Can’t believe I missed this thread. I did a little writing on this two years ago when I was suffering elevator fools on a daily basis. Enjoy.
So, if I know the command word, I can just walk by and you’ll need a new pair of pants? How embarassing!
One of our buildings downtown has a completely screwball elevator system that really deserves flashing signs to explain as it kidnaps hapless visitors daily.
When you enter the building, you don’t just press the “UP” button. You have to punch in the desired floor number on a keypad, then wait and watch the elevators. Eventually one will open up. Don’t just walk in! Look at the display next to the door that shows what floor that elevator is going to. Oops. Not your floor, so don’t get on. Your elevator will come around eventually.
If you do get on the wrong elevator, you will be trapped for a ride up to whatever floor someone else is going to, and you will have to get off the elevator on that floor or take your chances that it might return to the lobby within the next hour.
Same deal up on the floors. Punch in a floor number or the star to go to the lobby.
I am not an idiot. I disabled the voice command option for obvious reasons.
Well…because of a court order, actually. I’d explain, but you guys aren’t old enough.
I suggest you print these out and nail them to the door of your nearest elevator. You’re a modern-day Martin Luther.
That is funny. 
Even better - just as you are leaving, release a truly enormous long-winded fart back into the lift.
And don’t forget this scene from the original Pink Panther!
(Let me squeeze zis one in too!)
What a thing of beauty!!! May I incorporate some of it? Credit will naturally be given to you.
Of course, pass it around, the more the merrier.
I think Ed Zotti would argue that these rules are not as easy to implement as you think.
Why else, pray, would you want to wear perfume???
If I want to give someone a headache, I just whack them upside the head with my walking stick. That way, I am sure of giving my target a headache, and not some random passerby. It is also infinitely more satisfying.
Implemention isn’t my department. 
A relevant link
…Pulls up right pant leg.
exhibits 6 inch scar on outside of leg,
exhibits 4 inch scar and visible bolts holding talus together on inside of ankle.
Neither of which show when I am dressed, nor do they cause a visible (or much of one) limp when I’m on flat ground. But which DO create a lot of pain going up stairs.
Rule #33, Don’t JUDGE on looks alone.
Rule #42, don’t be stupid, the elevator is going to go up and stop at a number of floors NOT your own, so what if some of them are lower floors?
Rule #59, Never EVER take the stairs to any floor in the JC Penney’s parking garage. Unless you want to be puked on, panhandled, accosted by thugs etc.
Cracked me up,I particulary liked 2,7 and 10,I may well try them out myself.
Those elevator decapitation stories are fucked. How about rule -1:
DON’T EVER STICK ANY PART OF YOUR BODY OUT OF THE ELEVATOR IF IT’S MALFUNCTIONING.
WAIT FOR THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
An elevator will not plunge as in falling down unless it is loaded. Infact a partially loaded cable elevato falls up not down.
Man, I hate riding on elevators when they’re loaded. Elevators should not drink while on duty.
Sorry if I’ve missed it, but has anyone posted these elevator rules yet?