When the check comes “Let me pay half”. If he demurs, then a “Ok, I’ve got the next one” or a “Alright I’ll pay for the movie” is all that is necessary. Realistically, I don’t think any guy is keeping an account book to ensure that you pay exactly half. Speaking for myself, I just want the tone of the relationship to be “equal” from the get go.
Yes, those things are sexist. Generally, if you’re doing something for a woman just because she’s a woman, then you’re behaving in a sexist manner.
That’s in Texas, so you have to count the female cows too.
I bolded the first thing that would go through my mind if the woman offered to pay on the first date. I’d be kicking myself for thinking it, but I’d be thinking it.
Mind if I ask how old you are? I’m 24, and since my first real date at 16 the woman has offered to pay half, and sometimes “offered” bordered on “insisted”.
Thanks for the validation. When I’ve discussed this with male friends, they also say this, which is why it is now one of the questions I ask myself. Some of us women don’t offer to pay not because we are special little angels but because we don’t want to insult the man. Having said that, I might offer to pay for something on the second or third date, and I have paid for pre- of after-dinner drinks on a first date.
Dating. It’s hard.
This, minus the “gold digger” part. My natural reaction wouldn’t so much be gold digger as it would be. . . loser. I’d think loser and jerk. Of course, I’m a chick.
But yeah, I usually don’t ask guys out for a first date and I do follow the whoever asks rule. So, I usually don’t pay for the first date (though I always make sure I have money to at the very least cover myself, just in case). If I do the asking, I always try to pay. Now, most times, men will absolutely refuse on those first few dates to let me pay, even if I did the asking out. What can you do? My mom always told me to refuse things like that three times, but no more-- then it gets rude to keep insisting.
As far as boyfriends? Yeah, split pretty evenly. I’ve had a few who lost their jobs and such, then I probably pay more. My boyfriends who have made significantly more than me probably pay slightly more. It just varies, but it’s pretty close to even.
It would make me really uncomfortable if a man paid for everything, though I can’t quite put my finger on why. I have friends with doctor boyfriends and such who pay for literally everything, including fancy trips. There’s just no way I could be so dependent on another person, even if they had the best and kindest of intentions. That’s not a value judgment at all (good for my friends, so long as they’re happy!), but just a personal thing.
In my experience it has.
My, my two brothers, my two cousins and three friends weddings were all split between the families or mostly paid for the couple themselves.
Me and my wife paid more for our wedding than both of our families pitched in combined and the same with one of my brothers. The other brothers wedding my family paid for the whole thing because her family could not afford to help out.
On the dating topic I’m of the opinion that on the first couple of dates the one who does the asking does the paying.
In my case I asked first and paid for the first date. A week later she called me and asked if I wanted to go out again and of course I did and she paid for the dinner and movie and I got the sodas and popcorn.
I am really glad this crap hasn’t come up with any of the people I’ve dated. Perhaps my social circle’s more relaxed or something? If it was ever unclear who was supposed to pay, I’d just ask.
FWIW, I’m female and 34, so the jibes about someone not being a grown-up - really, really juvenile jibes, btw - don’t exactly apply to me.
This could be the heart of the issue. I’m 48, and no woman who was actually interested in me ever offered to pay. If one did, it was a sure sign that she wasn’t interested.
Whenever I stop doing “sexist” things for my wife for an extended period, she gets resentful.
I see it as symbolic, too. And this is the message it sends to me: “What’s yours is yours, what’s mine is mine.” It instantly makes me think he’s focused on keeping score, like the guy in The Joy Luck Club who was so obsessed with making things so even-steven between he and his wife that something as mundane as a grocery list had to be split by his stuff and her stuff.
When a guy picks up the check, this is what this symbolizes to me: “I want to do a nice thing for you because I like you and want you to feel the same way.” If a guy can’t muster up the goodwill to make this kind of gesture because it goes against his principles of fairness, I have no problems turning him down in favor of someone who doesn’t sweat the small stuff. I make those kinds of gestures all the time with guys I like and much rather pay the whole bill than split it. Life is too short.
When I was dating I always offered to pay my half of things. IME 98% of the men who took me up on that offer ended up being stingy bastards that never got to the 4th date. They became the guys who got in a snit because the place you were going was farther from their house than yours so it cost them more gas money or who, when sharing a dessert, would split it down the middle with a knife to guard their precious half-slice of cake to keep you from getting an extra bite you might not have paid for out of your own pocket. They are the ones who invited you to the dollar theater to see a movie and asked for 1 ticket at the box office instead of getting two tickets and asking you to give them a dollar back just to prove that they are NOT paying for your shit. By date three you could tell that these were going to be the men who would one day go off on you for all the shampoo you use when you shower at their place after sex and refused to bring you flowers or candy just to show they were thinking of you because that neck massage you gave them 2 days ago didn’t have any monetary value so it doesn’t count.
The other 2% were the guys who were dirt poor and working minimum wage jobs while putting themselves through school. I paid for most everything when I had an obvious financial advantage over a man with nothing but genuine affection for them. I don’t regret a dime of the money I spent on going out with those guys. The other 98% of the “going dutch” guys were just dillholes. And the funny thing is if they had just covered dinner without a question and let me pay for the movie/mini-golf/whatever the second half of our date would have been I wouldn’t even have noticed that they’d encouraged me to pay my own way. It would have just seemed natural and normal. It is the calculating each individual event and being sure that they aren’t spending a dime on you that seems so off-putting.
No problem, man. I’m 39, and years of pop culture drilled “The man pays for the date!” into my head. Fortunately, I’ve been able to expand my perspective since then, but I still get the “NOT A REAL DATE!” vibe from the woman insisting on paying for the first date.
Are you doing them just because she’s a woman or because she’s your wife? That’s an important distinction!
The degree to which I insist on paying has nothing to do with how I feel about a guy. I’ll make the offer everytime.
However, if he takes me up on my offer to pay (or settles for dutch), I am less inclined to think he really is into me. In my experience, guys who like a woman want to go the extra mile to show their interest. So if I’m only feeling so-so about him at that point, he will probably go into the Friend Zone.
Age may have something to do with expectations. I’m in my 50s, and I know that nowadays it’s more common to go Dutch.
Ironic!
Different strokes for different folks I suppose. I certainly wouldn’t insist, or even ask, for the women to split it, but the woman not offering to do so is a negative in my book.
I’d be fine with fancy trips, because the way I see it, if I really wanted to do something, and I really wanted to do it with a particular person, I’d be happy to pay their way if they couldn’t afford it (and I could).
Now, paying my ***rent ***would make me dependent on them, and that’s not okay.