I agree, going out to murder someone and then set fire to the club and then staying at a strangers house because she was hiding from the cops prior to the bank job in the morning is definitely irresponsible.
Oh, wait, what??? That may not have happened? WHAT? are you kidding me? The OP CLEARLY states that she went out - what ELSE could possibly have happened if she went out? Isn’t this the only reason why people go out?
So she’s going out, getting trashed and when she gets back she’s telling you that she slept at a friend’s house? Yeah, dude, I wouldn’t blame you if you were super suspicious. I’d be.
There might be more to it than that, but based on what you’ve said that’s my response.
Time to talk with the wife, preferably with a counselor. Venting is all well and good, but doesn’t accomplish anything. Take the next step and DEAL with the situation maturely.
If I were a full-time caretaker of a young child day and night, fluff, yes, I’d party on weekends. :\
Parenting doesn’t allow for weekends off.
Here’s an example: when my daughter was very young, she’d stay at her grandmother’s overnight every couple of weeks, where she had her own room and got to know the extended family, and I’d go into London and stay with friends and acquaintances. There weren’t many places to go out where I lived, certainly none that were gay-friendly, I don’t drive, and public transport stopped around 11pm; considering most things started at 8-9pm and the journey was close to two hours, leaving at 11 was far from ideal and generally required overnight babysitting anyway.
This only started when she was three years old; never socialising for three years was starting to really get me down, which, trust me, did not make me a better mother.
Apparently some of you think that makes me a terrible mother. I should have spent those midnight hours with my daughter instead, I guess.
If you plan well, it bloody well does. Even if you don’t plan well, there’s still a chance for a last-minute babysitter.
If I thought that procreating would doom me to be chained to a bassinet in a nursery until my kid hit elementary school, there’s no way I’d ever have a kid.
Sorry, but if you have the means or the necessary drive, “parenting” (I would even argue “good parenting”) allows for whatever the hell you can make work for your family.
Of course it does, and should. A parent chained to their child, surpassing any personal needs or socializing does not make for happy kids. Three out of the last four weekends does sound excessive, but I’ve been in the shoes of being a stay-at-home-mom of a 1-year-old who wants only Mommy numerous times during the night, and it’s extremely exhausting. I did a much better job of it precisely because I (along with my supportive husband) made sure that this was balanced with both of us having time away from the kids, sometimes together, sometimes just one of us out with our friends. And for me, yes that sometimes means going to see a band play at a club with a bunch of women (some of whom I may not have known as well as others), followed by drinks and chatting at one of the homes, followed by spending the night so nobody had to drive home after drinking. There were a few nights before my littlest started sleeping well through the night that my husband didn’t get much sleep, but a) he was fully supportive of this, b) hell, the rest of the time it was me not getting much sleep, and c) there’s no lasting harm in a kid having to learn that sometimes it’s Daddy who comes in to comfort you in the night. Having parents who are supportive of each other, who are able to balance having some time of their own with caring for Junior, and who are happier because of it is much, much healthier for everyone involved than insisting that a mother must always be within arm’s reach of her offspring and never have any adult interests or moments. Granted, this story does sound like multiple parts of that equation are missing, but your blanket statement is frankly frightening.
No, it actually doesn’t and shouldn’t.
Both parents should be in the same building as their children at all times? Going out for dinner, for a jog, to a movie, to a party, for coffee with a friend, to the gym, drinks after work, a weekend away, a concert, a class, these are all things only bad parents do? It is unhealthy for the child if his parents do these things? It is better for him to be with both parents every moment of every day?
No, parenting doesn’t allow for “weekends off” in that you don’t get to turn off your child’s needs while you go party. But do you truly feel that if the child is being well-cared for in your absence, even by the other, loving parent, you are still doing him a disservice to do something of your own for a few hours?
Seriously, please tell me what you’re talking about?
I was only saying it’s bullshit that parenting takes weekends off. It doesn’t. The kids have the same needs on the weekends as every other day. Going out and getting trashed is not something the parent needs to to do. If going out and getting so fucked up you can’t make it home and have to pass out at a stranger’s house is of paramount importance to you, don’t have kids.
Rustin, have you talked to your wife about why she goes out and parties all night and crashes at strangers’ houses so often? If she needs to get out and socialize regularly, there are many ways to do it that don’t involve clubbing all night and crashing at strange places.
I agree that the situation described in the OP is really terrible and suggests some deep problems that need to be resolved as well as a very casual attitude toward parenting that is disturbing.
But you seem to be extrapolating from that that parents should never leave their kids overnight, not even with the other parent. Is it ok for a mom to spend the weekend with her mother once or twice a year? Is it ok for a parent to ever travel for business?
Agreed. But leaving your child with your spouse while you are occasionally out doing something non-kid-related (whether it’s a book club or a night of boozing, who cares?) presumably means their needs are being met as well as if you yourself were there. Like I say, I agree that putting your needs first is long over once kids come along, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be a sensible, perfectly healthy balance met that absolutely can include the occasional night out on the town without making one a bad parent.
I think we really need to know how old rustin and his wife are. How long had they been together before she got pregnant? Were they committed to each other before the pregnancy, or did the baby force the relationship into a marriage that neither of them was truly looking forward to? Are the friends that the wife parties with all single without kids? And why is going out drinking and passing out at someone else’s home the only option this woman considers for her time out?
My parents used to go out on weekends and even gasp for a WHOLE WEEK and leave us with a sitter.
I’m stunned that you would find anything wrong with that at all. Most kids actually like it when mom and dad go away for the evening and they get to hang out with the sitter because they’re cool and let you stay up late and eat chips and watch questionable movies.
Your poor, poor wife.
Can one be a good parent and go out on the town, while your spouse cares for the child, sometimes staying out all night?
Yes.
Certainly.
Can one be a good spouse and do the same?
Yes- if you have agreed in that this is OK with both of you, not if you haven’t.
Irishfella goes out probably once a month with his friends- all male, all single, all childless. Alcohol is consumed, and many times he stays over, either because the party goes on until the early hours, or because he’s going to another town an hour away, where most of our friends live.
I’m fine with it, our daughter is fine with it, our marriage is solid.
I want him to have fun with his friends, and I enjoy my occasional evenings alone. I trust him, and have never had reason not to in our 6 years of marriage or the 4 years we were together before that.
Irishbaby is cared for by me while he is out and since she sleeps from 8pm-8am, there really isn’t much active parenting necessary.
Sure, the odd time daddy isn’t there when she wakes up, the odd time one of her “uncles” will have slept on our couch and sometimes we’ll go out for brunch with 5 or 6 of daddy’s friends- but I’m not entirely sure how that is detrimental to her wellbeing.
The difference seems to be that we have discussed what is OK and what is not OK - irishfella checks that these nights out suit me, tells me in advance if he plans to stay over, and calls me to wish me good night, and again first thing in the morning. I have the numbers of our friends, in case I need to get hold of him and can’t get through on his phone.
Nights out with the boys have always been a part of his life- I wouldn’t take that away from him, and I don’t feel threatened or upset by them.
Rustin if you do feel upset/threatened/let down/betrayed by your wife- speak to her.
At the end of the day, this isn’t about what other people think is acceptable in a healthy relationship, it is about what YOU think is acceptable in YOUR relationship.
However, coming from the position that only bad wives and bad mothers ever go to nightclubs…it’s a bit judgy.
This, thanks. 
Now here’s a debate I can get in to!!!
Yes it does and yes it should. So there.