Is using an elevator that fucking hard?

[Uvula_Donor]

Rule 1: Your list is TLDR.

Rule 2: Take the fucking stairs, Princess. It’s obvious that the elevator is just too much for someone as delicate as you.

[Astroboy14]

@tumbleddown

Honestly, any man who gummed up the works of entering and exiting an elevator to let women on or off first would get my biggest, baddest stinkeye. I’m not a tender flower that’s going to wilt if I’m second off the damn elevator. This is not a courtesy, this is condescension, plain and simple.

How the hell am I supposed to check out your ass if I don’t let you go first? :dubious:

[Lord_Ashtar]

@MeanOldLady

27. People who take the elevator from the first floor to the second floor must either a) submit proof of injury, or b) fuck off.

Especially if they’re going to spend the time between floors 1 and 2 complaining about how Jenny Craig or whatever diet plan they’re on isn’t working.

[BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed]

@Mr_Shine

6a: Assuming you’re not yelling down the phone, why is this any different than having a quiet conversation with your immediate neighbour?

Seconded. If you’re not specifically complaining about loud idiots on cell phones, you’re a knee-jerk reactionary yourself.

[NinjaChick]

@groo

I make it a practice to say Hello to a stranger in an elevator about twice a week. No commitment to lifelong friendship; just acknowledging that we’re both human beings. However, after extensive testing, I don’t reccommend random humorous comments, as they will fall to the floor like a dying baby seal, twisting and bleeding and whimpering.

My only issue is with the blankity blank cell phone conversatoins. WTF, dude? Was she really so bad that you have to share why you dumped her with an elevator full of strangers? You don’t get a Hello from me.

Christ, I loathe people who do this! Yes, we’re both on an elevator/bus/plane/whateverthehell together. I am aware that you are here. Why do you have to go and fuck it up and talk to people?

[Guinastasia]

@MeanOldLady

Okay, so now that we’ve eliminated rule 11, am I adding rule 13 now? Does friedo’s rule count? Whatever, here’s another rule. I’ll call it rule 27.

27. People who take the elevator from the first floor to the second floor must either a) submit proof of injury, or b) fuck off.

Meh, I do this at my doctor’s office, if only because the stairs are all the way down at the other end of the hall, and the elevator is right next to the office. I just want to get in and out as quickly as possible. It’s just quicker. (And trust me, usually I hate elevators)

28.) If you ARE going to listen to your MP3 player, get a really good pair of earbuds. The ones I have, you can’t even hear the music from them if it’s playing at top volume. (I know, I’ll have them sitting beside me, and I still can’t hear it until I put them in my ears.

[Kimmy_Gibbler]

@Martini_Enfield

you errant Colonial.

What makes you think he is an itinerant?

Also, the only one of these that I can co-sign is the one about standing clear of the doors and allowing passengers to alight before you board.

Considering that I’ve never taken an elevator journey that has lasted more than forty seconds, the no talking rule seems a little extreme. I’m sorry you’re not a “morning person,” but you’re still at “work” sweetie, and that sucks, I know, but maybe you could just try going to bed earlier.

[ivn1188]

#427a: Make sure to face away from the door. Ensure that eye contact is made with an individual rider. Maintain eye contact until the other party breaks. Repeat this process until you have established dominance over every person in the elevator. As soon as this occurs, slam the button for the next floor. When the elevator doors open, back out of the elevator slowly, while pointing accusingly at the group still in the elevator. Maintain this until the doors close.

[Jack_Batty]

@ivn1188

#427a: Make sure to face away from the door. Ensure that eye contact is made with an individual rider. Maintain eye contact until the other party breaks. Repeat this process until you have established dominance over every person in the elevator. As soon as this occurs, slam the button for the next floor. When the elevator doors open, back out of the elevator slowly, while pointing accusingly at the group still in the elevator. Maintain this until the doors close.

@Jack_Batty

14. Make sure you stare wide-eyed directly and unblinkingly into the eyes of one of your elevator mates, with no smile, and extra bonus points if you can work up a trickle of sweat dripping down the side of your face – maybe nervously tap your foot or chew a fingernail as well.

We don’t want people becoming too complacent in the work place.

It appears you and I aren’t as different as we like to pretend.

[Tom_Scud]

@friedo

14. Don’t call it a “lift,” you pretentious git.

This seems precisely backwards: “lift” is a one-syllable, germanic, everyday kind of word. “Elevator” is a four-syllable pretentious latinate word that means the same exact thing. Why we Americans got stuck with the latter is a mystery to me.

[Munch]

@Tom_Scud

This seems precisely backwards: “lift” is a one-syllable, germanic, everyday kind of word. “Elevator” is a four-syllable pretentious latinate word that means the same exact thing. Why we Americans got stuck with the latter is a mystery to me.

Meh. It beats “elevatorium”. And plus, it doesn’t just “lift” - it drops as well.

[Jack_Batty]

Maybe it’s because we use words like “latinate”.

[42fish]

@Rufus_Xavier

Rule 29: If you are in an elevator with at least one other person and it becomes stuck between floors for more than one minute, do not wonder aloud about which individual should be eaten first.

Yeah, you’ll only put them on their guard. You want to strike when they don’t suspect it.

[Who_me_1]

Can I just call it, “the up and down room”?

[Mooch]

I like to send my farts on a ride in an empty elevator to another floor.

[anu-la1979]

Did you add people who press the button to have the elevator stop at their floor, get in halfway and then finish their conversations with random other people waiting for an elevator going the opposite way and/or holding the elevator for people who aren’t there yet but they want to ride down with? Because that is also pretty damn annoying. Especially if I am hangry.

Wait, you did…#8. I totally agree.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Mongoose1546

3. Allow ladies to board and exit the elevator first. (I realize this may be an old fashioned but it shows class)

This one is wrong, according to Miss Manners and, more importantly, me. It only LOOKS courteous, but is actually rude as it slows the boarding and debarking process for everyone, including the women whom you are ostensibly assisting.

[cwthree]

@MeanOldLady

Okay, so now that we’ve eliminated rule 11, am I adding rule 13 now? Does friedo’s rule count? Whatever, here’s another rule. I’ll call it rule 27.

27. People who take the elevator from the first floor to the second floor must either a) submit proof of injury, or b) fuck off.

27a) People who criticize people who take the elevator from the first to the second floor because they haven’t noticed that* the fucking stairwells are locked down *must apologize for over-generalizing.

[ivn1188]

Originally Posted by ivn1188
#427a: Make sure to face away from the door. Ensure that eye contact is made with an individual rider. Maintain eye contact until the other party breaks. Repeat this process until you have established dominance over every person in the elevator. As soon as this occurs, slam the button for the next floor. When the elevator doors open, back out of the elevator slowly, while pointing accusingly at the group still in the elevator. Maintain this until the doors close.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack Batty
14. Make sure you stare wide-eyed directly and unblinkingly into the eyes of one of your elevator mates, with no smile, and extra bonus points if you can work up a trickle of sweat dripping down the side of your face – maybe nervously tap your foot or chew a fingernail as well.

We don’t want people becoming too complacent in the work place.

@Jack_Batty

It appears you and I aren’t as different as we like to pretend.

Muthafuckas gotta know theys place. Werd.

[Daithi_Lacha]

A former teacher once told me a gag he would do in a certain elevator (slow) in a building in NYC. He’d ride with a group of people and stare at them, blinking as little as possible. Sometimes, if he was feeling especially creepy, he’d mouth-breathe. Then he’d get off and run like hell to the next floor where the 'vator was heading. The doors would open, and he’d be standing there, staring. And then he’d say, “I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!”