Oh, no, I think the joke perfectly captures the contemporary zeitgeist, while at the same time revealing something about you in a novel and inventive way.
Or, maybe none of those things that makes a comic successful. Not sure, could be either one.
All of them relate to John Irving, which is kind of the joke. But as I said, I think I seriously overestimated the general familiarity with his canon of work.
I guess I just have to wait for the roast of John Irving to deploy this joke.
I’ve read almost all of Irving’s books, and I have to say, I still didn’t get the joke until I read the above-quoted explanation.
So that should tell you something.
mmm
You’re betting off making a joke about whacking off to the female skiers of another nation’s Olympic team, then feeling guilty about it because it seemed so unpatriotic.
I’ve read two of Irving’s books and I don’t recall skiing in either. Wrestling and Austria were in both.
You might be better off going for something more intellectual than Spankin’ The Monkey.
Unless you’re hoping to find an audience that’ll yell “Show us how it’s done, guv’nor!” “Yeah, give us a lit’le peek atcher wankin’ yer bell end!” “C’mon, knob jockey!” “Yeah, have a fap, ya gormless tosser!”
That doesn’t seem odd at all to me in regards to a stand-up routine, but maybe I just see weird stand-up and open mic nights. To me, the joke is just way too esoteric.
I didn’t get the joke at all.
That being said…is successful comedy really just standing on stage and telling a list of one-liners? I mean, you could tell this joke. And nobody would get it, or two people would get it, but then you can use it as a launching pad to talk about how weird you are or how weird John Irving is or about the Olympics or skiing or anything.
And you can just BE funny, and tell stuff in a funny way, or talk about funny things. I mean, your post #6 up there has the making of a funny story. Riff on that, right?
I was trying to figure out if a random sampling of a group of people with pretty good taste who are pretty smart (this board) would get the joke. The answer is no, full stop.
If I didn’t already have a gut feeling that it was too arcane of a reference, I wouldn’t have asked, so this is just confirming what my instincts already suspected. It’s fine. There are a lot of other jokes.
Jacquernagy seems to have considerable gorm. 
…my first thought when I read the OP was “John Irving? isn’t he the holocaust denier?” And I read the joke in that context, and it didn’t make the joke any funnier.
That would be David Irving. And my lord does his picture look exactly what you’d expect a Holocaust denier to look like.
Be a character in a Wes Anderson movie instead.
Maybe that’s why I’ve never read any John Irving novels. It’s the same reason the only Woody Allen movie I like is the one he doesn’t appear in.
I was whacking off to a sex scene in a John Irving novel, when I noticed my arms getting numb, and I suddenly realized I was a character in a John Irving novel. I think the title was “The Mandelbrot Set.”
Sometimes.
Here’s a link of Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright clips interspersed.
It feels like you are channeling Dennis Miller and Louis CK, but only managed to get ‘obscure’ and ‘creepy discussion of personal habits’ instead of the funny parts of either.
Now, I don’t want to go on a rant here, but America’s foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it’s like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
I have heard there is nothing worse than a joke written by a committee, but since that seems to be what is happening here – I have a few thoughts to contribute.
First, you can make the whole joke more palatable by changing one word which is not (in my opinion) a more funny word than the word I suggest: “I was fantasizing about ….”. For those who are okay with masturbation jokes, the meaning will be pretty much the same, but for those who would be offended, that word selection can allow them to believe it is only a mental exercise and does not refer to any disgusting touching of one’s own body in any offensive manner.
Secondly, you missed - - - well, you were not specific about the first point of your list from post #6, the weird neurotic guy’s sex issues are usually concerning incest (and my what a funny topic THAT is) in John Irving books. (more below)
Third, the premise is not clear enough. I wondered if there had been some actual news story I had missed concerning world class skiers being attacked by a bear. The way the joke you first presented is framed made me think it was about a true life event (even though I recognized the elements from Irving) and the joke would have been (if only I knew about this bear attack) about how some obscure John Irving plot was realized in real life.
Fourth, there is n opportunity to make it a literary joke and expand it beyond what it is as conceived. How about something more like this:
“So, I was fanaticizing about this superhot alpine skier the other night, and then I dozed off and had a dream about her. I dreamt I saw her on the slopes, and she seemed really familiar to me, we were flirting and having a good time when she saw this bear emerging from the trees. She told me if I wanted to fool around with her I would have to beat the bear in a wrestling match first- which I did (because I am pretty badass in my dreams). So she took me by the hand and led me into the forest for some sex. Yea, that’s right! One of THOSE dreams! But after we started I realized she was my sister and I wondered what the hell was going on! But then she turned into my cousin, so I realized something really weird was going on . . . but you know, my sister and cousin are pretty hot so . . . . Well I hear someone approaching through the trees, and I am concerned the bear is going to reappear - - and the super hot alpine ski champion, oh yea I forgot to mention she was only wearing an Olympic gold medal, keeps changing from my cousin to my sister – back and forth. Well, I look to see what is coming through the trees and Sigmund Freud sticks his head into the clearing and says in his Austrian accent: ‘Hmmm, what were you reading before you fell asleep?’ and that is when I realized I was dreaming I was a character in a John Irving novel.” (pause for laughs) “Which sounds pretty sick, right? But it was AWESOME! (applause) Thank you, thank you.”
“It reminded me of a dream I had a few months ago in which I was a penny pinching business owner in London, who was visited by my dead partner and three other ghosts. I guess I have a significant appreciation for literature, especially English literature. Obviously, I also have a facility for empathizing with a work of fiction, of really inserting myself into the story. You know I love Dickens . . . and Melville . . . Joyce, and Twain. I really get lost in their works. (in sort of a dreamy, admiring voice) of course I love Dickens. Well anyway, a few months ago I dreamt I was Scrooge and it was really frightening for me to face the ghosts of past present and future. Fortunately they were my hot sister, and my two hot cousins – and I banged all three of them!! BOOM! I guess I actually do prefer the John Irving story lines !!”
Now, these are pretty offensive, and I can’t tell a joke at all. But someone who has a good delivery can present these and make them funny (I am sure they could be polished to be funnier using the same premise). I was trying to convey that the joke was over and the second story was really going to be about an appreciation of literature- but then, boom surprise call back and retelling of first joke. One could even tell a little series of these and set up an expectation they are all going to be about incest. Then just when the audience is expecting an “I was banging my hot sister/ cousin” - - - instead a bear can appear out of context and ‘bang’ the story teller because he reminds the bear of his hot cousin. It would turn the tables and make the speaker the victim which should be funny too (because it is always funny when the victimizer becomes the victim). Actually, the absudity of the premise and the fact it isn’t really happening, but is a dream should make it clear there is no victim- but some people can find offense in anything.
One could also do a bit where he says he can tell by the response of the crowd that they are uncomfortable. And then could deconstruct the joke further by saying: “Now don’t worry, there is nothing inappropriate with these stories, no coercion or anything… my hot cousins WANT to bang me (to have sex with me), that is why they so look forward to the holidays when the whole family gets together.
[Moderating]
On review of the OP’s other posts, it looks like he might be trying to push the limits on the whole “just what is degrading to women” issue that’s gotten so much discussion of late. That being the case, and this thread having gotten about as much productive outcome as it’s likely to anyway, I’m just going to close this.