A doula is someone who is trained to help make the laboring woman more comfortable. She helps with breathing techniques, maybe gives backrubs, etc. She can also help the partner by staying with mom-to-be while he runs out for some food, etc. Some doulas also act as the woman’s advocate with nurses and others who are too pushy. For example, mine first one once gently suggested that taking my blood pressure could wait until after the contraction.
However, they don’t have anything to do with the actual birth, which is handled by by the OB or midwife.
Some doulas also have training as lactation consultants.
I used to keep TLC on for white noise, and I remember being amazed at the women on that stupid baby show whose name I can’t remember. They would let about 472 relatives into the room-- including men and children-- while they were giving birth, in addition to the cameramen. Everyone had cameras of some kind. Cameras! If any of my relatives brought cameras and expected I’d let them film me giving birth, then they’d soon find themselves able to perform their own colonoscopies.
You people are reminding me of the ex neighbor that shot video of the birth. He came over and asked if I could capture a picture from the video for a birth announcements. My response was NO! :eek:
Heh, I hear ya on the “parents can do no right” thing. Prepare to be judged by everyone, including total strangers.
Sounds like your mom is going through grandparent hunger. In some cases this can be quite a useful and bonding thing - I get along better than I ever have with my parents, because we now share an overriding interest in the child’s welfare, and now I can count on their help in childcare and babysitting and the like.
I can see this causing huge trouble where the parental relationship is ruined though.
I’ll only add that doulas come in two varieties (though the same person may fill both roles) - a birth doula who accompanies the woman through labour, and a post-partum doula who helps the new parents at night through the basics of lactation, infant care and the like, and performs some basic services on behalf of the new mom.
We had a post-partum doula, who really helped us to survive - my wife had a difficult c-section and was very weak after the birth, I had to go back to work very soon after, so having some help was very important.
We did not however have a birth doula, and now looking back it would have been a better idea. It is useful to have a medical professional who is unambiguously for you and you alone.
Yeah, you have entered a world where nothing you do will ever make anyone happy. Bashing moms is a national sport. But there are compensations.
I cannot fathom why anyone would want company during the birth, and luckily my family was very understanding. My mom visited for a while during labor (my dad waved from the doorway!) and my husband was with me. That’s it, that was happy, and no way would I want anyone else there.
WhyNot…you definitely should become a doula…perfect for you! My best friend feels just like you do about birth (had her babies at home & the whole nine yards), and I have been encouraging her to do it, too.
Regarding the OP…my advice to you is to NOT tell anyone when you are headed to the hospital. As someone said above…call them when the whole thing is over.
In the past, when Mother has been angry with me, she would call my home multiple times and show up on my doorstep yelling and screaming. When she was refused entry, she tried to get in by other means - usually dragging the manager of the apartment building into things. (Mother’s usual excuse is that I’m mentally ill and can’t be trusted. The best response from a landlord I’ve heard is, “She can’t be that crazy, she pays the rent on time.”) She has also resorted to physical violence. These behaviors may qualify as stalking or physical assault. Hell, considering that I’m pregnant, “to prevent emotional abuse of an at-risk adult” may also come into play.
This is not something I want to do. My friends were disappointed and a little hurt when I told them that Mouse_Spouse and I want to be alone during the birth, but they seemed to be getting over it.
Mother doesn’t seem to be getting the message. When we told her our plans, she pouted. “You don’t want your mother there?” The last time she spoke, she said that she wanted to take the hospital tour with us (No.), take time off around the due date (That’s not necessary. We don’t know when the baby will come. <internal>And you can’t afford to miss any work.</internal>) and has been asking to come over to “decorate the nursery” (We rent our home. Other than rearranging the spare room for a crib and another dresser, there is nothing else we can do.)
This weekend I’m planning on talking to her and saying, again,“Mouse_Spouse and I want the delievery and birth to be a private affair. Once the Mouseling is born, we’ll call you.” If this becomes another big fight - with Mother’s unstable behavior - then Spouse and I will try to get an order of protection. (I doubt this will come up in a court, but Mother has had a couple restraining orders filed against her. One by an ex-boyfriend, another by a former house mate. The woman is nucking futs!)
When my mom was having my little brother 15 years ago, one of her options was to have a “delivery party” room, which was large enough to accomodate up to twenty-five guests. We’ve joked ever since then about what kind of crazy people would want that kind of circus around them while they were giving birth. I don’t know 25 people I want to be around when I have a mild headache. Or a splinter. Or I’m a bit sleepy. I don’t think there’s anything *wrong * with having your giant family/group of friends/documentary crew there, but it’s not for me.
I also can’t imagine people demanding to be there. It’s one thing if you invite someone, but inviting themselves is appalling. If you want to give me their phone numbers, I will be happy to explain to these people just how much they suck.
When I have a baby, I’m going to have a t-shirt made that says, “It’s my baby, so fuck off.”
Wow. I have seldom been so glad that I had my kids back in the dark ages of childbirth, but when I had my first child even my spouse wasn’t allowed in for labor or delivery, and with my second child he was the only one allowed to be in there. I cannot imagine having a whole crowd, or even my mother!
Definitely do what you have to to make it all about you, your partner, and your baby. Nobody else needs to be involved, and the hospital staff should be extremely helpful to keep unwanted people out. Don’t hesitate to get them involved if your mother tries to barge in uninvited!
When my best friend was pregnant with her son, she planned on having lots of people with her for the birth. When full-blown labor set in, she told everyone to leave NOW!
My biggest hurtle is Mother. Right now, my spine seems to be fortified. For many years at work, my attitude was “I stand for the animals. They deserve respect and ethical treatment. If you don’t like that, you can fire me.” My frame of mind was that I’ve survived a lot and can speak for myself; those that have no voice need my help. This philosophy is sliding easily into a maternal instinct.
It could be worse. Flipping thru one of my Uppity Women books, I read about European ladies having to give birth with an audience so that everyone would be certain the child is her’s. :eek:
I think it was on this board that I first read the piece of advice, “don’t share your baby name choices” for the exact same reason - someone will invariably criticize them. I’ve never forgotten that, even though it was years ago, and although I don’t know if I’ll have kids - if so, it’s years away - I intend to follow it.
Did these people invite you, or each other, when they gave birth? Do they have kids? I’m just wondering if they have practice being so thoughtless.
Go Mousie! The “call them after it’s over plan” sounds like it should work. That and making sure that both nursing and security staff are aware that there could be issues.
Some of the people who have asked don’t have children. They may be thinking that a real birth is like what’s on TV: quick and clean. A couple others have kids, but enjoy seeing the mircle of birth. Then there is my mother, who is in a category by herself.
Are there more then one hospital in town? Have you told people which one you will be at?
If you haven’t told, don’t. You can tell them when you call with the good news, AFTER giving birth and recovering a bit. Does anyone know if you can request that a hospital not tell visitors that you are a patient there?
As for the OP’er, it sounds pretty invasive to me. It’s your new family- you get to make the rules. It also sets an EXCELLENT precedent for the remainder of your life to put your foot down now. (An action you will not be able to take once up in stirrups. )
A couple of months ago there was a story in the local paper about homebirthing. The main subject of the story was a woman who did a home water birth. They had basically a kiddie pool in the family room. They had a number of friends and family there to witness, including her first couple of kids. In case you are worrying that the water would obstruct the view of the wonder, they had a flashlight.
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