According to standard etiquette, it is fine to register for wedding gifts. However, that information should only be given to people who ask for it. Most commonly, people ask the parents of the bride and groom, the bridal party, and the bride and grooms themselves about the registry. Then the word spreads out from there. Word of mouth actually works very well.
Some etiquette authorities (Peggy Post, but not Miss Manners) say it’s OK to include registry information in the bridal shower invitations. Others say it’s OK to put the information on a wedding website so long as it isn’t in flashing blue letters at the top of the first page.
Hmm, change “don’t want” to “don’t expect.” Of course we would graciously accept any that were given. I’d probably try to do a “reverse registry” and tell people who ask about gifts to just write us a note in a pretty card.
I don’t really care for being the center of attention (I keep thinking I’ll screw up), so that would be nerve-racking for me.
My mom complained when I didn’t want to put registry cards in my wedding invitations, because “that’s what everybody does”. I ended up deciding it was a battle not worth fighting, and put them in.
God, it is amazing how many tacky people there are in this world.
A second “wedding?” Including registry information with ANY invitation? Second baby showers for a same-sex child within two years (Brooke Shields actually did this- I was stunned. I thought she had more class)?
Lord have mercy.
If we renewed our vows, it would probably be on the beach in front of the house, and a luau for our friends. Gifts? No thank you. “Your presence is the greatest gift we could ask for.” Really, only an excuse for me to get a cool new dress!
Understood. But just by way of being correct, we still do not know if this was a bridal shower or a baby shower.
The first, kinda crapola. But if the second, craptacular. However, we do not know which this is yet, so let’s reserve judgement until we hear from the OP.
“Traditionally” one would write a note to RSVP to an invitation. One does not call to respond to a formal invitation. But one got lazy and now “rsvp cards with stamped envelopes” are de rigueur.
And one *never * expects gifts, for any reason, but is surprised, delighted and grateful when a gift is presented.
Some things are worth fighting for, dear. People remember this crap. :smack:
I am constantly surprised at the depths to which some people are apparently striving to stoop. But other people always feel bullied into going along (like **Anne ** Neville and her mom). And people feel obligated to give gifts, thus rewarding and perpetuating bad behavior.
I would send a nice card, but I agree with **iris rings ** that it’s the girlfriend’s call.
I agree with those who’ve said that asking for gifts is tacky. The purpose of the wedding and shower gifts is (in theory) to provide a new couple with the things they need for living on their own together, which they never would have bought while single. A couple that’s been married for 10 years should either have all that stuff or know that they don’t really need it.
As for the ceremony itself, I’m ok with it. I’ve done several ceremonies where the couple has already been officially married for some time (the only thing that counts here is signing the papers at the town hall, I just wave my arms around for show). In some, they even have their kids taking part. In pretty much every case, the purpose was to have a ceremony where everyone from both families* would arrive and have a true “we’re all related now”-type get-together. If they just tried to invite everyone to a dinner or a party, it would be impossible to get them all to agree on a date or a place, but once you call it a wedding, everyone shuts up and starts picking out what to wear.
*Ordinary weddings usually have lots of friends there, but most of the ‘several years later’ weddings seem to be family-only.
Oh, I know that. In fact, I assume that the shower in the OP is indeed a bridal shower.
I am just disgusted at all the tackiness and lack of manners I am seeing lately, and the multiple baby shower thing really seems to be happening a lot. It’s one thing if you are having children several years apart (and by that I mean 5 or 10…), or you’re totally broke, maybe.
Huh - I’ve never heard of the baby shower thing. Learn something new every day! I assume it’s a relatively new no-no, or that it’s waived if the couple decides not do find out their baby’s gender until birth?
As for the OP, that is terribly, terribly tacky. I love weddings, I had fun planning my own, and I have enough ideas for them that I’d love to have about 5 more. But I won’t, because it’s just not done. We’re already married, so there’s no big celebration, and I certainly couldn’t justify spending that type of money.
Now, I do wish that we had a similar landmark ceremony-type-thing for big anniversaries (like 50th), because that seems like something that should really be celebrated with all the honor and solemness and joy with which weddings are done.
Everyone is talking about the shower (and about showers in general) as if the bride (or mother, in the case of Brooke Shields, et al.) was the one to throw such a thing. Surely this is never done! A shower is thrown by the woman’s friends, who take it upon themselves to shower her with gifts, right? People don’t actually invite other people to shower them with gifts, do they?
Well of course they do. But if we can still manage to be shocked by registry information in an invitation, can’t we be manage to be shocked by this, too?
Yuck! Stay away from this one. The “second marrage” is bad enough but a shower and registery is completely out of bounds.
We just got married by going to the city office, and will be having a party later this month and then on back home during the summer. She had a full household and while I had been living in a furnished apartment, it’s a second marrage for me, so we’re keeping things pretty minimal.
It’s actually fun to tell people that we don’t need anything.
Hi everyone, thanks for all the replies. It is indeed a bridal shower, not a baby shower. The gossip that came in last night is:
Nobody has RSVP’d for the shower.
There are branches of the family that have now stated a refusal to participate.
There is a good chance that we’ll be facing…the dreaded Cash Bar. :mad:
So based off that last one, we know where the reception is going to be held. If I was to perhaps make a phone call to the hall, does anyone think they’ll tell me straight out what the bar plans are? Could I just ask, for the sake of prepairedness?
So they’re already getting the idea that maybe their little plan is kind of dumb (well, I hope so anyway) based on people’s reactions. May I ask when the shower/big event are supposed to take place?
I feel myself moving from Appalled and Aghast into the Go And Tell Us Everything camp. Kind of like Bear Nenno’s wedding from a couple years ago, this is just too tacky to be believed. We need details. And pictures. Lots of 'em.
My inlaws had an open bar for their younger daughter’s reception, but 3/4 of the way through the bartender pulled them aside, telling them they’d gone through the budget alloted for the drinks, and that they’d have to convert to a cash bar for the remainder of the reception.
They werre horrified, then realized how many half empty drinks were sitting around, so they mingled amongst the guests, telling them the situation. I think we were all embarrassed at how much we’d imbibed in three hours.
