I moved here in August of 1999. I am on 5 acres in the middle of nowhere in rural Oklahoma, and I love it. When we first moved here my husband was doing some driving around…exploring the area. When he came home, he told me there was something I just HAD to see. Feeling a bit nervous, I followed him out of the house, and got in the car. He drove for approximately 8 miles to the small local grocery store and gas station. Pulling into the gas station parking lot, he parked the car and pointed to a small sign in the window. “Full service for unescorted women and the handicapped”. Now, I stared at this sign for a full 2 or 3 minute taking it all in. My first thought was “how charming”…My second thought was “only in Oklahoma” and my third thought was that I had never been so insulted in my entire life. On the surface, its a quaint, charming, almost chivalrous notion…but deeper down…
Well, its two years later now, and I am acquainted and almost friends with the manager of said store, who is most decidedly the mastermind of this policy. The sign is still there of course, and I would never tell him how abhorrent I find it. In his old fashioned mind, he could never even fathom how I could be offended by it, and I think it would bother him, so I won’t say anything. I have mentioned it to several local women, and they can’t seem to understand my problem with it. Am I overreacting?
I remember that in the early days (70’s?) of self-service this was a common practice. Most service stations had full and self serve, and the attendants would help women, old folks, and anybody else who “needed” it.
Of course, extra attention was paid to young, attractive women.
Don’t be offended. The guy’s just being gentlemanly, as he see’s it. In fact, he’d probably be happy to have you chit-chat with him as he’s filling your tank.
Peace,
mangeorge
You’re right to feel offended (what, you’re NOT going to feel offended?) but you should know it’s probably more a culture-shock thing than a deliberate-sexism thing. Bear in mind that comparatively speaking, the jump away from damsels in distress has been quite swift, and many people who were brought up with different traditions may have difficulty catching up. I don’t plan to come out to my grandmother for more or less the same reason.
Well, let’s see. You moved there, he’s lived there all his life. He’s probably got a fairly good grip on the social mores of the area.
I think people these days get offended to easy. What’s the point in being offended at somebody who’s trying to be nice?
Finally, there’s a good reason behind this policy. An excellent and practical one in fact. And, it’s a worthwhile service to offer that may attract customers.
To me the whole thing is basically common sense. Remember Star Trek? They had this thing called the Prime Directive. What it meant was you didn’t interfere (and by extension didn’t judge,) aspects of a culture of which you are not a part of because, as an outsider You may not understand the very very good reasons they do things in ways that to you seem wrong.
I’d like to think everybody here could figure it out for themselves (and no, it’s not a personal safety for fear of rape, issue.)
I’m not sure I understand if the point of the sign (and associated policy) is that women are too dense/frail/backwards to pump their own gas, or that there is some concern that would-be rapists might be lurking in the bushes, ready to pounce on an unsuspecting woman walking alone to her car after paying for her gas, or sneak into her car while she is at the pay window? If it is the latter, and the gas station is in a particularly desolate area, then I think the station’s owner might be going for the “better safe than sorry” approach. If it is the former, I don’t think I would be offended to the core of my being, but would probably chalk it up to the silliness of a fading era.
Some cities have lower taxi rates for unescorted women after dark, for the safety reason. I don’t think that’s offensive. It’s sad that it’s necessary, but I don’t blame the taxi company.
FYI, while the man jumping into the car scenario sounds like an urban legend, it did happen to my mom, while exiting a parking garage. While she stepped away from her car to pay the attendant, a man got into the back seat, unnoticed by either mom or the attendant. Thankfully, he was not a rapist, but a very confused patient who had somehow wandered away from a psychiatric hospital. My mom, who is remarkably composed, drove him back to the hospital. But it was still frightening, so remember to keep all of your doors locked, even if you are only stepping away for a moment!
Well, actually, attracting customers has nothing to do with it. If you live in this area, you get gas there. There really is not much else around. You have to understand, my problem with the policy is a very simple one. If they are going to offer full service, they should offer it to everyone, not just one or two specific groups. In putting up that sign, they are grouping unescorted women with the handicapped, implying that we are incapable of doing things for ourselves. I KNOW that the manager of the store is doing it to be friendly and all that, and that is why I have never said anything to him specifically. I also know I am living in an area that still has an incredibly large “good old boy” network, and nothing I can say or do can change that for now. But your comment on the prime directive does not fit. They also have cock fights legally here, and its very popular. This does not make it right, nor does it stop me from fighting to have it banned. Just because “it is the way things are done here” does not make it right.
Put a baby, or a small child in a car seat, and that child will fall instantly asleep when you start driving.
My wife, who is fearless and caable in all things suddenly needs a full-service stations when she is “unescorted.” THe alternative is to wake the baby up after gassing the car, undo the car seat, take the baby in, pay for the gas, quiet the baby down after disturbing it, put it back in the car seat and start driving. Major pain in the ass.
We live in a rural area where there’s not a lot of full serve stations.
If my wife is with the kid, and there’s no sign, she has to pull up and ask if they will provide full-service.
Most cars these days have tint in the backseat windows. Most service station attendants don’t spend their time trying to peer through tinted windows. They don’t know if there’s a baby in the car.
All they know is that a lot of women pull up, wanting full service when they are seemingly by themselves.
Seeing this need, the station attendant is trying to welcome that business out of consideration for a demonstrated need. He is providing a sought after service at no extra charge just to be nice. More power to him.
Delphica
The safety thing is not an issue here. The crime rate in this area is virtually nil, and when it does happen, its usually the local high school kids spreading manure on porches. It is merely, as you said, the remnants of a silly past. But, dammit, it is that silly past, and those who cling to it, who make it so hard for us to move ahead.
I agree with Scylla, and I don’t think it’s really worth getting worked up over. That kind of thing will be gone soon enough, and some people will even miss it.
Besides, I can see where that would come in really handy if the unescorted woman has a carful of rowdy kids, or is very pregnant, etc. And I just read Scylla’s last post, and if you still have to go into the station to pay, then it’s even more handy.
The funny thing is that my wife and I were talking about this the other day.
We started discussing how a lot of the courtesies extended to women that are now considered somehow an insult or demeaning really have their roots in the fact that a lot of women tending to be lugging small kids around with them.
Ask anybody that has a baby, and you’ll hear a different spin on these “outmoded” practices.
Neither my wife nor myself knew the meaning of discrimination until we had a baby.
Which part of Oklahoma? If it’s the NE corner, in the Miami vicinity, I’d say it’s just good manners. Them’s some friendly folk up there. I grew up a city boy(Norman & OKC), but was still taught manners at an early age.
There are some areas of the state that fall well into the “good ol’ boy” category, but plenty others where respect and old fashioned manners are still taught.
I hold doors open, let ladies walk in front of me, and always walk on the “street” side of the sidewalk. My intentions are nothing but honorable, if a bit old fashioned.
While political correctness is a good and wonderful thing, I don’t see why it can’t coexist with manners. We seem to have become much more sensitive to those around us (a good thing), but at the expense of being openly friendly. I don’t open a door for a lady because I think she’s not capable, I do it as a sign of respect. For the record, I’ve held plenty of doors for men.
So why is it assumed that only women might have children in the back? It seems to me that men could easily have the exact same problem, but be left to pump the gas themselves and then drag the baby in to pay. If it’s a good policy for women with children, it should be a good policy for men with children.
I agree that you shouldn’t be too offended when someone does something out of consideration, no matter how misguided, but I certainly disagree that the policy is a sound one.
I am in the Oklahoma city area myself. If you might know it, the gas station I am discussing is the Country Boy on the corner of Harrah-Newalla road and 29th St.
As I said, the common courtesy thing is great, but should be extended to ALL. As for the baby issue, believe me, there is no need to wake up a child to go pay at this place. The attendant is not in a far away building. He is right there in a shack right next to the pumps. I am not the kind of feminist who wont let a man open a door for her. As long as he lets me open the next one for him. Common courtesy should always go both ways.
Getting worked up over the obvious cruelty of a cock fight is a good thing. And them guys know it.
But getting worked up over the neighorliness of a free service? Well, that’s up to you.
And I don’t think it’s offered because he thinks you’re too weak. Look at most of those country women you live around. Do you think they’re too puny to pump their own gas? Heavens no. I’ll bet the guy even holds the door for you when you go in to pay for your gas.
But if it really rankles you, you should tell him. Until he know’s how you feel, the onus is on you.
He’ll probly say “Well, shore, m’am, you go right ahead and pump that gas.”
Peace,
mangeorge
So, it is the sign, isn’t it?
If you go to the store for pork chops and greens, you’re not buying just meat or veggies, but both.
The “and” on the sign means plus, not same as.
But sure. Ask him to change his sign. Be prepared to explain why.
Peace,
mangeorge
Yes indeed, it should seem that way. But that’s not the way it works.
You’re average gas station attendant is in charge of neither the rules of reproductive biology, or the roles of parents. They just fill up the car.
All the poor schmuck knows is that women pull up wanting self-service.
Rather than be a jerk, he offers it to them.
My wife and I just literally had this discussion. She had gone Hagerstown to pick up a belt for the mower that I’d ordered, and needed gas. She pulled up and asked the attendant if they were full service.
“What’s the matter? You can’t pump your own gas? It’s not that hard.” The jerk replied clearly thinking he was superior. Dumb-ass women too stupid to know how to even pump their own gas.
What shithead didn’t know was that baby was asleep in the back.
Now, I don’t fault the guy for being ignorant. I do however fault him for jumping to conclusions as to the reason.
The gas statin attendant in the Op is clearly ignorant of the reasons. And, why should he care? All he knows is that a lot of women want full service, and will go elsewhere if they can’t get it. So, he puts up a sign as a good businessmen that caters to that need without knowing the reason for it.
9 times out of 10, it’s the woman watching the baby during the day. That’s not the gas station attendant’s fault, nor should we expect him to make a study of child care habits of the American family. He just responds to the need.
I’ve gone through self-serve hell, waking my cranky daughter up when I gassed up the car exactly once. Never again. When I have the baby by myself and need gas, it’s full serve all the way.
Finally, I never drove by myself with the baby until she was almost a year old. I was terrified to do so without my wife.
I was there for my baby right when she was born. For the first month I changed every diaper while my wife recovered from her surgery. I was as close as a father can be, but I will tell you from experience: Baby’s can get very unhappy when Mommy isn’t around.
We tried very hard to share the roles, but there’s a natural bond between Mother and child that is undeniable, and woe be to the person that screws with it.
Technology and modern society may tell you that there is no need for a Mom to be saddled with the role of primary caregiver, but somebody forgot to tell that to the baby. They don’t give a shit about women’s lib.
Maybe it’s different if the male bonds immediately. I’ll tell you that I provided all the care (except for breast feeding) for my newborn, and I was the one holding it 90% of the time. But, babies want Mommy.
So, having gone through this, and compared notes with lots of others, I’m unsurprised that women are typically the primary caregiver.
It may work differently in other arrangements. For example, if there is no Mommy around baby might transfer that role to somebody else, but I wouldn’t know.
For you, maybe. And the guy would probably do it with a smile on his face and without complaint if he was kind and thoughtful enough to put up such a sign in the first place.
But, I would think that it’s you, not him that has the problem, and is making the error.
He’s probably aware that the world does not revolve around his personal prickly sensitivities, and he probably doesn’t seek to change the world to accede to his own provincial worldview.
I could think of several reasons why changing the sign to your way is less than optimal.
A Prima Donna businessman or other asshole might define himself as one “in need,” and interpret this service as an option.
If too many people seek to take advantage of it he may find his time monopolized pumping gas for every asshole too busy or self-important to do it themselves. That’s time that he could be running his business, or repairing cars, or selling ice cream, or looking at Playboy. Whatever. Take up too much of this time, and he may have to hire another person to help (and raise prices to pay for him,) or else eliminate the service entirely.
This way, he’s defining who may receive this optional service that he’s willing to provide as a courtesy, for free. It’s his business, and his business decision, so that’s how it should be.
No, I’m quite sure that amateurish meddling is not the best solution.
Criticizing things you don’t understand isn’t a good idea.
I wouldn’t be too sure of that; growing up, I was always closer to my father, and my parents tell my this began in infancy, when my father stayed home for my first six months while my mother went back to work. I would cry when my Daddy wasn’t around. But then, I always have been the exception to the rule. In this case it may have had to do with my not being able to breastfeed, removing that bond to my mother.
Anyway, I can acknowledge that whatever the reason, in most families the mother usually gets parent duty, and the gas station attendent may only know that women want full service. Still, I hate to see favor given to mothers taking care of their kids over fathers doing the same thing. The last thing our society needs is to discourage fathers from playing an active role in their children’s lives.
