Lovely! Not sure I’d say “brush” off exactly, but the same idea. 
Now sell this good idea to Microsoft and make profit.
Hmm, might even be worth paying for his dinner, in the hope that he would then stay away from you, for fear of having to reciprocate. Oh wait, this guy has no manners or social sensitivity at all. Right, forget that one. Is Bad Plan.
You could, if necessary, arrange for someone to call you on your cellphone to alert you to a great emergency or to remind you of the mythical pre-arranged meeting. BUT you will not need that, will you? Because you are NOT going to let this horrible person come to visit, are you?
Oh man I’m glad we’re all Dopers and not Cecilists! That sounds like a lot of work! Reading the OP all I could think about was cousin Eddie as well.
Motorgirl I’m glad you’re in Boston. I have a … delivery… I need to pick up, and I need a place to stay that’s not on the map i.e. hotels. It’ll be just me, and several black garbage bags that you needn’t concern yourself with. I’ll only be out there a few days, it’ll be fun.
My brother would gloat about how going to Glasgow was so cheap, haha, he could do it any time, haha. He shut up when I pointed out that, while letting him sleep in my guest room didn’t cost me any money (in fact, that was why I had a guest room, for guests to use), the Spanish Ham I’d been saving for months and he devoured for his first breakfast would have cost me [this much] to replace, would he like to pay for it?
I had specifically bought the kind of things he eats for breakfast at home, and the… brat (can you call a 32yo man a brat?) had gone and killed my stash. 400g of serrano in one seating, when he normally won’t even touch the stuff :mad:
Right now I’m having interviews for two possible projects: one here in Scotland, which would involve a risk of my extremely-freeloading mother coming to visit, and one in Seville with no risk of a visit. How sad is it that I see that as a HUGE bonus on the Seville project?
Back when I owned a home, my BIL came up for Christmas dinner. As he took the tour of our modest, but comfy home, I saw his eyes light up at the big guest room. I knew we were in trouble.
Within 2 weeks, he had called my husband to ask if he could stay with us for a few weeks while he looked for a new place to live. Next thing I know, I’ve got BIL living in my house, using my crystal bowls to mix up his peas and yogurt with a fork, leaving blenders full of peanut butter and tofu in my sink, and never washing a dish or emptying a trash can.
After coming home to a house full of fireman (BIL thought he smelled gas - in reality he had put something plastic on a lightbulb and it had melted), waking up to near-frozen pipes (he decided to turn the heat off since he was going away for the weekend - even though we were still there) and never being able to get on my own computer (not because he was looking for a place to live or a different job, but because he was entering sweepstake contests) - I finally gave my husband and him an ultimatum: either he moves out, or I cut off BIL’s arms and legs and shove them down his vegetarian throat.
I have to say, though, that that one horrific experience has made me much more upfront about shutting off unwanted visitors. It was 4 months of torture, but it was a lesson well learned.
When I want to seem polite, I tend to add a nice gesture at the end. So I’d be more likely to do what has been suggested, but then offer to help him find the best (or cheapest or whatever) hotel. Or something like that.
The idea is that it’s hard to be mad at someone who is doing you a favor.
This guy is too self-centered to have feelings to hurt. Don’t worry about him!
And I bet the Christian stuff is a socially acceptable cover for his stupid behavior, that allows him to get away with stuff.
THIS works, just drop a line like this:
“Dear Scumbag relative: we all enjoyed your recent visit. However, we are a little short of money now, so I have to ask you to help us with our electricity bill. If you could send us $1200.00 (no personal checks, please), we’d be grateful…and look forward to seeing you!”
You won’t have any more problems.
If you ever find yourself saying/thinking something along these lines, stop. You’re in trouble already.
Loved your post, BTW… and so did my co-workers! 
Jeez, what a character!
Hey, no problem. Whatever I can do to drive families apart. 
Motorgirl, try this:
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Select the text in your OP.
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Copy it.
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“Accidentally” paste it into your Facebook page.
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Give up Facebook for the rest of Lent*.
*I note that you state you are an atheist. If you don’t know when Lent ends, just stay away from Facebook until the chocolate bunny ears at the CVS pharmacy go on sale at 50% off.
See, this is the point where I really don’t mind telling people the unvarnished truth. “I didn’t realize when we agreed you could stay here the first time that you were racist. That’s simply unacceptable to us. There will be no future visits.”
Raised as an atheist in the Christian tradition - meaning we celebrated any Christian holiday that involved candy (Easter, Christmas, Flag Day, etc).
Besides, I already chose what to give up for Lent. I heard that you’re supposed to give up something you love, so I gave up Jesus for Lent.
I know. Not always that easy for everyone, though.
Oh my god, I forgot to tell you the worst thing my cousin did while he stayed with us! It was so horrible I had pushed it out of my head in hopes to never be that embarrassed again.
We took him out to dinner to a lovely little German place where the food is delicious and they have a huge mural on the wall of green, rolling hills dotted with cottages and castles. The castles are paintings of actual castles located in Germany. He took a look around and loudly asked, “Hey, why isn’t Hitler in their mural? He was an important part of German history!”:smack::eek::smack::eek: We quietly explained that this is not an appropriate thing to ask when the place is full of actual Germans (and my Jewish fiance) but he didn’t understand why asking about adding Hitler to the mural of all the wonderful things in Germany was inappropriate.
Got a lot easier when we adopted our Korean son. And now its such a pleasure that I wonder why the hell I spent the first 30 years of my life varnishing for those who didn’t deserve it.
I’M REMINDED OF A NEW YORKER CARTOON
Robert Mankoff from 1993
A man is looking at his calender in his office
“No, Thursday’s out. How about never- is never good for you?”
This is so easy.
Chip: “Blah-blah-blah-we’re coming over…”
You: “Sorry, Chip, that won’t work for us.”
Chip: “Blah-blah-blah…”
You: “Sorry, Chip, that won’t work for us.”
Chip: “Blah-blah-blah…”
You: “Sorry, Chip, that won’t work for us.”
Chip: “Blah-blah-blah…”
You: “Sorry, Chip, that won’t work for us.”
Chip: “Blah-blah-blah…”
You: “Sorry, Chip, that won’t work for us.”
Chip: “Blah-blah-blah…”
You: “I gotta go now. Take care.”
<click>