Stairwells closed? Too bad! Scale the building.
Seriously, if the stairs are closed down, or it’s one of those god-awful buildings where the stairs may as well be on the dark side of the moon, taking the elevator is permitted. Otherwise, be prepared to pay the price, which is $10.
#3?
Sweet rant. I’d like to add:
328ii – if you see me waiting for the elevator and you see the button lit up already, why the fuck would you walk over and press the button again?
If I’m on the elevator going down and I’m by myself I like to stand right up against the doors then when it reaches the ground floor and the door opens I’m right there staring at the people waiting. Startles people.
Peter Bogdanovich once told this story about Alfred Hitchcock:
He and Hitch got on an elevator in a fancy New York hotel, and once the doors closed, Hitch started talking as though he and Bogdanovich had been in the middle of a conversation. There were a few other people in the elevator.
“Well, it was a quite shocking, I must say – there was blood everywhere!” Hitchcock said. “There was as stream of blood coming from his ear and another from his mouth.”
Bogdanovich said the people had recognized Hitchcock immediately, but now they seemed purposely to avoid looking at him. He went right on, gazing beatifically ahead of him as the elevator stopped again and another well-dressed couple came aboard: “Of course, there was a huge pool of blood on the floor and his clothes were spattered with it – Oh, it was a horrible mess. Blood all around! Well, I looked at the poor man and and I said, ‘Good God, what happened to you?’”
At that point the elevator doors opened onto the lobby, and Hitchcock said, “Do you know what he told me?” and then paused. After a moment, and quite reluctantly, the other passengers moved out of the elevator and then looked back at the director as he and Bogdanovich walked away.
Bogdanovich asked, "Well, what DID he say?"and Hitchcock smiled benevolently, and said, “Oh, nothing – that’s just my elevator story.”
In fact, when entering, one is trapping them within the confines of the elevator, then standing between them and the doors, forcing them to look at your big fat ass (not your ass, Skald, the archetypal great global elevator hog’s ass)
On the flip side: I work in a building that has no stairs access to the second floor, where the library is. EVERY elevator ride is crammed, for one floor’s worth, then 90% of the people get off.
I want to kill me an architect.
If the people on the elevator have been talking loudly about their diets, and THEN we get stuck, can I now talk about who gets eaten first?
I forgot to add my favourite true elevator story…the decapitated doctor
My ass is in fact big and fat. Women only love me for the multiple extensible prehensile penises–the middle one in particular, as it shoots plasma beams on command.
This applies to any other places which have limited carrying capacity. Busses, trains, carnival rides…any place which has space for only a few people inside. The people who are exiting need to get out first, and then, and only then, can the people who wish to board do so easily. People who attempt to rush into the car only slow things down for everyone, and might cause an accident.
#2 is my biggest elevator pet peeve. MOOOOVE! Don’t you want in here? Get out of my way then, and you can!
There is nothing I hate more than facing front in the elevator, and the other person in the elevator stares at me, and you can just tell they are trying to think of how to start conversation. I know I’m a cute young secretary, and I don’t like the stares walking through the lobby, much less when I am alone with you in the elevator. Much worse when they ask you out, which happens about 1 out of every forty times. I ride an elevator around 8 times a day, so it gets very old, and it’s not flattering. It’s ok if the guy is a grandfatherly type flirting though, because I really adore elderly people. (I can’t think of a way to rephrase this without it coming off a little wrong. I love old people. There.)
In our elevators they have those little tv screens that show quick quips of the news of the day. That is GREAT, no problem. However, once in awhile they show something that is “church-funny” and someone always laughs way too loud. We get it. There was some humor in that, and you caught it! Thanks for making everyone uncomfortable, because now we have to talk about the humor.
I would gladly take the stairs if they weren’t for fire emergencies only and all locked up.
LOVE people who get into an elevator with a shopping cart and position it in such a way that there is no more room for anyone - even if there’s tons of room!
I once got stuck in an elevator for about an hour with a woman who became hysterical. She was convinced that she was running out of air, we were going to plummet and that she was going to die. Made for a lovely afternoon.
It gets him off.
elevator rule 34: Upon entering the elevator the human thought she felt it shutter as her soft warm hand pressed the button sending sparks through it’s motor as the motion of her in the elevator’s weight warmed it’s cable from the friction which sent little vibrations through the human’s body through the deck plates. She noted if he leaned up against a certain wall plate it felt soooo right. The night had just began…
By that argument, it doesn’t just elevate things. It should be called the descendor.
My rules are better, and more concise.
Don’t be a jackass
Treat others respectfully
And the beauty of it is you can apply these rules to many situations, not just elevators.
BTW, if people weren’t meant to use the elevator to get to the 2nd floor, then there wouldn’t be a 2nd floor button on it. Get over it, busybodies, it’s not like using it is equivalent to taking up a fucking handicapped space. If people getting off on the 2nd floor bothers you so much, you can take the fucking stairs up to the 3rd floor and get on there, or are you too lazy for that?
dang dude. do you use elevators much? here are my rules:
closest to the door get in/out. and hurry the hell up.
anyone holding the elevator better have a pregnant wife or be a doctor on their way to life saving brain surgery. if you talk to me i will stare at you, scowl, then not reply.
if you are on a cell phone in an elevator that is on par with being on the phone while you use the bathroom.
yes, i’m old and grumpy.
sorry for the non caps. this is one of dem acer computers and it is hard for me to hit the shift key
ETA: I found the CAPS… Don’t be a jackass is always a good rule of thumb
This, this, a thousand times this !
I don’t know you, you don’t know me, we’ll never ever see each other again, and we are stuck together in a confined space, hopefully for a short time. The correct answer to this particular set of stimuli is to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
In my 39 years I have NEVER referred to it as a lift - it’s always an elevator. (Okay, I live in a town of 40,000 where 2 elevators exist in the entire area and I have been in exactly none of them but do travel to Melbourne where I ride them extensively for business visits - not that I’m an elevator evaluationist (word?) or anything)
And as for turning off ipods and not talking too loudly - honestly, how long are you in this this cube anyway? One minute - two? Will it kill you to have to listen to a bit of noise for a minute amount of time? I have been in elevators where screaming children have filled the bloody thing and ridden for all 14 floors, stopping at each one but I hardly had to bite myself to stop from laying in the foetal position and crying because of the noise. HTFU.
I respectfully suggest you might have been inadvertently Americanised in that regard- the word is indeed “Lift” amongst most people I know here in Queensland, with the exception of a few younger folks who spend too much time watching Pay TV and seem to have picked up the American words for more than a few everyday things as a result.
I agree with you about the MP3 player thing, though. 
Only if you want to sound like Bob Fossil from The Mighty Boosh. 
I read the OP title as “Is fucking in an elevator hard?” I came in to point out that if you put her up against the wall to give it to her good and hard, you should make sure it’s not against the button panel or you’ll end up going to every floor when you’re done.
But apparently it’s not about that.
I always assumed these were for the handicapped, injured, or extremely lazy. Don’t most people take the stairs to the second or third floor? I take the stairs, but not to the seventeenth floor, because yes, I am too lazy for that.