When my wife and I were getting divorced in the mid 90’s she was very pointed about wanting to do things by herself re stuff like replacing the wipers on the family car and related “I am empowered” stuff. It was fine with me. After the divorce she was more than happy to point the kids my way for anything that needed to be fixed or serviced “See your father about that!” was the standard reply when the thrill of empowerment wore off shortly after the divorce finalized.
Women (like anyone) in general I think like to feel they are prized and cared for, however, if you’re hovering it’s annoying, and if she’s divorcing I’d guess she’s also in that “don’t do me any favors” place my ex was. You just need to back off.
The argument in my family is between the person who thinks that everyone must be walked to their car (regardless of the gender, age, or other social status of the walkees & walkers) and everyone who think that it’s perfectly ok to watch guests leave from the doorway (again, regardless of the gender, age, or other social status of the guests/hosts).
Anyway, I think the walking is a bit strange and walking just your female guests is sexist, though the impulse may be rooted in civility. I think you need to start walking everyone, or start asking everyone whether they’d like to be walked and walking only those who assent (if only sisters, aunts, and female cousins say “yes,” that’s no longer your distinguishing them by gender, at that point, they own it)
I’m female. I live in a neighborhood where, barring bizarre circumstances, it’s perfectly safe to walk from my front door to a car in the driveway at night. Still … I always watch guests from the door/porch and don’t go back inside until the car is cranked and they are pulling out. Always have done, regardless of where I’ve lived. Doesn’t matter if the guest is male or female.
So yes, if you only do it for females, it’s chivalrous/outdated/sexist, depending on one’s perspective. It wouldn’t phase me if a man walked me to my car, despite my feminist outlook I would simply consider it sweet. (I AM a native Southerner, though, so the fact that it’s supposedly more common here might be a factor.)
I see her point, though … I HAVE been around guys who were being NOTHING but thoughtful when they performed formerly-more-common chivalrous moves, and it did tick me off. When you cross the line from common courtesy that you might perform for anyone to making assumptions about my desires or ability to speak or take care of myself … then you’ve gone too far.
I’m female. I wouldn’t find being walking to my car by a male family member to be sexist. I appreciate someone looking out for my safety. I have been in situations where I have had to ask a male friend or date to walk me to my car, or to wait with me until I was able to hail a cab. If a man offers to do these things without my asking, I consider it courteous.
The only context under which I’ve considered the possibility of walking-type behavior being sexist was during business travel or socializing with work colleagues. Basically I worried whether I would be perceived as being weak or fragile if I accepted the walking. In those scenarios, though, male colleagues offered walking or waiting with me for a cab and I gladly accepted it for safety’s sake.
Of course, some people will be offended at the insinuation that they are in any way incapable of defending themselves. They are just looking for a fight, though, so to heck with them.
But my mom would always walk guests to the door when they left and watch as they pull away. For some reason, that feels perfectly normal to me but going all the way to the car sounds absolutely nuts.
IMO, whatever your motivations for walking anyone out - all the walkee would have to say (whether it was your wife or anybody) is “No thanks. I’m fine.” And your response would have been “Okay. See ya’” and that would be the end of that.
You would not insist and the person would have no reason to go into “it’s sexist” or personal slurs, which, again only MHO, were unnecessary and hurtful to you.
I hope the rest of the day went well with you two and that you do not dwell on this one small part.
Why don’t you just move to a decent neighborhood?
I’m not a woman but I personally hate the long goodbye. I say goodbye in the house, then as I get in the car, then I have to wave goodbye as I drive off. Shees!
I also suspect that it could turn weird. for her, if you two were having an ‘end of a date’ sort of moment
As a male, I think it is sexist in the purest sense of the word but it depends on the person. My ex-wife routinely loads up groups of male hispanic immigrants in her BMW to take them to the nearest bus stop after work. My mother speaks in almost all U.S. states, Canada, the Middle East, Europe, and Asia all by herself hundreds of days of the year. I think they would both be incredibly insulted if I offered to escort them out to make sure they are “safe” even though I don’t feel that either one is a true feminist. I would have deep sympathy for anyone that tried to pull one over on either of them because I have made minor versions of that mistake myself and it didn’t work out that well for me.
Some females are delicate little wallflowers. Many are not and I think that what you are describing is very old-fashioned and I can see her point. It can be condescending and I don’t raise my own daughters to need or expect that type of thing either.
Is this something that’s happened in the past, so you already knew that she didn’t like being walked to her car, but still insisted on doing it? To me, that would be the only reasonable explanation for her comments about feeling smothered.
What Ruken said. You’re doing it to be helpful, but it makes me think of the guys who will open doors for women (and refuse to go first even if they happen to be carrying boxes and the woman isn’t) but not for men. Basically, anything which is done because the recipient is of a specific sex constitutes sexism; if your criteria to decide when to do it or not is different, then it’s not sexism.
ETA: positive vibes for the OP and Kim, ommmmmm
It is NOT sexist, it is gentlemanly. I am a very strong, independent woman, and I carry mace, but I am not stupid enough to venture out alone in an unfamiliar place if I have someone else to accompany me. Man or woman, it doesn’t matter - two people are less vulnerable than one.
It irks the crap out of me when women say that it’s sexist when a man tries to be helpful. Get over it, gals. It just emasculates your fella and makes you look like a bitch.
Chivalry is not dead, it’s just been proscribed by the femi-nazies.
I think if she said she didn’t want to be walked out, then that ends it. Some people will appreciate the gesture, some won’t, respect what preference your guest states.