Aha. Some how I missed this part of the dynamic earlier. I picked up that she had not made plans for her retirement, but not that she had no income, or that you are living together. So she’s completely dependent upon you financially? And you have no legal commitment (i.e. you’re not married?) Yeah, I can totally see how that leads to her being terrified to speak her mind and just passive-aggressively trying to maneuver a bit of comfort for herself. Basically her whole existence depends upon you wanting her around, and if you get PO’d and decide you don’t want her, she’s homeless?
How long has she been sober? Many people who get addicted to drugs and alcohol basically stop maturing at the age they get dependent upon the chemicals. She may be just beginning to figure out who her “self” is, and what the heck she likes or doesn’t like. She has also probably highly developed skills for keeping enablers, which may well compose the sum total of her relationship skills. She may be unable to say “Hey, I’m a girl. Girls can’t pee on picnics. I need a stop with plumbing and walls, and would much prefer to eat in a bug-free environment.”
If you do take the trip on your own, do you leave her with full cabinets and some spending money? Does she have any weekly money to spend freely, or is every expenditure subject to your agreement? Try to figure out what would be needed for her to be happy and comfortable on her own if you choose to go without her.
And going on the trips without her seems to be what you really want to do. If that’s true, then you need to communicate that directly. Be prepared for her to interpret that as you not loving/being committed to her. Your commitment level is mega-high stakes for her, so be ready to assure and re-assure her over time about this.
I think if you’re pulling the purse strings you need to make it clear that you’re the one in charge and she is there at your pleasure and needs to bring something to the relationship.
So she wanted to eat out every single day (maybe this is why she has no retirement money) on your dime ? Well, make her know that she needs to work for that kind of thing. If she wants you to buy her dinner, perhaps she could cook you a nice dinner in return ?
Likewise if she wants to pick the trip then she needs to do something for you to earn it or she needs to be along for the ride for the trip that you want for your own personal entertainment.
I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but it is your money and not hers and if she is not giving your something in return then that just isn’t fair. You should consider that what if she is using you just for your money ? That would be very hurtful. If it were me I would have a tantrum and refuse to go to a restaurant or if she insisted take her to McDonalds. Then tell her “well if you really want to go then how about YOU pay ?”. She should then learn her place in the relationship pretty quick smart.
I have a relative just like this so I know what I am talking about when I say that she just uses the older men for money then moves onto the next one once they stop spending money on her, it is really sad and abusive what she does to these old men who just want affection.
You could also suggest that she look for part time work. Lots of retired people who as greeters at Walmart of as cashiers or cleaners. That way you can fully support her a lot easier in the knowledge that she is at least making some effort. I think that would be enough to make me happy, because at least she is trying to pay for things. Not everyone can be a high income earner but we should all try to support ourselves and if we can’t then others should help.
I think after 18 years we can presume that she is not just “using” him.
I also think that viewing relationships in so transactional a manner is a recipe for misery. Either you want to share with this person or you don’t. If you don’t, be honest about it so that she can make some plans to fend for herself. (And give her ample warning in order to prepare for it.) If sharing with her comes naturally and feels like a privilege rather than a burden, then you’ve got real relationship potential there.
If you cannot pursue life the way you worked and saved for, in retirement, because you are supporting two, then you need to own that. This is not about the food.
She cannot go back and change the past, plan and save for today. It seems to never prove productive to stand in judgement of another person’s path in life, to me.
If you cannot accept the other’s past errors, and accept who and where they are today, (without wishing it could be otherwise!), you really have no business being in relationship with them. You’re really just stringing them along.Carefully measuring every step, lest you give more than you get.
I too believe that your resentment stems from the score keeping. You might need to decide , for yourself, once and for all, if what you’re giving her, (a roof over her head, food on the table, a lifestyle she would otherwise not enjoy, a holiday, etc.), you are giving freely or not. Or are you bartering for her compliance with your ways?
Consider why a barter system taints her ‘compliance’ with the feel of the repaying a debt. How unpleasant must that seem?
It’s not ‘giving’ if you’re expecting something in return, it’s self interest. Resentment mostly stems from not ‘getting back’ what we feel we’ve ‘earned’, in my experience.
Without using the quotes everyone of you has nailed some aspect of the dynamics in our relationship. It did not evolve in the traditional manner to say the least. I basically spent several years keeping her off the streets after one of her drunks. She has used her looks and great personality to get by most of her life. She has always been good at getting good jobs but seldom could keep one more than 4 or 5 months. Numerous totaled cars, 502 arrests and numerous stays in prison or hospital recovery programs. I was basicaly always just there to keep her off the streets. She is and always has been a very sweet person when sober. Cleans the house spotless every day, always made my lunches, and had a hot meal waiting for me when I got home. She reallyhas been a victim of her alcholism. If it were not for the booz I have no doubt she would be married to some Dr. up on the hill some place.
In the last 6 or 7 years we have grown a lot closer and for some odd reason really do enjoy each other company. So emotionally I have struggled more with the non relationship actually being a relationship. She is still not sober but with the antideppressants she has been takeing she is down to a very manageable 1 qt wine per day and seems to function pretty good there. Too much liability to even consider marriage. I have allready accepted that I got myself into something I can't seem to get out of and really isn't even all that bad. Maybe it is time to just reestablish my boundaries on terms I can live with while at the same time considering her needs.
Okay, well that explains a lot, including the frustration you feel, the paternalistic-type relationship you have with her, and your reluctance to legally and emotionally fully commit to her. I can’t say as I blame you for any of that. Kudos to you for supporting someone that has made repeated, life-altering mistakes. You have the patience of Job, but obviously you see something in her that makes you stay with her. I hope for both of your sake that she remains (relatively) sober and free of demons.
My advice pretty much stays the same. First of all, absolutely continue to do the things you love, on your own, within reason. I think that if you did more of this, it would help lessen the obvious anger and resentment that you have towards her. If it makes you happy, and she doesn’t share in the love of it, then leave her at home. You’ll both be happier for it.
Secondly, try to forgive her for her past. Easier said than done, but try.
And finally, I’d repeat the advice to do things from time to time to make her feel special. People who’ve battled addictions almost always suffer from low self-worth. And I think that this is the root of the whole cooler fiasco. If 50 weeks out of the year she keeps a spotless house, cooks your meals, packs your lunch, does your grocery shopping, provides you with companionship and a bed partner – all without the benefit of a paycheck or the security of a marriage license – then I think she deserves two weeks a year where she can feel less like a domestic partner and more like a romantic partner.
To test this theory, why not do something completely romantic and unexpected for her? Swing by and pick her up a gift certificate for a pedicure or massage. It’ll set you back $50 to $100, which is about what you’d pay for a housekeeper. See what her reaction is.
To test this theory, why not do something completely romantic and unexpected for her? Swing by and pick her up a gift certificate for a pedicure or massage. It’ll set you back $50 to $100, which is about what you’d pay for a housekeeper. See what her reaction is.
Good luck.
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I have been doing that right along LOL. She gets her monthly pedicures and manicures beauty treatment, a few good shopping trips every year besides the normal buy an out fit for an occassion type thing. We pretty much do normal couple things. I have been gradually caving in LOL. I just get mad at myself sometimes when I feel I have put too many things on hold or agravated at her if I feel she is pushing my boundaries too much.