I think the reason I was cool with this was because I hate for things to be a big production, and this isn’t. Is she the type to WANT a formal date? I think that’s the real question. Me? Nooo. Many women? Yes.
Low-level shyness and a basic level of inhibition should be taken as a “given” for a first date, even for the most extroverted person.
If I had to weigh a restaurant and an outdoor BBQ in terms of “which one am I likely to have somethng embarrassing happen to me”, it would be the latter that woud win. There are just more uncontrolled variables at a BBQ. You’re more likely to eat the wrong thing (diarrhea on a first date = no fun), spill food on yourself, get roped into unpleasant social interactions, fall down and bust your ass in front of people, etc. in that venue, compared to a quiet restaurant where you know what to expect.
I would think it would be easier for you to present yourself the way you want her to perceive you when you’re in a more intimate setting. Friends tend to pull out that “frat boy” personality that doesn’t usually come out until later, when the lurve has been well-established. Also, obnoxious friends can be a turn-off. A girlfriend will overlook an obnoxious friend if she’s already gotten to know you. But if the obnoxious friend is the first thing she sees, then that will make a lasting impression. And even if your friends are fine, she will lump all people at the shindig together as “friends”. Including the great grand aunt who won’t stop complaining about all those damn fill-in-the-blanks ruining the country.
I wouldn’t even risk messing things up by asking her to go. Because she might be tempted to go along out of sheer politeness, when really she’d much rather go somewhere else. Being disappointed right off the bat ain’t a good way to get things started.
I’m pretty out-going but I wouldn’t want to do this. Plus, I’d feel put on the spot if you asked me. If I said No, I’d rather not, would you think I’m too shy or too snooty? If you make me feel uncomfortable right from the start I might say Sorry, I can’t make it, even if you then suggest doing something else. First dates can be wonky enough without the extra pressure. Who needs it?
I agree it’s not even a date. Do it or don’t do it but don’t consider it a date at all. That’s how I’d phrase it to her if you were going to ask at all, “Hey before we go on our first date together, how would you feel about hanging out with my best friend and a couple other folks for a BBQ? He’s hosting it the same day we both happen to have a free day together and thought I’d throw it out there.”
But don’t consider it a first date at all please >_< I agree that if you did, it shows poor judgment on what you consider to be a date.
First dates are about spending time with your date, not your friends.
Out of curiosity, is this like ribs & chicken BBQ? Or just hot dogs and hamburgers. I only ask because you may want to consider that BBQ can sometimes be a messy affair and she may not want to be covered BBQ sauce on a first date with you.
Just a thought.
interesting POV
most people disagree with me (in post #2) and they made good points
I still think the best thing is to talk to her about it
Please don’t even mention it as a possibility.
If you and she were in the same group and both new all present? Especially not then.
This is a first date - it is about the two of you, not (for her) about meeting strangers.
The two of you should be alone together, not mingling in someone’s back yard.
Once you become a couple, you can do “couple things”. As a couple.
As a first date? no. really. no.
I disagree with this. It sounds like the cliched non-date date. You know where you want to ask somebody out on a date but you’re afraid to get rejected so you sort of suggest the two of you do something together.
The only way this can be even partially plausible is if it’s something that both of you were doing independently, like “You’re going to game Sunday? So am I. You want to ride together and save on parking?” But even then it can be a little sketchy.
In this case, there’s not even a figleaf. There’s obviously no way this woman would be going to this BBQ on her own - she doesn’t even know the people hosting it. The only reason she would be going is because she’s accompanying the OP. So it’s a date.
Nitpick: Wouldn’t “future ex-wife” have been clearer?
(Actually, I know a guy who introduced his new girlfriend as “future ex-wife” so perhaps that would also be ambiguous. I’d suggest “then-future ex-wife” but I never know where to put the hyphen in such a phrase.)
I would say “my now ex-wife”.
Update?
Despite all you guys’ sage advice, it wound up being a weird first date anyway.
Our date started two hours late because she had a small emergency at work. We had a late dinner (10pm), we sat at the restaurant talking for some time. During the course of our conversation, I told her I’ve got a bunch of shows recorded at my house that will probably take me forever to watch.
Since these were all shows she’s been wanting to see, she suggested we go back to my place and watch them instead of going out for drinks. (I could tell she was tired from work.)
So we sat on my couch and watched TV, until she eventually passed out (Heh, she snores). I then threw a blanket on her and retreated to my bedroom.
Next morning she thanked me (along with a nice kiss) and we plan on going out again.
You’re right. That is a weird first date.
It sounds unusual, but I find it very encouraging! She liked you enough to go to your place. She trusted you enough to fall asleep there. You confirmed her trust by leaving her alone to sleep. She wants to see you again. I may not have been on the dating seen since the Carter administration, but I think you had a great first date!
That does indeed sound like a successful first date. Congratulations and best wishes for the future! 
Don’t wait too long to ask her out again!
odd date, maybe, but good sounds like - hurray!! 
dancing banana
I agree; this sounds great!
That’s basically how my last first date went, and we’ve been together for 8 months now.