George: So my father takes off his shirt. . . (to Kramer) Go ahead. Tell him.
Kramer: He had breasts.
Jerry: What?
George: Y’know! Big. . . breasts!
Jerry: Oh, lots of older men have that.
Kramer: Not these. These were real hooters.
Shant this be in Cafe Society?
Jerrry: Now that is one magic lugie.
Everyone: Helllooooo! La la la!
Jerry: Well, this is all very sophisticated.
(from the same ep.) Kramer: I’m at the corner of first and first…how can the same street intersect with itself, Jerry? I must be at the nexus of the universe!
Jerry: We’re not gay!..not that there’s anything wrong with that!
“You want to know why you can’t go in front first? I’ll tell you why. Because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law.”
Newman, in "The Parking Spot.
George Costanza: “ah-HAAA!”
(if anyone can tell me what episode that is from I will love you forever and/or buy you a beer. For the life of me I simply cannot remember.)
George, intentionally leaving behind his $8000 Russian fur hat at his date’s house: “Co-STAN-za!”
Frank Costanza: “It was a one in a million shot, Doc. One in a million!”
“It’s more like a full-body dry heave set to music.”
George, on Elaine’s dancing.
Kramer: “I’m out.”
Teri Hatcher: They’re real, and they’re spectacular!
Elaine on muscle relaxants: Stella!!
Jerry: I don’t wanna be a pirate!
“She’s a low-talker.”
“He’s a high-talker.”
“He’s a close-talker.”
“Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. That’s a fantasy camp!”
“The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.”
"Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It’s always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way… ‘It was a million to one shot, doc, million to one.’ "
Two times I can think of:
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George thought his gf was vomiting up all the meals he was paying for. He burst into the restaurant bathroom when he heard wretching, with an “ah-HAA!”
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The other time was when Jerry broke up with Shmoopy, and George was arguing that they had a pact (to get married) and that Jerry had renegged (sp?). Jerry said there was no pact, but then admitted to shaking George’s hand. George yelled “ah-HAA!”
Serenity Now!!
Yeh, this one was just on TBS last night. Props to Happy for pulling up at least two occurences!
Elaine (with Urban Sombrero firmly atop head): This is your fault! You told me I could run the catalog myself!
Kramer: Then I was WAY OFF.
Bald Mike: Suzie didn’t commit suicide! She was murdered. By JERRY SEINFELD.
Jerry (turning to woman behind him): Not only that- I broke his thumbs!
Kramer: “The Dewey Decimal System… What a scam that was!”
Puddy: “Feels like an Arby’s night.”
Jerry, to Elaine: “To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit’s gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it’s like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing’s getting through. You’re stupid.”
(just pre- that quote)
Elaine: “I haven’t had sex in a while- how come I don’t know no Portugese?”
“I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they’re thinking, 'That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.” - George, in “The Subway”
Jerry: Ya know, 95% of this city is undateable.
Elaine: Undateable?
Jerry: UNDATEABLE!
continuing the conversation
Elaine: “So then how are all these people getting together?”
Jerry: “Alcohol.”