Black Mirror: Bandersnatch notwithstanding.
Dorothy Parker didn’t know everything.
All I know is it’s better than jigsaw puzzles for killing time.
Either you’re really good at jigsaw puzzles or this is the most absurd humble-brag ever.
Nope. Nope, nope, nope. When it’s bad it can be utterly terrible.
Whether it’s fantastic, good, meh, or awful depends on the person having it, who they’re having it with, and the circumstances.
Well, if the pizza was so terrible, why didn’t you throw it out immediately? Instead, it’s still there in the morning.
I think the most important thing about sex is to relax and enjoy yourself… Ok, the two most important things about sex are to practice “safe sex” whenever appropriate. Follow manufacturer’s instructions. Seriously. And to relax and enjoy yourself.
Ok, the three most important things about sex are -
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Find a partner who is LEGALLY able to give consent and who is similarly inclined. (likes what you like).
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Safe Sex.
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Relax & Enjoy yourself.
Ok. Maybe we’re starting to understand how mind-bogglingly complex sexual behaviour can be.
Generally speaking, don’t freak out too much if things don’t go perfectly. I’m not talking about criminal behaviour. I’m talking about the typical things that happen to remove the magic. Very few people have avoided the experience of waking up the next day wondering how in the world they ended up in a bed with That Person. Just learn from it & don’t do it again.
Be prepared to go to the Emergency Room. This happens more times than I think is generally appreciated. Again, please, don’t panic. Just seek professional advice. I don’t care what weird thing you’ve invented. They’ve seen it before & won’t give you a bunch of trouble about it.
Be prepared for your pets to be extremely interested. Dogs are naturally curious. They want to go outside with you. They want to go for car rides. They will want to know what you are doing. If you don’t lock them out of the room, you might get a cold nose or a rough paw in just the wrong place at just the wrong time.
Is sex worth all of the trouble? Most of the time. I am glad for having given it a whirl.
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, “masturbate”. I thought you said “masticate”. I’ve had strong urges to eat, multiple times a day. But actually I rarely think it might be fun to share the experience with someone else because this is MY food!
Hey, I didn’t order that pineapple anchovy jello pizza in the first place!
Some people think eating is too much of a hassle, the enjoyment they get out of it isn’t worth the effort. They wish the food-pill-future envisioned in midcentury science fiction had come to pass.
Other people will gladly pay thousands for a couple of mouthfuls from a three star restaurant.
Sex is similar some people find it mind-blowing, some are just asexual. How much you enjoy different parts that can make up sex might give you an idea where on the scale you lie. How much do you enjoy various orgasms from masturbation? (Yes, they can vary.) How much do you enjoy intimacy? How much do non-intercourse intimate contact with a desirable human turn you on?
And people can be mistaken about where they are on the scale because they’re “doing it wrong”. By which I mean, they haven’t found the things that really excite them, but only do things they think they ought to enjoy. But for some sex just isn’t that big a thing.
It was important in my 20s, now in my 30s, it’s not worth all the trouble (endless list)
“Sex: the expense is damnable, the position is ridiculous, and the pleasure fleeting.”
– Samuel Johnson
Really? I didn’t figure you for a guy a day over 68.
No one ever does. But then it calls you drunk at 1am, all hot and free at your door in 20 minutes. So you’re all, “I could eat…” But the next morning you just want to throw yourself into a pond and to get the smell out of the upholstery.
Or – opinion at least attributed to another English man of letters, Evelyn Waugh: “I don’t understand why people make such a fuss about sex; I’d rather have to go to the dentist, any day.” Mind you, though, Waugh was (1) a devout Catholic, (2) misanthropic, and (3) weird.
Obligatory link to one of my favorite moments in Pushing Daisies: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdD13eYjdKU
“Earth-shattering?”
I dunno. If you’ve ever seen the movie Juno, there’s the scene where the Ellen Page character and the Michael Cera character go “all the way” for the first time. The expression on Cera’s face when he first enters her is one of shock, and life-changing understanding (I know this because I’m confident that my face betrayed the same reaction when I was deflowered).
But the thing is, you only get that ONCE. The sensation is one that’s worth pursuing several iterations of, but the life-changing bit is one to a customer.* If my Earth had been “shattered” by it, I’m afraid that would have been a reflection of the fragility of my “Earth.”
*DISCLAIMER: This conclusion is based on a survey with a sample size of ONE.
Depends on you. It seems that some people don’t get much out of sex. For me, it is still great after nearly 50 years of it. Always good, sometimes mind blowing.
And by sex remember that it isn’t just the mechanics, it is snuggling naked before and after, it is visual, it is the touch.
And as a bonus we got two great kids out of it.
Smartphone caught you hangin around the soapland, eh?