More red flags than a Chinese New Year’s parade.
Extract yourself from this situation immediately. And don’t marry people whom you don’t really know.
I would end the marriage the fastest way you can and if you both have a joint checking account I take any money out that you had put in it and remove your name from the account and open your account in another bank . Has he ever physically abused you or threaten too ? You should only have your lawyer talk to him if you’re going through with the divorce and your parents shouldn’t talk to your husband either . I would end this mess the faster and cheapest way. Have you checked out your lawyer to see how good he is . !
A lot of posters are giving “advice” as in “run, as fast as you can.” But it might be more helpful to look at what you’ve said that makes so many of these posters conclude that he is “using” you.
Green card or not, from your OP I see big red flags about your relationship in general. A lot of people place all value of a relationship on “love”. But from my experience, the foundations of what makes a good relationship work/last, along with love, are:
- trust, which leads to open-ness
- communication (perhaps the single most important)
- mutual respect
As you think about the things that are causing you doubt, do you feel your relationship has “adequate” amounts of these characteristics ? I have seen many people “give” on one or more of these aspects out of a desire to “stay” with their partner. And this tends to end up in suffering. All relationships are work in progress, and each of these factors can develop. But what I am hearing is a certain lack of some of “enough” of these fundamentals at the start of your relationship. That maybe you jumped into this marriage a bit too quickly.
Of all the factors, I think communication is the most important. Your comment “When I ask simply what he’s done in a day he calls me nosy” is particularly telling. If he is unable to communicate, even in a rudimentary way about something as mundane as his day, that is a big problem. I am also guessing that you are unable to even voice your concerns, doubts, questions about how your relationship is going with him. Regardless of the actual concerns, the inability to discuss them and work them out together is a huge red flag.
His behavior sounds like he is a “controller”: starts out very sweet, but once you are “committed”, he starts to enforce his will and diminish your say. You hear about this type of things with pimps “recruiting” their girls. It’s a form of brainwashing in a way.
+1, Like, agree, etc. I smell a rat.
Might want to finish the thread before posting. Please see post #25.
To all thread participants: any further accusations of such will generate warnings.
Bit of a broad brush there- I know married couples where one is Muslim and the other is not, my former boss included. He wasn’t especially observant, had the attitude of ‘Religion’s religion, and most of it’s the same’ and the kids were being brought up with some vague Christianity-Islam hybrid. The marriage was going through a bit of a rough spot when I left, but they’d been together about 15 years at that point, and the issue wasn’t even slightly religion related.
If everyone involved is reasonable and willing to compromise, it can work fine. Problem is, this guy doesn’t sound either of those things.
It sounds like the green card issue is the least of the OP’s problems.
This makes sense. I kept trying to chalk things up as maybe cultural differences, or age difference or even maturity differences. There have been fights before earlier in the relationship when trying to gain clarity on some of our issues, in which whatever he explained did make sense and left me questioning myself. However, now more than ever I am feeling that things really aren’t right here. No matter how much I love this man, he no longer seems genuine - and even if he is then he has some serious issues that he’s refusing to accept and deal with. I agree with you that a lot of people place all the value in the relationship on ‘love’. I did rush into this marriage because I didn’t want to lose him, I became attached to him very quickly and didn’t want him to go back to his country at that time. It’s getting more complicated as time goes on now. He’s starting to say that he’s just going to call and tell my parents everything, since I’m too afraid to (He had me give him my parents cell numbers before I moved in case he wasn’t able to get in touch with me). I was hoping that I would be able to find a way to deal with this on my own, but it seems like ultimately I will have to get help from my parents because I think I lack the means of handling this myself now.
Time to beat him to it. Gives him one less piece of control over you. Be the apologetic little girl and confess the situation. Whether you tell him or not that you told them is up to you. How often does he contact you?
They will hopefully have a bit of maturity and a few more resources to help you out. Churches have some resources available also if you or your parents are still connected.
PoppaSan,
We talk daily.
Breaking down your post into the things I find most pertinent:
1 - I didn’t tell my family that we got married - I was afraid of a negative reaction from them. … He never told his family about me, or that he got married (his reason being that he wants me to become the best version of myself so that they would approve of me).
Neither of you is secure enough in the relationship to tell your parents the truth. And “the best version” of yourself is the version he wants.
2. He refuses to add me on any of his social media accounts (reason being that there were relationship issues regarding social media in the past and he wants to avoid that again) - When I ask simply what he’s done in a day he calls me nosy - He gets angry if he senses any indication that I’m doubting him or don’t trust him.
Controlling your access to people is classic abusive behavior.
- (H)e is trying to make me a better person. He’s encouraging me to grow and become better.
Again, he’s trying to make you into someone he wants you to be. Not that self-improvement is bad, but you need to want to improve for yourself, not for someone else.
- He’s also been a tad bit possessive - although claiming not to be jealous at all - but he has yelled at me before for glancing in the direction of other brown men
Again, abusive-type behavior.
- It concerns me that when he gets angry at me about anything - he resorts to name calling and abusive language - yet continually tells me that I’m immature. He’s threatened to leave multiple times, yet hasn’t. This concerns me the most.
Another abusive move - pushing your buttons to modify your behavior so your goal is to please him, because you’re afraid of how he’ll behave if he’s unhappy.
- He, not being able to work, and I - only working a part time job -couldn’t afford to live anywhere. I’ve also come into a lot of debt trying my best to provide for him.
You’re straight being used, here. You’re supporting this man you aren’t even living with, whom you’re embarrassed or afraid to tell your parents about. If this was “true love”, you’d be proud of it. If he’s threatening to tell your parents, what would he do if you told his?
I’m sorry, in my opinion, you’re being used and abused. Where is the equality in this relationship?
Ask yourself - if this was your best friend telling you all these things, what would your advice to her be?
StG
Thank you.
Fair enough!
This relationship is in it’s infancy & is already abusive. It will only get worse. I agree with everyone who has said to get out asap.
“If you walk through a forest of red flags to be with someone, be prepared to be beaten with every single one of those flags on the way out.”
- me, about my marriage, but good advice here too.
Good advice for life in general.
He’s not undocumented. He’s got documents. They’re just not valid. What he is is a criminal who knows he’s committing a crime. Tell him to go home to his own country, because that’s what the law says.
Hey everyone. Its all good now. This fight was a result of a fight i had with my husband and i got drunk and greatly exaggerated the content of this post. Now they wont delete it. Oops lmao. Have a nice day y’all lmao
Stay sober!
Post #58 strikes me as nonsensical compared to the OP’s other posts, and has a noticeably different style to it. I suspect it’s from someone else, perhaps the husband who has managed to further isolate her.