter how to deal with sex and relationships in a more emotionally prudent manner. That is if you think you daughter is intelligent enough to be able to benefit from such a lesson.
This would be the obvious solution to other “maturity” related issues such as watching R-rated movies, drinking, or driving. If you believe a child can drive responsibly then there should be no problem with allowing her to drive.
Likewise with sex, if you don’t believe your child can have sex responsibly, then you shouldn’t let her have sex. If you can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t be able to handle sex with emotional maturity, then your other choices are:
- STDs.
- Might be illegal (although I’m not too clear on what crime the minor would be committing).
- You’re uncomfortable with children having sex in your house.
- You’re uncomfortable with children being on their own, overnight, anywhere other than your house.
I think these four reasons are enough justification for your policy if you can’t think of how sex would effect your daughter emotionally.
As for her emotional response to sex, I don’t know how you can predict that she will respond to sex in a healthy manner. If you can, then you know your daughter better than I knew a few of my ex-girlfriends. I would just tell her that teenagers are notoriously bad at dealing with sex with emotional maturity, and that even though you are not certain how she’ll handle it, you are not comfortable with taking that risk.
-I had no experience with women until university, so I was 19. I still liked GI Joes at 14.
I recognize how the situation might appear that way, but I fully recognize the nature of the relationship. This isn’t about expecting her to blindly follow the rules–nobody’s that good at 15. I say I was surprised about her actions in this case because we’ve had several open and candid discussions about sex, including some very recently. And she has always maintained that she’s had no interest in it. We all knew that would change at some point, but there was very little warning before it did. That’s all I meant.
Right now, her sole sexual interest (as far as I know, admittedly) is in a girl that lives several hours away. They have no current plans to get together, so we have some time in which to have our dialogue on why I think becoming sexually active is a bad choice. At the moment, though, I’m just trying to come to terms with my own thoughts on the issue so that I can articulate them to her. It may help or it may not.
As noted above, because of the circumstances we’re in, I don’t believe she’s having sex right now. And isn’t inclined to have sex until she gets together with her girlfriend at some as-yet-undefined point in the future. If they were in the same town, or if she were not in what appears to be a committed relationship with someone who lives several hours away, it would be a more pressing issue.
I do accept that my daughter will eventually have sex. I’m just hoping that I can convince her to wait, at least a little while.
Short answer, Nothing. COnsidering the nature of her realtionship you should simply have a reasonable discussion about sex not equating to love and leave it alone. If she feels she’s old enough, she is.
Her parents are aware of the relationship and are supportive of it. Prior to the visit, I explained to them the rules we set for our daughter, but I do not know what rules they set for their own daughter. We have talked–very briefly–about my daughter sneaking into the basement bedroom (and then only because we wanted to make sure they understood why my daughter was on restricted privileges, which have the side effect of impacting her communications with their daughter–it’s limited, but not prohibited).
They were surprised by the incident because they thought the relationship was, in their words, “sweet and innocent.” But I do not know what, if anything they have said or done with their daughter in response. (We haven’t asked them to say or do anything.) They claim to understand and respect the actions we’ve taken with regard to our daughter, though, for breaking the terms of the agreement for the visit.
I think she’s intelligent enough to have those discussions and we’ve had several in the past. But her explanation for breaking the bedroom rule in this instance was that she just got caught up in the emotions of having her girlfriend in the house, so I think even she recognizes that sex, or at least the prospect of it, was having an impact on her thought processes (big shocker, I know–in other news, I can confirm that water is wet).
This is all very helpful. Thank you.
I appreciate the response, but can’t get on board with the reasoning. In my own past, I felt old enough to do certain things that I very clearly wasn’t. Drinking is probably the best example; sex is clearly another and the two were often related. There were a few close calls in college where I was fortunate not to walk away with a disease or a child, and I was a good three to five years older at those times than my daughter is now.
Another very good point, sorry I missed it earlier. She does seem to believe that there are no physical risks. Being a teenager, however, with the usual teenager’s invulnerability complex, she doesn’t seem to accept that even when we explain it to her, because she’s sure it won’t happen to her. That’s part of the reason we’re exploring the non-physical risks, to find something she can understand and appreciate.
I wouldn’t take the ‘going behind your back’ personally. One can have the BEST relationship with one’s parents, and STILL not want them involved in one’s sex life. It’s the one area that involves her, and her alone. Well, and whoever she’s with. But to expect anyone…much less a teenager trying on wings…to get permission before experimenting in an area so personal, not to mention so beset with hormones, is futile, I believe. The ‘sex!=love’ talk is great, give her the tools to protect herself, and continue to emphasis that there are times and places for physical relations which do not include “right now and under your roof.” But don’t take it as a sign that something else is going on.
If she knows her GF hasn’t been with other people, she’s as correct as any of us in trusting monogamous relationships that ‘STDs aren’t a risk’, no?
Perhaps, but I don’t see how she can know her girlfriend hasn’t been with other people. She’s two years older, lives several hours away in a different state, and they only met each other for the first time this summer. Even if everything else was the same, but they’d known each other for longer, I’d feel more confident about my daughter’s ability to judge whether her girlfriend was being honest about her sexual history.
I’m really not too worried that other stuff is going on. And I know that it’s an awkward situation. But there has been a breach in trust that’s going to take some time to repair. That’s unfortunate, but unavoidable, at least in my case.
Did I read this right, you are quite ok with your daughter sleeping with another girl, just not when she is below sixteen. chill out, its not like she is going to get pregnant. try and get your feet on planet earth.
What would the various ramifications be if you were to simply refuse further same-house accomodation (not that I am recommending it)?
I’m not sure. I think they’ll accept it grudgingly for any visits in the near future (i.e., girlfriend can visit, but must stay in a hotel). But long-term, I suspect they’d view it as an attempt to keep them apart on a broader level, creating a situation that they perceive as them-against-us.
Kids fall in love and fall out of love, with great emotion. By having relationships as teenagers, hopefully they learn enough that by the time they are young adults, they can handle the ups and downs of relationships, and make better decisions.
If kids do not have the opportunity to fall in and out of love when they are still teenagers, it is possible that they may not have the skill set to deal with it once they are young adults, and make some very bad decisions.
That suggests to me that the question should not be “is she ready for sex” but rather “is she ready to start learning the ups and downs of sexual relationships, knowing that she needs to learn this in her teens but also knowing that she will take some hard knocks along the way?”
So, your daughter met this girl at summer camp, and spent several weeks/months with her. A couple months after the camp, she comes for a visit, and you catch them together in her room.
You really, really think that was their first sexual encounter?
And come on with the STD risk. She’s not picking up hobos at the local biker bar. She’s having lesbian sex with a girl she met at summer camp. The chance of her catching a STD is essentially zero. More importantly, that risk isn’t going to change as she gets older.