I’ve always heard the surrealist one as…
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to fill the bathtub with colorful hand tools.
Abolute Zero Gravity - out of print, but fun if you can find it.
I like to draw the chemical diagram for a benzene ring, but put iron atoms at each of the corners.
It’s a ferrous wheel!
I always liked:
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound
I’ve heard this one, but the version I heard had a fourth:
“You’ve all got it wrong,” chimes in the fourth, “In England there exists at least one sheep that is black on at least one side some of the time.”
Not really a joke, but it cracked me up and no one ever gets it, so I’ll put it here in the hope that it will be truly appreciated.
One Sunday in church, I opened the program to see that the weekly inspirational-type thought was:
“Clear your mind of can’t.”
–Samuel Johnson
Am I the only one who doesn’t get the Phillip Glass knock knock joke? I tried googling him. The closest thing I could find was Philip (only one “L”) Glass, who is a composer. Is that who you’re talking about? If so, what’s the “knock knock” connection? Is he known for boringly repetitive music? If it’s not him, then who are you talking about?
That’s him, and you got it exactly. Well done.
Heisenberg may have slept here…
Schroedinger cuts waves down to psis…
Is there an easy way to save this thread? There’s some great material here!
One for the Computer Scientists among us
Niklaus Wirth, the Swiss computer science guru, once commented that in Europe his name was pronounced correctly without sounding the final h, i.e. “Wirt”. In the US however his name was normally spoken as “Worth”.
This he stated showed that Europeans call by name whereas Americans call by value
Down at the bottom of the page is a link called “Show Printable Version”. This brings up a stripped-down version of the thread and there is a link at the top right of that page which says something like “show all posts on one page”. If you click that link and then hit File-Save As from your drop down list you’ll have it all on one cute page.
Enjoy,
Steven
i’ve been saving this joke my husband had sent me for the longest time. at last, an audience who is deserving …
After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the
bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the
belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety-five church steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them
asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”.
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied,
"but his face rings a bell"
WAIT! WAIT!
There's more!
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very
belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell
he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this latest tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
“What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.
“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, but…"
(. . . Wait for it ...)
(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)
"He's a dead ringer for his brother."
Exeunt, stage left, post haste
What form of STD does an alchemist get?
Herpes Trismegistus!
My benzene ring has a famous car emblem attached.
It’s Mercedes Benzene!
This is a groaner:
Two art thieves are captured when their vehicle stalls as they are leaving the museum with the paintings. As they are being arrested the police ask them what happened and they said, “we are Baroque, we had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh”.
Along the lines of the p jokes, I remember there are some good “proof by” jokes:
http://kml.mipt.ru/knbase/unsrt/proofs.ps
You know it’s an intellectual joke when it’s in postscript.
He was a religious scholar and a mathematician. Before that, he was an existentialist. I’m a math teacher and pretend catholic. I get it. And damn, am I amused.
Mrs. Noah Webster walked into her bedroom to find her husband in bed with his mistress. “Noah,” she cried, “I’m surprised!”
“No,” he replied calmly. “You are shocked. I am surprised.”
As long as this thread’s been resurrected, I might as well add my favorites.
The greatest answering machine message ever: “The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please turn your telephone 90 degrees and try again.”
This one’s a bit longer, but it’s my personal favorite (note: I am nearly done with a math and a physics major).
A physicist thinks she’s come up with a perfect formula to describe an experiment she’s been working onn. But just to make sure, she calls her mathematician friend in to check over her work. He looks everything over and calls her back a week later saying that she is definitely wrong about her formula. She goes back through her notes and finds that everything seems to be working out perfectly. She calls the mathematican back to tell him that she’s quite sure she’s solved her problem with this equation. The mathematician responds, “Sure, in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive!”
The laughs from this joke seem to drop off like an inverse square law with distance from the math building.
A Rational Expectations ecopnomist and his friend are walign down the road when the friend spies a $20 bill lying on the side.
“Hey there’s a twenty dollar bill!” exclaims te friend.
The Economist relplies, “No there isn’t.”
Threee econometricians are out hunting. The see a deer and the first fires, missing it ten feet to the right. The second fires and misses it ten feet to the left. The third one exclaims, 'We got it!"