Is my anhedonia hopeless?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve started wondering recently if I really like or enjoy anything anymore. I acknowledge that I’m in a bad state right now, what with possibly losing (for no good reason) one of my only friends, and my parents’ divorce can’t be helping my psyche any, as much as I try to distance myself from it. My therapist was worried about me on Friday, and asked me to sign some sort of contract in which I pledged not to harm myself. I readily signed, with honesty, but at the same time I had to stop myself from asking what the enforcement mechanism is.

It’s not a new development. I had teachers who remarked on how I didn’t seem to like anything much, and my peers sometimes noticed the same thing. I’m always encountering the advice to meet people through activities I enjoy, but I can’t name any such activities! I do have interests, but they’re often very unpleasant, and that’s my assessment as much as anyone else’s. In other words, I don’t make small talk, but if unchecked I can talk at great length and with considerable anger about war, genocide, and various and sundry related topics. That’s “my field”, but of course I can’t get a career in it.

I ride a bike, but I don’t really know if I enjoy it. I do it for exercise, since I hate running. I play an instrument (but do I enjoy it?) and have actually formed a band (I am shocked and amazed that these people like me enough to want to work with me), but I feel like there’s something wrong with me for having such narrow, idiosyncratic (and often very dark and angry) taste in music, taste which doesn’t seem to resonate with others in my walk of life, so to speak. I don’t watch movies anymore, despite once being a film fan and trying to become a screenwriter. I read, but I haven’t enjoyed discussion groups.

I can’t fathom why religion still exists, why people have children (though of course we should treat children well), why anyone would want to own a pet (though we should be kind to animals, i.e. leave them alone), and I don’t enjoy eating. I don’t see the point of camping or hiking. I don’t own a TV. I don’t use Facebook. As I alluded to earlier, I don’t really feel connected to my family at all, in fact, they make me extremely uncomfortable.

And then there’s dancing. I only went to four B’nai Mitzvahs in my life, but it felt like fourteen. Those were miserable nights. I just don’t understand why people want to move their bodies into weird positions for no discernible reason. I never went to a single dance that wasn’t somehow mandatory, and when I knew there was such an event upcoming that I theoretically could not dodge, I dreaded it for months (or longer) ahead of time. In ninth grade, I woke up early before a band trip, and began guzzling water and sticking my finger down my throat, hoping that I could vomit and thus feign sickness. It didn’t work.

In adulthood, I’ve tried to attend such events and just keep moving around, or otherwise seem inconspicuous, and it doesn’t work either. I know people are staring at me, and sometimes I’ve been asked if I’m having a good time. I have never tasted alcohol in my life and have no plans to do so, and indeed I am completely straight-edge. I also avoid caffeine, and I’m a vegetarian, if that makes a difference.

Should I just accept that I am not cut out for interacting with most of humanity, and get used to being alone for the rest of my (probably short) life?

2

We call that Being a Doper Syndrome.

3

Why?

4

So, anti-depressants don’t work?

Also, you don’t need to find pleasure in everything. I have a broad range of interests myself, but things like dancing are not one of them, so I don’t beat myself up for not enjoying it, it’s simply not my thing, so I don’t participate if I don’t have to.

As for the things you used to enjoy but are now finding uninteresting, that’s a huge sign of chronic depression.

5

Oh, that’s not true.

The OP mentioned not wanting pets. We like cats.

6

I went through a long phase of anhedonia, Lemmy. It was so bad that I couldn’t remember ever feeling joy or happiness, and I couldn’t imagine that I ever would. I mistakenly believed that it was an actual part of my personality (a trait) rather than a temporary condition (a state). I was wrong. I’m not effervescent. I’m not in a constant state of elation. But I am capable of feeling joy. Just not when I’m anhedonic. I don’t know how it went away. It could have been drugs, therapy, all of the above, or none of the above. I just know I’m not under its spell now.

But before you go blaming your brain, you’ve got to remember that not everything is pleasurable for everyone. You aren’t the only one who doesn’t see the point of dancing or small talk. Personally, while I like movies and books, I don’t enjoy talking about them for some reason (which is why my postings in Cafe Society are scant). You are definitely not the only one who doesn’t understand religion or the desire to have kids. Especially around these parts. Your likes/dislikes may be unusual, but this alone does not mean you are anhedonic. It may just mean that you are a bit eccentric, and that you haven’t found the thing that really lights your fire yet.

7

Trust me, they’re really not: one of the most liberating things in this world is realising that for the most part people aren’t watching and judging you, that most of that is you watching and judging yourself. Once you have that one cracked - and if you’re serious about this, I’d recommend a course of CBT - the realisation that you aren’t the centre of everyone else’s gaze and attention, that they’re far too busy with their own lives to care, it frees you up to do so much.

8

Damn, I’ve known for over a decade now that I can have some serious downward mood swings. Usually I know when it’s happening, and can avoid catastrophising.

In the case of alcohol and other recreational substances, I watched a lot of Behind the Music growing up. I also rarely saw my parents drink, so it wasn’t a part of my life in that way. I also was never around drinking peers until after high school, and by then I had decided I didn’t want to do that. Later on, I saw alcohol render people incredibly obnoxious (and sometimes dangerous), and I would read the campus police blotter and see stories of people losing control of their bowels, among other things. No thanks.

Alcohol is by definition a poison, and I don’t want that in my body. I also certainly don’t need another depressant in my system; I don’t think I would have graduated from undergrad had I been drinking, and I could well have endangered my health, safety, and life. I basically lost touch with reality by the end of those four years, and I was very unhealthy, unhappy, and in terrible shape- stone cold sober. Alcohol also can seriously age the user, and it’s expensive, I don’t want to be beholden to even more corporations, and as much as I want to gain weight, I don’t want it to all go to my midsection. The Harvard study linked in my OP mentions how devastating alcoholism really is.

Regarding caffeine, I was addicted to it as a kid. I thought that was disgusting, and I gave it up. I’m so much healthier now than I was in childhood.

I gradually became vegetarian over several years. I don’t want to deal with cholesterol problems, and the meat industry is a horrible, horrible thing. Eating less meat is a great way to lower one’s carbon footprint.

Davey Havok has some great things to say about being straight-edge right here.

The one I’ve been on for a couple of years now doesn’t seem to be doing the job, at least not all of the time.

Yeah, but I’m wondering how long ago it was that I found much of anything appealing. I had band practice earlier this evening, and as excited as I am about our direction, I wonder about how much I really enjoy it, and how much I’m just using it as a vehicle for my duty to spread political/societal/personal messages, as well as my desire to look cool and attractive and appealing.

I’ve definitely been much worse in the past, or at least far more unhappy and troubled. Also, I have found things that light my fire, but they aren’t really enjoyable, if that makes sense.

In the particular scenarios I was mentioning, they were, in fact, watching and judging me. I get your larger point, certainly, and I’ve been attempting CBT for a long time now.

9

I sort of understand. I felt this way myself not too recently. I did, and do eat meat, but try to eat healthy. I did smoke me some weed, fairly often and always thought it was doing ME no harm, helped to keep my B.P. down and make lifes bummers more tolerable.
What I did to change my condition was and is still the same. I stopped reading or listening to the news, stopped giving a shit about world events I have no control over. I stopped smoking weed, started taking 4000 i.u. of vitamin D3 a day. Seems to work well as an antideppressant for me. I take vitamin B for some energy. I also read the book “The War of Art”. I’ve read a lot of books over the years intended to help one overcome depression. Cognitive Therapy stuff and so on. Way too talky. This book was different somehow, for me. Succinct and to the point, doesn’t belabor each point with endless anecdotes about “Bill S.” or some made up person.
I’m getting older now, 62, and look for good stuff around me. I honor my skills and abilities by focusing on what I do best, not what other people think. ('Cause you know, they don’t think, at least not about you. They think about themselves.)I don’t procrastinate any more, and I’ve learned to adopt what I call “The King of the Gypsys” attitude. I carry myself with self assurance, but without false pride. I do what I need to do to fulfill my obligations without feeling like I somehow should be exempt from them. I separate my soul from the malice in the world.
Anhedonia ain’t hopeless as far as I’m concerend, but it doesn’t screw around either. It will always be hiding, lying in wait for you. Kick it in the balls and while it writhes on the ground in pain, laugh at it and walk on. It only has the power over you that YOU GRANT IT.

be well

10

Mention to your therapist that your antidepressant is no longer working. May be time for a change in dose–or an entirely new medication.

You’ve mentioned that you don’t feel like you’ll live much longer. And your therapist sounds concerned about your potential for self-harm. I can’t say that alcohol or drugs are a “good” solution to any problem. But they’re a better, more temporary solution than suicide. And if you were to hypothetically decide to kill yourself at some point in the future, engaging in risky behaviors instead (like drinking alcohol or smoking weed) are vastly lesser harms.

I’ve been in your shoes. Thankfully, I got better. Alcohol didn’t solve problems for me–I found 1-meditation and 2-working on my emotional network of family/friends to be vastly more helpful in the long run. But, in the short run, what alcohol can do (taken in moderation [usually]) was make me feel good when I wasn’t feeling much of anything at all. And it’s better to feel good and hurt your liver a little than to feel nothing, leading to despair, leading to thoughts of self-harm. Alcohol isn’t good for you, but it’s better than being dead inside or dead for real. It helped me get outside of my own head, which might be exactly what you need right now. Or maybe not, I’m not a doctor. I think medical professionals tend to frown on prescribing liquor and fun. :slight_smile:

I’ve been to the dark side and back myself, feel free to PM. Good luck on your journey.

11

Alcohol is a depressant in the sense of being a sedative, it depresses the nervous system but doesn’t make you depressed per se. I just mention it because I’ve seen people say that before.

And I hate to say this but if you really are depressed to the point of feeling like you won’t live much longer, well at this point what do you have to lose right? Go take a random vacation, try a beer or some drinks or smoke a joint, go out to a club, get a dog, hell go out and have some casual sex or hook up. Again you say you don’t want to poison your body, but if you won’t live much longer what do you have to lose?

I’m saying if you are at that point you might as well experience some fun before you go right?

EDIT:I’ve been where you are right now and I realized I had nothing to lose, this fatalism was liberating to me and I just decided to let go of all my opinions and things I “knew” I hated. And just started living life like I had nothing to lose, and it helped. I’m sorry if this sounds trite but it really helped me to say well fuck it if I’m going to die anyway I might as well experience this stuff before I go just for the hell of it.

12

I put it that way because, in the famous study to which I linked, the researchers concluded that human ties make all the difference. Presumably, if I’m never able to make any (or only make very few and very tenuous) human ties, because I’m not much fun, I won’t live very long or very well. I’m not referring to imminent self-harm.

13

If you think you’re putting up barriers to interacting with people, alcohol helps lower those. Exercise is also great. It stimulates your endorphins and makes you feel better about the way you look, which can lubricate social interactions.

The way I see it, you’ve gotta do something different. What you’ve been doing so far isn’t working. To keep doing it would be the *definition *of futility.

14

I just want to thank you for mentioning this book. I’ve decided to read it. The only thing that has gotten me through my current depression is the novel I’m working on, so I have to believe this book has something meaningful to say to me.

I used to suffer from severe depression, and then for two years I was virtually depression free, a thing I can only attribute to daily, vigorous exercise and improved nutrition. Then I had a miscarriage in September and I’ve had a pretty significant relapse owing to the lack of self-care that has resulted.

So to the OP I would say, anhedonia is not hopeless. You can fight your way out of it. But you have to fight.

15

Don’t assume that’ll be the case. Strike out to change it. Give yourself a lot of slack - a whole year even. In a whole year you can probably bond with a few more people and make your existing bonds a little less tenuous.

One thing you can definitely assume - If you have been severely depressed for a long time, have limited connections to other people, and do nothing to build new relationships, you’ll continue to be alone. It won’t happen if you don’t do anything about it, but it’s never too late to start.

Even a couple close relationships can make a big difference and you don’t need to be *fun *to have them.

16

I think I tried maybe six different medications before I found the one that worked for me. Two years is a long time to be on something that doesn’t work for you. Don’t quit trying, it may just take a bit. But I think you’ll feel a little better knowing you are working toward an improvement.

One thing I heard recently; Just because you feel broken doesn’t mean everything in the world is. It kind of puts a limit on the problem, that you shouldn’t let it reach every corner of your life. Peace to you and don’t quit trying.

17

The only thing I can speak to that hasn’t already been addressed is the no-self harm contract with your doctor.

If your doctor believes you are a danger to yourself or others, he can prevent you from leaving his office and impose a 72-hour hold. He can also send the police to your door for the same purpose. The threat of suicide is not taken lightly.

It took years for me to get a med cocktail that really works. I still don’t find my world to be all warm and fuzzy, but I don’t berate myself for not finding happiness in much of what other people do. I take my happiness in tiny bites when it comes along and the rest of the time just is what it is.

18

She’s not a doctor, and there was no talk of anything like you describe, though I was aware that sort of thing happens. She did inform me of my options to call crisis hotlines, and go to the hospital myself, both of which I knew about. In any case, I signed the contract with honesty, because I’m not in any such danger.

19

Anhedonia … hopelessness. You gonna mention changes in appetite or sleep next?

Part and parcel of depression is the distortion that there is no reason to hope that it will get better. Someone I love deeply has had episodes of severe depression. She’s gotten better each time but her believing there was reason for hope? By the time she had that each time she was nearly better.

I do not know if you are depressed or just not finding the things that rock your boat. But if depressed, depression is treatable. Finding the treatment that works can be hard but is achievable.

20

Lemmy, please see about getting professional help. It’s not hopeless, and it can make all the difference in the world.

Also, people, reccomending alcohol, to treat depression is one of the worst ideas I can think of. Especially since the guy has never drank before – his tolerance level will be at about 0.

No, alcohol isn’t poison, but it’s not something you want to consume when you’re depressed, and it’s definetly NOT a treatment for said depression. Also, if he’s on anti-depressants, it can counteract with them, (at least until you get used to the effects)

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not anti-booze. I like a drink or two every now and then. (I’d drink more if I didn’t have epilepsy, fortunately I have a high tolerance for alcohol.) But in this case, it’s pretty much a recipe for disaster.