It’s tacky for anybody to include their registry information in the invitation, married or not. I see it more and more these days but that doesn’t make it appropriate.
That right there is a crass, TACKY AS HELL move that indicates this is, indeed, a gift grab. Don’t go.
I don’t know, I think I’d be tempted to go just to see what it’s all about.
Well, maybe. In my book, though, the only purpose of a shower is to “shower” someone with gifts, A shower with only silly part games and bad cake seems to by kind of missing th epoine
Oops, got distracted
“th epoine” should be “the point”
I also meant to mention that I think having a renewal of vows with reception at 10 year anniversary is fine, but trolling for gifts isn’t. I can’t see how having a shower is anything but trolling for gifts.
And now that I think of it, I know a couple who got “married” on their 10th anniversary. Most people knew that it was a renewal of vows, complete with all the wedding trapping because they’d missed out the first time. However, because the husband was a jokester, and because the wife ended up being about 8 months pregnant at the renewal of vows (totally unexpected pregnancy–doctors told her it wouldn’t happen)-- a few people ended up finding it shocking that they got married just barely before baby got born.
Of course, the details may be different, not least because the couple I describe had their ceremony about twenty years before I met them and found out about it.
Exactly. The $150 we normally give is well worth the price of admission to a good ol’ train wreck, although that figure may be adjusted downward.
[hijack]The other day Mrs. Piper and I were watching tv and there was a couple doing a “renewal of vows” ceremony.
She turned to me and said: “We’re never doing that, hear? The first time took and should do us for life.”
This is weird and most probably tacky. I would regretfully decline the shower, and show up without a gift to the wedding and reception, especially if your girlfriend gave them a gift for their wedding ten years ago. Jim and I got married four years ago - should we hit up our family for gifts every anniversary? No way - one wedding gift per couple per marriage.
(I might go as far as getting them a nice card. Maybe.)
I said something very similar to Mr. Neville when his aunt had a “renewal of vows” ceremony.
Yes, of course it’s a greed manoever.
And it just proves that any group of inlaws contains some that are much worse than your sweetie.
But it’s your girlfriend’s call what she wants to attend and or send.
And you interfere with that at your peril. No girlfriend who wants a guy by her side at one of these events will be pleased if you decline “on principle”.
The whole thing is also a little strange to me.
But just clarify, the shower part, that is a bridal shower, right? Not a baby shower? (Normally this thought would never even cross my mind, but given the situation, ???)
Still, as others have said above, the cost of this is gonna far outweigh whatever loot they get, so I guess they’re just going for the whole, ah, “experience.” I just don’t get it, either.
A renewal of vows would be so much nicer…a celebration of their mutual love and commitment.
A woman I used to work with decided to renew her marriage vows after twenty years of marriage. Big hoopla, poofy white dress, flower girls, the whole shebang. The new wedding was held in a public park, so there was plenty of room for guests. The couple sent out hundreds of invitations to coworkers (including people from branch offices whom they’d never met). Worse still, the invitations said “Cash gifts only, please.”
I didn’t go, and I didn’t give.
From a recent Miss Manners column:
If you want to hold more than one wedding, Miss Manners would think that decency required you to hold a divorce in between.
Including registry information really doesn’t make it look good.
You have to go to see the event. However, for gifting, I would make sure to adjust to 1996 standards. $150 in 2006 dollars is 150-? in 1996 dollars. Or give them a 10 year old toaster or fondue pot, preferably used for those 10 years. Maybe a 1996 calendar desk set? Anything that says “you are a little more than tacky for doing this 10 years late”
A vow renewal with party afterwards is fine from an etiquette perspective. Even Miss Manners would agree. Miss M is not so crazy about having a vow renewal too closely resemble a wedding (big white dress, veil, bridesmaids), but she’s cool with a quiet renewal of vows followed by a nice party.
That doesn’t sound like what the people in the OP are planning. They are planning the type of Vow Renewal that is increasingly popular these days among people who feel they missed some never-to-be-missed experience when they skipped a Big White Wedding the first time. Personally, I think this type of Vow Renewal is kind of goofy, but I don’t really object to it on etiquette terms so long as some rules are followed. The people in the OP have violated all those rules.
First, you can’t call it a wedding. Two people who are already married cannot have a wedding. This should have been billed on the invitation as a renewal of vows. If the OP’s girlfriend feels like messing with her cousin, she could call her up and say, “Oh my God! I didn’t even realize that you and Rick had gotten divorced, and here I’ve gotten an invitation to your wedding!”
Secondly, people having a vow renewal need to understand that, despite the white dress and bridesmaids, they are already married. Bridal showers and bachelor/ette parties are not appropriate for married people. Period.
Finally, this is not a wedding, so do not expect wedding gifts. A wedding is generally a gift-giving occasion. In other words, although gifts are never required*, it is customary that most wedding guests will want to give a gift to the bride & groom. In terms of the celebration, a vow renewal is more like an anniversary party than a wedding – and an anniversary is not customarily a gift giving occasion. People do sometimes give gifts to anniversary couples, but they tend to be small tokens, rather than wedding-gift sort of things that require a gift registry. And, under no circumstances ever should a gift registry be mentioned in the invitation. Ever, ever, ever.
It definately looks like the couple in question fell out of the tacky tree and hit every branch on the way down.
[hijack] I understand that even in a real wedding invite, it’s tacky to insert a note saying “The bride is registered at so-and-so”. So, how do you do it? How do you let people know where you’re registered, or how do you find out where the bride is registered? Or is registry itself a no-no?[/hijack]
I understand the desire to have a “White Wedding” when you didn’t get that. We married on the sly, and I’m rather sorry we did - both because we didn’t get to share the day with everyone, and because, frankly, my friends who did do a traditional wedding got a lot of great loot while I’m still cooking on pots and pans from the thrift store seven years into my marriage. But I also understand that it’d be wrong to have a “Wedding” now. It *would *be trolling for gifts, absolutely.
We had a tiny wedding last May - 12 guests, immediate family only.
In our wedding announcements we mentioned that we would be planning a larger celebration in 2006.
We’ll be renewing our vows because many family members are sad that they missed our ceremony. We’ll be having a big party afterwards. But no, we are not having a shower or anything like that.
Yeah, honestly, we would love gifts of course, but they’re not expected, and we’re not registered. (Some people told us last year that they would give us something when we had this celebration).
I think the way your friend(?) is doing this is supremely tacky. Have an anniversary party or something, and renew your vows, and if you want the whole ceremony shebang, then go for it, but don’t register (and for God’s Sake don’t include that on the invite) and don’t have a shower and TELL people that gifts are not expected. Jeez …
My grandparents actually did it three times, at each big mile stone anniversary-25th, 40th, and their 50th. For the last one, we did a Mass with all the grandkids participating as a surprise. But nothing big or formal-it was a private little thing for family only and we just wore dressy, Easter Sunday type clothes. Then a family reunion/picnic type thing afterwards.
The event described in the OP? BEYOND tacky.
Guests who want registry info should call the mother of the bride, or the maid of honor, or someone like that. It’s supposed to be spread by word of mouth. Registries are fine etiquette-wise; they’re intended to assist those who have no idea what the couple might like. You may always give a gift of your own choosing if you wish, however, and the happy couple are hopelessly rude if they complain about receiving non-registry gifts.
The couple in the OP is beyond tacky. I like how Jess put it:
Mr. S and I had a very small wedding, and one of these days we’d like to “re-do” it and have the big party for all our friends, but we sure don’t want gifts and we sure aren’t going to do the white dress ‘n’ stuff. Maybe for our 20th anniversary. Four years to go, I can’t believe it! I’m still 23, right??
Traditionally, the registry details are held with the person who is managing the RSVP’s, so when you phone to RSVP, you enquire as to the register details.
Getting back to the OP, this is tacky beyond belief! However, you MUST go to all events (sans gifts) and report back to us in great detail! 